Oliver Outie and Isobel Innie

I've started writing a childrens book, called 'The adventures of Oliver Outie and Isobel Innie' I doubt I will finish it as it is the third book I've started this year, the first one I started was about a cake decorator who was also secreatly a robot along with 5% of the population who were robots two, they had to go to secret meeting where they learn to be humans, and the other one I started was where 5 scally teanagers from liverpool in a behaviour problems class, do an school exchange with 5 palestinian teenages, so first it has their letters to eachother and then it's got their diarys while their visiting eachother.


I might finish them at some point but I only started them to pass time while I'm working in the gallery, (the same reason I started this blog) and I get to the stage where I might have to do some reserch or some work out side of the gallery and I get board and give up.


so anyway back to my childrens book it doesn't work that well without pictures but heres the first bit:


"This is the world we live in, it is round like a ball, with some bits that stick out like mountains, and some bits that go in like canyons.


but imagain if you lived in a world where things only stick out, or imagain living n a world where things only go in. This is what it's like for Oliver Outie and Isobel Innie.

Oliver outie has a sticky out nose with no nosterals and a sticky out belly with a sticky out belly button.

Isobel Innie has 2 nostrals but no nose, and a skinny belly with a innie belly button.

Oliver Outie lives on the top of a great big mountain in outie world.
Isobel Innie lives in a deep dark cave in innie world.

Oliver Outie is trapped on the outside of outie world and Isobel Innie is traped on the inside of innie world. but what they don't know is that innie world is inside outie world, and if Oliver Outie took the time took dig a hole a few meters down in his mountain he would end up in Isobel Innie's Cave, but even if he thought of doing this it wouldn't be possible, because there's no such thing as holes in Outie world..."

I got this far and then my head got confused with all the things that would and wouldn't be possible. It has the potential to be a sex education book though.

Hello Mr English Salad

Do you like the new song I wrote, some people might think it is simular to 'bye bye miss american pie' but they would be wrong. in fact it is the exact opposite of that song.

Hello Mr English Salad,
Walked my chicken to the desert but the desret was flooded,
those bad young women were eating water and sausage,
shouting 'this won't be the night that I live'
'This won't be the night that I live!'

I started a bit more song writery in my head today, I like writing songs about things that are going on in my life, I think real life song writers do that too. although the difference between me and a real life song writers is my life is mainly filled with everyday stuff and seems to be less filled with romantic dramas than the average pop song writer's.

So today I was filling a gap in the market by writing a song about Tax. It is to the tune of that song from Juno with only two cords in.

I hate the tax office and they hate Me-ee
I've got two jobs and I'm doing a degree-ee
I't not really a good time to become self employed..
bu-ut.

I shouldn't carry on being a tax dodger
this year I'm renting, last year I was a lodger
I'm the most complitacated person to fill out those forms

I hate forms coz I've got dyslexia,
when I look at them I am perplexed, oh yeah,
That's not a bad ryhme for someone with a reading age of 12,
point 4.

du du du du du du du du du du du,
du du du du du du du du du du du,
du du du du du du du du du du du,
duuuuu.

I hope you know the tue I'm on about or else you might stuggle with the all th Du-ing.

how not to tell off teanagers

1) Don't accidently quote Micheal Jackson songs.

2) Don't Laugh.

3)If you have done the two above things don't go back to being serrious again, there's just no point.

These are the invauble lessons that arn't being taught to me in my 'children and young people in society MA'

We were singing 'Man in the Mirror' the one that starts :
I'm gonna make a change,
for once in my life,
It's gonna feel real good gonna make a difference
gonna make it ri---ght.

So I took her outside to tell her off for messing around and then for some reason I acidently used the phrase: so are you going to make a change?

and then I thought - 'those are the lyrics from the song how embarrasing' but instead of prending I didn't realise, which with hindsite would have been the sensible thing to do, I thought 'I'll just pretend I did it on purpose and carry on'

So I atually said: So are you gonna make a change...for once in your life? thankfully I did stop there and didn't continue with 'it's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference ect.

but I did burst out laughing and so did she, and then I tried to go back to being a serious teacher again by saying 'go back in' in my scaryist teacher voice.

book tokens are silly

Dear anyone who still buy me christmas presents, thanks for your support dispite my lack of thank you letters.

On a totally unrelated matter, book tokens are silly...When I was younger I thought that book tokens would cost less than money e.g a £10 book token would cost about £9, or else why would anyone swop a tenner which is like a voucher that can be used anywhere or saved for a voucher that has limitations? The one good thing about book tokens is exitement that comes when you've used your creativity to swop your token for something other than a book, I think may be world chapion in most amount of non-books bought with a book token. My proudest achivement was getting a subway sandwidge out of my dyslexic budget, by buying books worth £40 for people and them getting me lunch in return.

firber-glass penguins

This weekend I went to visit my penguin. My penguin is almost as big as me and made from fibre-glass. It is hollow which means you can get inside it and although it really smells you can scare people quite a lot by making slight movements.

I've been commisioned to paint this peguin which will form part of a city wide display of giant penguins, that's coming out at christmas. Weird I know, but it's atually a good money making sceam, they've done it before with superlambananas (which is a scupture made of half a lamb and half a banana.) businesses pay a lot to sponcer a pengin, a lot of people come to liverpool to visit the penguins which generates money for liverpool, and artists get paid well and then at the end they aution off the penguins and make a lot of money for charity, so everyone is happy. So the penguin thing is basically an idea someone had to drag out the superlambanana thing which made everyone rich, But the cover story is that the penguins highlighting the issue of climate change.

So I went to the penguin factory at the weekend which is at liverpool inovation park. I spent a good 15 minuits wondering around an empty car park before I found some primative forms of life in the security hut. That was a bit harsh, their ok but they kept call petal and pumkin and other ridiculus names that only a grandmother should say. I then eventually found the door to the penguin rooms and walked through 3 rooms filled with hundreds of white penguins staring at me in a creapy way before I eventually forund some real life people.

Exercise Bikes

Hello....I haven't written a lot recently I blame sky. I moved into my new house on 1st August and we still do not have internet that is how much sky suck. Although I also have a passionate hatred for Virgin Media, T.V licencing and the monkey that has been given the responsibilty of processing all the job seekers allowence claims in the world, and also who ever decided to give that responcibility to a monkey!

I keep thinking of odd things I could write about and then they float out of my head before I can make them into a fully formed blog when I'm a work or whatever, which is where I am now. I do enjoy the evening shift. Virtually no responcibily and a free supply of chocolate and tea and internet.

So anyway I think today I will talk/rant about exercise bikes, because I find the conceept of exercise bikes hilarious. There are so many gadgets that try to save us time and energy, but here is an invention that wastes both. people who are super rich and have all the time and energy saving devises in the world, than have an excess of energy which they need to use up so they join a gym.

I am a real life cyclist, that means when I am on my bike I am not in a cosy gym watching T.V, am in the real word, I can get rained on and verbally abused by scallies and hit by cars. But I have three good reasons for cycling:

1) Every month I save £48 (that is what I would spend on the bus)

2) It is just as quick to get to my work in the city center by bike, and it halfs the time I would take getting to my job in anfield which I would have to get 2 buses to.

3) Excercise (I'm not that bothered about this but it's an added bonus.)

So it's like killing 3 birds with 1 stone.

Whereas cycling mashine has many cons:

1) you have to pay to use it.

2) you're using up your own free time on it.

3) however hard you pedal you will never get anywhere.

so that is like three birds attacking one stone and pecking it to death.

hmmm ...I'm not sure I want my blog to end in the word death, it's a bit negitive and I'm atually in a good mood. I've just had some good news atually and only one person know so far, (not including the person that told me) it is not regular good news like getting a new job or having a baby. I've just found out I've been comissioned to paint a giant fiber glass penguin.

Sharing A Granchild

I've recently been to france and met all of Dan's french family, he is half french. So we stayed with his french granparents who he calls Mammie and Pappy I'm not sure what I am ment to call them, I think they will be one of those people that I will never use there name to there face, like teachers when you have left school for a bit. In fact they did all have nic names so that we could chat about them without them hearing there names and wanting a translation of everything we're saying, not that we were saying anything horrible, just things that weren't important. For example Pappie's nic name was the clock because clocks= grandfather clook = grandfather = Pappie. and he didn't know what the english word clook was so it was fine.


Anyway the point of this story is that Helen is a very good friend of mine, and I hope I will be friends with her forever but I've thought that about people before and then I've lost touch with them a bit when I've moved away or whatever so I think the only definate way that we will still have contact when we're properly old is if we were related in some way. The most logical way would be if we became sister's in law, but we are both in all girl families so the only way to become sisters in law would be to marry brothers, and I'm already quite fond of Dan and his only brother is 17 and helen is 25 and that would be wrong!

So we're on to plan B sharing a granchild. There are pros and cons with this, cons we won't be related for another a least 20 years but problably more like 35 and if we both have all girls or all boys it won't work, but pros we can marry who we like, and I think there's a fair chance of our children liking eachother because, Me and Helen like each other and she also fancies ginger so basically If I was a man she probably would fancy me. so If I pass on the ginger gene and she passes on the fancing ginger's gene (if that is a gene) were on to a winners and were can have christmases together when were 80. Sorted!

we worked this out ages and ages ago but now Dan lives with Helen, (that's a bit were attually imagain if your grandad from one side was once housemates with your granny from the other side.) so yeah we were talking about our holiday in france and how Dan's Mammie taught him to make gallets which is like a savory pancake, and I said to Helen 'Dan is going to pass this knowledge on to his granchildren....who will also be your granchildren!' and then Helen got freaked out when she remebered the plan, esspecially when I wouldn't leave it and asked here to bick what granny name she wanted like gran or Nan or grandmar or whatever. she said we could decided on that another day, but I hope she lets be have Nana so I can be Nana Hannah. Watch this space (well not litrally this space wach her's or my offsprings womb.)

being blond

I'm being a bit blond at the moment, I don't mean the sun has bleached my hair. I mean metaphorically blond. I went to work on monday at 10am and after two hours my boss said, 'your not on the rota' so I got sent home. This really wasn't a good day for me to get sent home either because I've just moved house and the people who lived in the house before were very smelly and dirty boys, and monday was the day the cleaners were in all day shampooing the carpets.

But don't be sad, there is a happy ending! As I was walking out I was telling the guys who work on the kids art activieties (which I also do sometimes) how silly I am and they said, can you stay and help us we're one person short. so it all worked out great and you get paid over twice as much to painting with kids as you do to talk to difficult people on the phone and try and operate the evil booking system know as patron base.

So the moral is being blonde pays off.

I made an elephant

I made an elephant, it was fun.

That part of the blog was written in the style of my summer holiday 1993 diary which I was forced to write every single day, which I resented and still do!! when I gave it in at school mine was by far the best in the class and I got 2 merits but I remeber thinking 'that was not worth it all that hard work a whole summer ruined by school work, just for two merits! rubish!!

I am moving house in 10 minutes. bye.

Harry Potter

I went to see Harry Potter with Hazel on saturday.

(Dissclamer: I am not a crazy Harry Potter fan, I've never gone to a bookshop at midnight, I've never gone to a Harry Potter themed party although I do have a relitive that does those things.)

I thought is was an alright film, less action than another one I've seen, but that's a good thing, I find wizard fights a bit dull you always know Harry will win in the end. He does need to get some new glasses though....it's funny that for a school boy who's been in a lot of nasty situations he should have definatly broken some more pairs of glasses by now, but even if he'd never broken a pair, surely he doesn't think those glasses are apropriate for a boy his age, they're just silly. he should have gone to specksavers!

I quite enjoyed the love potion bits although it occored to me durring the film that the love potion was like the wizardaery equivelent of the date rape drug. This realisation took the film onto a whole new level, it went from being a childrens story to a serious documentary...but only in my head.

I would give Harry Potter 1 Star, you might think that is harsh and a bit contradictory to everything I have written, but I haven't told you the scale yet:

1 satelight = avoid this film like swine flu, if you know anyone who's seen it wash you're hands before any phisical contact.

1 moon= only go if you've got six weeks of holiday and it rains every day.

1 Star= an ok film, if a hottie asks you to go and see it with you say yes (hazel you are a hottie)

1 galexy = super dopper fun/exciting/funny/thought provoking (circle aprpriate one)

Hmmm.... I don't know if I've ever writen a film review before, maybe at school when you're forced to do things you don't want to do. maybe I should see if I could get a job as a film reviewer, except I'm not really a big fan of films, I prefer real life. Attually I was talking about this today, I've never cryed in a film, but I'm not someone who can't ever cry I just think it's a bit rude to cry in a film when there is a lot worse real life stuff going on in the world.

Rulers + Charcoal = Wrong

I've always hated rulers, I think they are morally wrong as they impose their artifitually strate lines and stiffle creativity, they are kind of like the nazi's of the stationairy world. Some people find my views a little extreamist but they are mainly scientists so I'm not that bothered.

I was teaching my art class yesterday, and we were using charcoal, charcoal is like the norweigen of the statonairy world, I think every one likes charcoal and I think everyone likes norweigens, they always win the eurovision anyway. So everyone was drawing with the charcoal and one girl got a bit gruby and I wouldn't let her go out to wash, so I tryed to encorage her by telling her she looked like an artist but she then took it too far and crushed her charcoal and spread it all over her and then shouted 'I'm an artist' and whilst I was distracted by this I failed to notice a boy using charcoal and a ruler.......wrong wrong wrong! you just can't mix the two, it made me laugh a lot, and then the boy looked a bit emmbarrassed so I tried to turn it into a positive by saying to the class 'Jack (not his real name) is really pushing the bondaries here, I've never seen an artist using charcoal with a ruler before' unfortunatly it came out a bit sarcastic sounding.

Later on I was trying to convey the levels of wrongness with a phyisist. Physisists are sometimes the hardist people to explain my concepts to, I couldn't think of a physics equivelent, but I told him a chemistry one: it's like the same as trying to do a titration (this experiment where you mix two clear things to make a pink thing but you have to be really precise) whilst wearing boxing gloves. He disagreed.

Twins

I went to seem some preformance art this weekend call 'Twins-How do I know I am me?' I purswaded Dan to come by saying 'we always go to the cinama but we never go to see freaky twin live art' It was run by the bluecoat so I've been slightly involved in making it by helping audition the twins. The artist Angie is a funny but lovely german lady who has done a simalar thing in cologne which is twinned with liverpool, and so she came to do it here because she is fasinated with twins. She is atually sat infront of me now coz I am on T & I at the bluecoat which is basically the reception except we if we call it that we will get in trouble. Anyway Angie is about 70 and she is wearing a short green skirt with black spots over beige combat trousers, she had a turqois denim jacket, long grey hair in a high bun and two clashing ball balls for earings. although the first time I ment her she had one ball ball earing and one mini pack of cards earing. you've got to love crazy old lady german artists, I'm planning on being one one day, (without the german.)

So we went to this preformance in a giant wearhouse where at first you are sectioned off by a wall of falling water and a wall of police lines with megaphones attached to the end. you can see a few sets of twins some are knitting on two half sofas attached high up on the wall, some are somking and sitting on a piano, some are facing eachother ect, then after the twins facing eachother have run around a bit, the smoking twins come and pull back the police line curtain so everyone can come into the main space and discover another set of twins in a white cube playing pairs. Then for the next two hours you wonder around watching whichever twins are doing the most interesting thing. it was a bit like being at the zoo. some twins started flying on harnesses at one point and then other twins ran to a room and a few people followed then and they go naked and stood facing a wall and a picture of naked jews from the holocourst was projected on their naked bums.

After leaving the preformanc piece I had a big craving for a mac donalds apple pie, I felt it was quite ironic being in a mac donalds surrounded by 1000 scallies at 11 at night after attending such a cultural event, it was like I suddenly gone down a class. We did manage to avoid the druken teanagers and girls on a hen night by going through the drive through and then eating the apple pie at his though.

Alife ba ta

My head is a weird place, sometimes I appreciate it's abstract nature but I sometimes think it's unfair that I am the only person in the whole wide world who can't escape from it. Last night I drempt my bike was stolen and I had to got to work on a space hopper. In real life my concious head would say 'why don't you walk? it's probably quicker and your less likley to get youths throwing sticks at you.' but in dreams there is no voice of reality which is quite fun.

so anyway today somethng ever weirder came into my head, and this was into my concious awake head! it was the lyrics to Michael Jackson's ABC but in arabic. which is something like this:

Alife Ba Ta, (ABC)
it's easy as, Whahed Itneen Talade (123)
As simple as.. (I don't know what doe ray me is)
Alife Ba Ta, Whahed Itneen Talade,
Habbeepti ana wa inti (baby you and me)

That's if you were speeking to a woman, if you were speeking to a man the last bit would be:

Habbeebi ana wa inter

or if you were speeking to an attual baby, but still just using an affectionate word not litrally say an infant you get to use my favorite arabic word 'Habboobbie'

cracks me up every time.

Sailing

I went sailing in southampton this weekend, with Dan, my sister Jo, Dad, and my friend Ruth, it was a very tame sail compaired with some I've been on. We didn't do any 14 hour channel crossings, we didn't have to bail out because of a hole in the boat, it wasn't force 8 and no one was sick in a sause pan. It was nice! I think ellen mcather is cool, she is my 3rd favorite celebrity but I think she's a bit of a nutter. Like imagin sailing round the whole world but you can't get out and visit anywhere because it's a race. and imagin have a masive boat but virtually all the space is taken up with tecnical equipment and you can only sleep for 15 minuets at a time, and imagin not being able to see anything but sea for 60 days or whatever.

The most difficult part of our trip was when eveyone but my dad were in the little inflateble dingy that you row to get ashore and we were rowing back to our boat Lucy, but there was a really strong current and wind against us and after 5 minuets of very hard rowing we had litrally only gone aroung 5 meters. it wasn't far to go but at this speed it would have taken us at least half an hour. there were two boats inbetween us and Lucy, so I said quite loudly 'maybe we could pull along that boat' and a nice lady said yes you can and ended up throwing us a rope and then pulling us along the lenght of her boat. So then I said 'maybe we could do the same on that boat' and a man from the next boat came out with a rope so eventually we got back to Lucy. The funnist bit was when the lady made some comment about us getting pack to our parents and Ruth randomly shouted out 'Jerry' so as to disasosiate herself from our family.

I had a new invention this weekend, on of my more realistic and better ones not like the disposable baby. It's a waterproof video projector so that you can watch a film when it's dark and your sailing by projecting it onto the sail. Jaws or Titanic would be good films I think. I'm quite proud of that idea it's right up there with the hot tub maze that you swim round.

Being Escorted

I got called into my bosses office at work yesterday (the work with naughty kids not the gallery) and he sat me down and said 'just to warn you, one of the students has been overheard making plans to attack you on her last day, so make sure your not on your own and I'll escort you out at the end of the day.' I was quite chuffed to be escorted round like a victim of crime, for the day, I'm sure the novelty would wear if it went on any longer. Luckly her last day is friday and I don't work fridays but I don't she she knows that so her plan was flawed from the start.

Other than that it was a fun day I watched them reherse their end of term play, and had a funny backstage conversation with one boy who said he made a deal with the teacher that he didn't have to do the dance because he's not gay, but the dance made him question his sexuality.

I played den making with the kids I live with when I got home and then as they were going to bed I went out to the park, I always go out just as their going to bed which I think is what led to Isacc's (age 6) question the other day: 'Hannah are you nocturnal- like a bat?'

disposible babies

I'll get on to them in a sec but I will first follow that train of thought backwards to my first invention idea disposable bikes. I have had 5 bikes since I've been in liverpool which is just under 4 years and my current bake is diying. This is how they all died.

bike 1: old age.

I had it since I was about 10 and before that my friend becky had it and she bough it second hand so it really was old and I used it a lot, it was like my only source of comfort while I was failing all my driving tests.

Bike 2: Crushed to death.

by a crowd of angry everton suporters, and I got told off by police for leaving it locked up so close to goodison park.

Bike 3: expolded.

It really died as an inderect repruction of having it's tyres let down by my lovely class, I didn't have a pump so I had to use the air at a petrol station but that pumped it up too much which made the tyre explode half an hour later, and when I was fixing that I broke the breaks and I just got so fed up with it that I abandoned it in town. It was a kids bike that my little sister's friend won in a compotition and then grew out of anyway.

Bike 4: Vandalised.

Bike 4 wasn't mine I just borrowed it whilst bike 3 was broken which was a few months but unfortunatly one of my class decided to throw it down the stairs, so I had to pay to have it repaired and then give it back before anything else happened.

Bike 5 is the only adult bake I've ever owned and is the only bike I've ever bought new. It is just about still going but it never stays inside so it is slowly rusting to death. : (

So this is what ispired my new invention dissposible bikes, made of paper use once and then screw up into a ball and bin it, or I guess you could recycle it if your one of them. I'm not sure how it would work, I'm an artist not a micanic but you'd always keep about 10 in your poket ready to unfold at anypoint.

This led me to think of other dissposible products it's quite easy, just think of a word and then say disposible before it. dissposible houses, dissposible roads ect. and I though about dissposble nappies because they are a real thing, but the problem with them is it's not the nappies fault, you can put a nappy on a doll and you'll never have to change it, the problem lies with the baby so that's when I had the genious idea of disposable babies.

I will leave you with a quote from madonna or kylie or one of them kinds of people:

'Coz we are living in a disposible world,
and I am a disposible girl.'

So she must have started out as a dispossible baby.

Dan's new car

Dan has recently taken over the identity of a 29 year old scotish woman who has moved to New Zeland he is living in her house and driving her car. (It's all legal and non-weird though he attually bought her car and is paying her rent and I don't think he wears her clothes or talks in her accent or anything)

It's a black baddy car with no ceiling if your a girl, and if your a man it Mazda MX5. I think cars are funny things, if it was a house you'd look round it and think: no storage space, poorly insulated roof that sometimes comes off only room for two people, and it's black, you wouldn't buy a house like that would you?! but suddenly when it's a car for some reason it's cool.

I did have a lot of fun in it last night though, we drove to southport topless (you know what I mean) and I sugested we sing the classic sunday school favorite 'Hallelu Hallelu Halleu Hallelluja Praise ye the Lord' where one person is the hallelujas and the other is the praise yeas and you have to stand up when your singing your bit, obviously we didn't stand up but we put our hands up which was fine for me, but I think Dan maybe should of kept a hand on the stearing wheal. I'd like to make a album of topless car songs including that one and YMCA, any sugesstions let me know.

Dreams

I watched the film 'the science of sleep' with Rach last night, it is a weird film that keeps mixing between dreams and real life so you don't know what's what. e.g if dreams were green and real life was red the film would be brown not green and red.

We had a big chat about dreams afterwards, I'm quite proud of some of my dreams these are my best dream achivements:

I once drept in a scouce accent.

I once drempt in arabic.

I once drempt in arabic but an arab was teaching me more arabic that I didn't know (which unfornately was wrong arabic because I remebered it and looked it up in my arabic dictionairy when I woke up.)

I once had a black and white dream.

I once had a dream that I hugged my 5 year old self.

I once had a dream that was narrated by a patronizing woman all the way through.

I once had an underwater dream where everyone I knew had just their heads attached to fishes tales.

I once had a dream where I realised I was dreaming and what ever I did didn't matter so I went naked to school, (I wasn't totally concious though or I would have chosen to do something more fun like fly)

There are probably more that I can't remember. When I was about 5 I thought that when you dream about someone they are also having the same dream at the same time but from their perspective like in real life, if your talking to someone they're listening to you. When I asked someone who I drempt about if they enjoyed the dream they looked at me as if I was a nutter and thats how I found out it . I would like to make a booked called 'I spy dreams' which would be a rip off of these crap books I was given as a child which were called 'I spy birds' or 'I spy on the motorway' you basically look for thinks like a pigion or a certain kind of roundabout and tick them off in the book and when you've done a whole book full you can send off for a badge. I always though it was silly as the book cost so much more than a badge and they have no proof you've seen all the things so I always cheated. Anyway an 'I spy dreams' book would be cool I could have ticked off all my current dream acheviments and I would aim for more like this:

A dream from someones perspective other than my own.

A dream from the point of view of an inanamate object.

An entirely auditory dream (a blind person I know only has sound dreams)

A dream that is an exact replica of an ivent that has already happened.

A dream where I get to talk to God.

A dream within a dream.

A dream where I learn more arabic but it is attually all right arabic.

The same dream at the same time as someone else.

I love everything today

I'm really happy and bouncy today I was like this yesterday too, I think it's the sun. like when I was at red traffic lights on my bike this morning I thought 'oh great I'd love a little rest in the sun right now'. I think I've got the opposite of seasonal affective dissorder, where the sun makes me crazy. It's good I like it. I'm wearing my new leggins it's an odd feeling that I haven't had for about 10 years, (the feeling of leggins that is not the feeling of happiness) I think I attually may have saved myself a few thousand pounds with them, because one of the main issues I would like to resolve in my life is I would like to wear skirts and dresses more but I can't because of cycling. My previous idea was to have driving lessons pass my test and get a car and all those borring other things you have to get when your getting a car like insurance, M.O.Ts and furry dice. but now because of my leggins that cost £8 I've saved all that money, which I should probably now spend on dresses. When I was 11 I once made a personal rule that I would never wear a skirt by choice. I don't know what happened...attually I do I think it was puberty.

7 new rules

I've just purchased a pair of black leggins with pink buttons attached...but don't judge me first I would like to explain my groud rules

1) first thing I will do is rip the pink buttons off

2) I will only wear them under a dress or skirt E.g I will wear them as more apropriate tights not less apropriate trousers.

3) I am never ever going to wear them with just a top even it it's a long top.

4) I am not becoming a scally or joining any other new sub-culture

5) the purpose of the leggings is to allow dress wearing whilst bike ridding.

6) anyone reading this has the resonsibilty to hold me accontable to these rules.

7) the rules will be reviewed months from now on 29th noverber 2009.

I had a funny dream about clothes last night, I drempt my house got burned down and I couldn't got to work because the only clothes that didn't get burned didn't go with eachother.

Hannaversairy

It was our 2 year Dan 'n' Hannaversairy yesterday, That meens it was two years since me and Dan started going out and two years since A.C millan beat liverpool see the post called 'the story of Han and Dan' for more details.

To celebrate we went to the fair in the mystery park (I'm not sure why it's called the mystery maybe that is the mystery) I purswaded Dan to go on a ride called 'the frisbee' it was like a pirate ship that also span round. I loved it, Dan did not. When we went sailing he was sick 10 times in one day and it wasn't even stormy or anything. So I thought he would be sick and I was wondering whether it would be ruder to be sick on me or on some strangers but luckly it didn't happen.

The fair inspired us to attempt to make toffee apples, which are made from sugar, water, butter and vinagar... oh yeah and our secret ingedience apples. I remember the time I discovered that toffee apple had apples in them. Gutted, I thought they were solid toffee. We served then on chopsticks and all our friends came round to eat them. mmmm.

I like being half of the superhero duo Han and Dan. It's great, thank for the roses Dan, they're lovely. xx

Breasts

A young girl recently asked me to sponcer her to do a fun run, she said it was for 'breast awareness day' I'm sure she probably ment breat cancer awarness day, but I responded by saying that I will sponcer her however I'm pretty sure most people are aware of breasts.

Then is my head I went off on one a bit about if breast awareness day was a real thing what would it be like. I imagained some of the statistics and slogans they would use on their posters:

'Did you know that half of all british adults are currently living with breasts?'

'breasts- on average everyone has one'

'breast are more than just balls of fat babies suck on, did you know they produce a nutrious drink whislt at the same time being asthetically pleasing?'

That last one needs a bit more work I think.

p.s If your intrested (which you probably aren't) Picton clock's four faces are now all reading different times but the hands arn't moving.

Neigbourhood Watch

I've been doing G.C.S.E exam invidulation this week. When the most exciting moment of you day is a kid putting there hand up and saying they're pen is broken, you have to wonder what you're doing with your life. So I wanted to do something a bit creative to combat my boardem, I really wanted to play leap frog over the long lines of little tables which were set out in the sports hall, and even though I wasn't specifically told that I couldn't, I think it was implied.

So I started writting a musical, inspired by a neigbourhood watch news letter I once read when I lived in Burton Green, it said that everyone should be extra viglent because someone has had thir wellies stolen from there shed. It amused me.

This is the opening number to my musical: 'Neighbourhood Watch the Musical'

(dedicated to the Burton Green Neibourhood watch group)

Old Ladies:

If you don't care about real crime or genral disturbia,

If you want to do something without leaving middle class suburbia,

If you've nothing to do, once you've watered and weeded,

Then join neighbourhood watch and stick your nose where it's not needed.

Criminals:

Watch out lads, its the neighbourhood watch crew,

oh no, I'm scared, what am I going to do.

If I'm getting into mischeif I will have to flee,

in case the nosy neighbours are spying on me.

Old Ladies:

If you want to have a good gossip and a cake,

come and join our club, what great friends you will make,

creaping, snoping sneeking is how we spend our time,

don't worry, in our village there is no real crime.

Resident:

I was shocked and apauled when I recently read,

someone in my postcode had wellies stolen from his shed,

the scary thing is I wouldn't have known better,

had I not recived the neighbourhood watch newsletter.

I have vowed to be cautious forevermore,

and will always leave my wellies inside my locked door.

Picton Clock

What's going on with picton clock? I enjoy picton clock it's really the only way you can tell if your going to be late for work whilst your cycling there. I did try looking at my watch once but I think it ended in disaster, well not totally disaster, really it ended in mild pain and embarrasment.

A few months ago the clock disapeared, the whole face was taken off and the hole in the tower was covered with black wood. that made me sad. I'm not sure why it happened, I guessed the council were cutting back on spending and didn't want to waste money lighting it at nights. Every time a saw it it made me think What time is it?-- death O'clock, or half past death or 10 to death or whatever. maybe I'm just a little bit morbed, but I took it personally like the council were saying directly to me 'there is no use for time any more, not one has jobs or money or routine we are just living in a land of constent death' I don't think normal people take things like that so personnally but I'm an artist so colours meen a lot to me, if they had painted it white it would be totally different.

Anyway this morning a new clock face had been put back on but there were no hands, and this afternoon at around 4pm when I cycled past the hands were on but the time was 12. oooh mysterious, what message are the council sumblimanally trying to put into our minds today? It's like an exciting soap opera if that wasn't an oxmorone. (I've just had a thought, why isn't a soap opera a opera about soap?!)

I will end today's blog with two quote from today the first from a kid from my art class, and the second from the singing teacher:

1) I would Lyricaly castrait him if he did that (she ment literally)

2) I can just see you, out of my profiter roll vision.

Boats

I went home this weekend to see my family and collect my belated easter eggs, it was a good year, the best for a long time I got a cream egg one a green and blacks butterscotch and a white choclate thorntans one with my name on it, it's times like this that a wonder if this ressecion talk is all a lie, the govelment should take what kind of easter eggs people are getting into account more when they are deciding if we are in an economic downturn or not.

The most fun part of my weekend was rowing in Lemington there were lots of people who went but are boat was the funnist by far because it had 3 fun people in it. I think I won't say their names to protect their need for anonoamousness but I will just give intresting facts about them:

Person A Once nearly exploded himself in a very dangerous bomb making experiment.

Person B Once won an award for most inapropriate behaviour whilst being on an alter.

Person C is not a relitive but has had baths with me and once had a bath with my mum! we also once went throught the macdonnalds drive through in a supermarket trolly together.

So it was a very interesting combination, esspecially as person A and person B continually played the guitar, in the car in tesco and on the boat, and person C climbed up a tree.

Happy Birthday Dan

This is the birthday card I made for Dan showing his perfect day, I'm not sure how readable the writng is but the people on it are him, me Jakie chan who is doing an underwater kick and saying 'take that, lobster!' Claude debussy is saying 'bon anniversair' (because he's french) Tom Waits is saying 'great music Dan' and lydia is climbing the mountains in the background.

The day started with me blowing up ballons and drawing letters on them with marker pen that spelled out Happy 23rd Birthday Daniel. I didn't quite get the reaction I was hoping for when I hid and he opened the door to find the ballons blowing around in the wind. he just looked confused and still asleep. He woke up after I made him a nice cooked breakfast. Our plan was to go shoping and he could choose some clothes as a present from me, but I forgot that how men shop is so logical we went to the first shop he saw some jeans he liked he tryed them on and I bought them, and then we went shoping for his favorite cearel (marks and spencers tripple chocolate crunch.) So that was his birthday shoping trip over in half an hour and then we went to have tea at leaf the weird tea shop that Joy works in I had turkish apple and he had silver pine needles. mine was far nicer.

We discused these important questions:

1) If you had a band and you had to name it after a city what would you call it? (this question was inspired by Dan's C.d by a band called 'beiruit')

Dan's answer: Geneva

Han's answer: Ramalla

2) If you had to name a child after something on the tea menu what would you call it?

Han's answer: Jasmine Pearl

Dan's answer: oolong or Rubois I can't remember.

A Funny and unrelated thing that happened today is that I got another letter from the Devils of Wrath and Pain (DWP) I wrote to them in January saying basically they're idiots and if they've overpaid it's your fault and tough luck you're not getting it back and then I listed a lot of reasons why. Since then they have sent me 4 letters saying we're thinking about it and today they sent me a 9 page long letter saying someone else in glasgow is thinking about it now. It seems I have managed to use their burocracy against them. Mwah ha ha ha. I'd love to see them and T.V lisancing in a fight.

Buttons and Ribbons

Does anyone else ever think 'I've got a day off today and to treat myself for earning a bit more than usual this week I will go to a cool fabric wearhouse and spend £4 on buttons?' I think it was after an hour of reajusting the buttons and tissue paper in the scanner that I thought 'this is not normal' I've got a lot of other plans for my buttons though I've already made a hairband and two necklaces and I'm planning on redecorating my bag with then soon, hours of entertainment for only £4! bargain.

The good thing about the nacklaces as well is that I manged to eoncorperate my norwedgen krones, coins with holes in, that I collected up whilst in norway, I love it when I find a use for something that I've been hording for a while some of my top recyling has been a mobile made from the metal ring of a lamp shade (a baby mobile obviously not a mobile phone, I'd be a genius if I could make a phone from a lamp shade) I also made a wax burner (for melting wax to use in batic) from a metal sweetie tin. However I still haven't found a use for hundreds of tiny paper pots for ketchup that I gradually stole from macdonals over a few years. Any suggestions?

I think this new button obsesion must mean I'm offically at the end of my ribbon obsesion of 2008. That all started because I was in charge of decorating the concert venue for a Revelation rock-gospel choir concert, and I decided to buy 80 meters of ribbon to make a ribbon web that hung from the celing. If you are ever in the situation of carrying 80 meters of ribbon in a plastic bag on the handle bars of your bike and the tyre rips a hole in the bag here's a tip:

Although some motorists maybe quite cultured in everyday life they, do not always apreciate an astheticly beauty explosion of colour in the road, esspecially if the ribbons tangle up in the bike gears and esspecially at a junction. Sad but true.

So anyway after I'd used the ribbons once I ironed then out and used them again, and again...and again. Infact they were a major conponant the 3rd year of my fine art degree. I've also used them in card making and I even made some tedy clothes with them as a 4th birthday present for Maisie. I did love my ribbons but I think 2009 will be all about the buttons.

p.s I hope this blog doesn't turn into the kind of blog where grannys swop craft tips. That would make me very sad, I will keep an eye on the ageing situation, I have to confess I've enjoyed radio 2 this year and Dan even had radio 4 on in the car yesterday. 23 is definatly too young for the menopause!

Three things

Three things have made me laugh a bit since I last bloged, (well the second one made me think arahh I am going to be responsible for someones death and I will loose my job, but afterwards when no one died it was a bit funny)

I like that there's three thing, all goood sermons have three point and a lot of good things come in threes. Although I don't everyone agrees with that, like Anne Bolynne for example she probabley wasn't thrilled to have three nipples. But as I am one of three, I like things that come in threes like all those tri words: triangle, triclyle, the trinity, trifull...

anyway the three things that made me laugh:

1) funnyness with Dan,
we were both in a silly mood on thursday night and the conversation got quite surreal...I asked him how his day was, and then wasn't very good at listening to the answer so he said 'why don't you just tell me how you think my day should have gone?' so I did, it involved him unicyling 17 miles to work and his boss telling him he can have more money and more holidays and then him cooking a roast and inviting round me, and his heros Tom Waits, Clade debussy and Jakie Chan (Jakie Chan is a man by the way not a scouce woman who has 5 granchildren and is in her 40s like I always imagain when I think of the name Jakie)

Then he told me about how my day should have gone, he said I should have had a good lie in, then got up and painted myself with paint that made me invisable on all my body except my head and feet, and then cycled round the park freeking people out and then found a big art studio and talked to the person in charge who wants to give me a huge space for free, and then I went for the roast dinner at his with his heros and I would bring Brother Andrew, Jamie Oliver and Ellen Macarther.

After a lot more sillyness we made up this joke:
What did the embro say to the test tube baby?
Get a womb!

ok it's not that funny but making up jokes is hard alright.

2) Being a very bad behavioural support worker.
I was cycling to work yesterday and overtook someone who then said 'OI HANNAH!' and I realised it was one of my students, I was about 3/4 of the way there so ther was about a mile to go to get to work, and without really thinking at all I said 'race yer' not a sensible thing to say to a 14 year old boy who isn't wearing a helmet and is smoking whist ridding, I then went through a main dule carrageway junction when the lights were green/orange and he went trough on red. That's when I had images of me apologising to his parents at his funeral. We continued cycling I was ahead but I was more worrying about him than trying to win and then in the last hundred meters he overtook me, once I realised he wasn't going to die I got back to the important task of winning by saying first to touch the door as I was touching it.

3) A funny film.
I saw a funny film at the cinama last night it was called 'in the loop' and it was a political comedy about some not very good MPs my favorite line was when one of the MPs said 'it's not easy peasy lemon squeezy, its difficult....difficult lemon difficult, I'm not sure why that made me laugh that much it just did. Will's favorite line was 'you're like a Nazi Julie Andrews'

Goin' on a sick one

I think 'going on a sick one' is an atual complement I think it means 'Hannah the art teacher is compitant at circus skills and I very much enjoyed my lesson on drawing movement.' That's what I will take it to mean anyway.

Poker

I played serious poker last night, I've never played 'serious poker' before I've only ever played 'girl poker' which is when your main aim is to distract everyone playing poker and ruin the poker game so you can do somthing more fun. It's a more creative game, you get girl poker points for dealing in a comedy fashion, doing silly knocks on the table when you checking, and going all in randomly when your fed up and want the game to end, the winner of 'girl poker' is the person who can ruin the game so much that the serious poker players get board and everyone decideds to do something more interesting.

But last night I played 'serious man poker' at Luke's, this was sort of like my punishment for tricking Dan into waching sliding doors with me the previous night (I mean the film sliding doors, I didn't just make him watch automatic doors somewhere) I had a little bit of pre-poker fun by buying a packet of toblrone cookies in Asda whilst wearing a sombrero, that was a dare from Will, It's not the first time I've been to a supermaket in fancy dress, but I didn't get esscorted out by security this time which was a bonous.

I attually played sensibliy mainly because there were no other girls for me to play girl poker with, infact at one point last night it was just me and 9 men. (Please never quote that out of context.) I came a very respectable 3rd. but my proudest moment was when I'd folded and I was just practising my face reading skills by staring Luke out and said I think he has a queen and a 10 and I was right!

Smoking in the womb harms your mother

This blog is dedicated to Rachel Goodsall on account of her quiting smoking. she choose to go cold turkey over 4 months ago and to my knowledge has not smoked since. Cold turkey is a method of quiting where by everytime you are tempted to smoke you choose to nibble a cold turkey sandwidge instead, although she is now smoke free she has now developed an addiction to tukeys and has been spotted in various mersyside farms with an axe trying to get a turkey fix. If you are reading this and you are a turkey BEWARE! you may think that April is a safe month for you, you're wrong.

I would like to publish the slogans from a poster campain written by me and Dan that helped Rachel to quit, in the hope that other will be inspired. I personally think the govelment should buy our campain off us and print it on ciggarette boxes.

(Disclamer: there is a large selection of slogans in varing degrees of truth most of which aren't very P.C, if you think you might be offened then....you're just being too easily offended.)

- If you take a puff....you are a puff

- Hitler endorsed Smoking .....You killed the Jews

- Fags contain the bones of tourshed children and Brocolli

- The average smoker spends 3 grand a year on breath freashening mints

-76% of smokers give birth to 3 legged babies

-100% of smokers DIE!

-For every Fag you smoke the gap in the ozone layer grows by 300 square miles

-If you stop smoking you will be abble to play the harp

-smoke on earth...smoke in Hell

-99.4% of murders smoke

-94.2% of smokers murder

-smoke particles are made from microscopic sized Hitlers

-86% of the population would rather marry Osama Bin Laden than a smoker

-When you smoke every living thing within a 3 mile radius dies!

-68% of smokers die before they are born

-Smoking in the womb harms your mother.

Am I from the Ghetto?

The best news I've heard this week is that 1000 canabis plants were discovered in a raid on Burton Green, my home village. I've always wanted to come from a ghetto I this week I was one step closer to acheving my dream.

I never really gave much thought to my social class until I was about 18 and I changed social groups. Before that I was normal, I went to a regular comprehensive school where I belived that anyone who lived in a better area than me was a bit posh and had an unessisary amount of money and anyone who lived in a worse area than me was a bit of a tramp, but I was very normal and average.

When I was 18 I left school I went to do an art foundation course at coventry university and at the same time I moved from my family church to a church on the edge of the city center by a bit of a dodgy esstate. Suddenly I wasn't avarage anymore I was comparitavly posh and I didn't like it. There was another girl on my course that was from a village and the drugie chavs took the mic out of her a lot, she did make it worse for herself by talking about her ponies though. From that point on I always tryed to appear a bit more ghetto than I attually am. Like when I came to liverpool and people asked me where I was from I always said covenrty even though my official address is warwickshire. So that's why I'm so glad that there's been a drugs raid in my village it's another thing to add onto the 'for' catogorie on the 'Am I from the ghetto? list' which looks like this:

Against:

-For 13 years I lived in a village made up of four roads, I regualy saw tractors and horses on my street and one family from my street even had a horse and cart.

-My parents own a croquay set

-My Dad went to boarding school and cambridge university

-My sister is studying to be a doctor

-I went to a primary school that was so small, two years were taught together.

-My mum has an M.A

- I've got a degree

-My next door neighbor had a small swimming pool

- I once rode in a helicopter

- My Dad knew someone who serriously used the phrase 'whato' without any sarcasm

-My grandparents regulary used a butter knife, not just when guests came, all the time!




For

- Until I was six I lived in coventry (not warwickshire)

- I was in a rap band when I was 10

-I had my name and address taken down by the police when I was 10

- My secondary school was on the news for being the first school to use sniffer dogs to sort out drug problems.

-When I was 19 I comitted a crime that if I got caught I would have got 6 months in prison.

-I once smoked apple tobacco from a bong

-I once went to a refugee camp (it was the third most hostile enviroment I've ever been in after the school bus and the massive prixmark just before christmas)

-I've live in a house that had bullet holes in the window frame (in palestine)

-I was offered crack in the red light district of ampsterdam

- I've been on the dole.

- I know a lot of young offenders.

-My house was once broken and my flat mate was threatened with a knife in his bed.

-1000 canabis plants were discovered in a raid on my village!

The story of Han and Dan

I think after writing an ode to Helen, I need to mention my boyfriend Dan, I'm not going to write an essay about everyone I've ever know ever, but I'd like to write about him firsly because he is lovely and secondly because it's a funny story. So here is the 5 most significant Han and Dan getting together days in cronological order:



1) The Piramind Day (oct 2006)

Me and Dan first met at Will's 21st beach birthday party, we were briefly in a 4 layer human piramid together I was layer 1 (the top) and he was layer 4. We didn't really speek to each other much because we were strangers. The funny thing about that day was afterwards in Mac donald's when Will (who shall hence forth be known as the Will the Medeler) asked me if I had to marry someone out of Dan, Kurzon, Luke and Eoin who would it be? I said Eoin, I'm not really sure why, but anyway if he asked me again I would change my mind.



2) The Pie Day (Feb 2007)

By Febuary I was in the stage of 'I quite like Dan but I'm not going to do anything about it, I'll just see what happens' we still didn't know eachother hardly at all but I remember one comment after church. I said I'd been selling pies at everton football club all day and I probably smell of pies, and he said 'you're a beautiful lady and not at all like a pie.' That comment was then over analised for about an hour with Rach and Suze, we disscused several important isssues such as:

What was the significance, if any of the word 'lady'?

and Was Dan just saying nice things because he is a nice person or was there a motive behind it?



3) The Twister Day (May 2007)

By May we both definatly liked each other but didn't know that the other one did. It was Dan's birthday bbq and I got there as early as possible and made my hair esspecially nice and curly which was the first thing he said when he opened the door. There was a bit of a nice moment when we both sat on top of his fence alone together, but people kept coming out into the garden and saying 'oh sorry' and going inside again. Later on we go the twister mat out, I stood on it saying I want to play twister and then Will the medeler shouted 'Dan get in here' and Dan who wasn't even in the room was called in to play the most alkward game of twister the world has ever seen, infront of an audience who all seemed to know more than we did.



4) The I know you know day (May 2007)

It all came to a head the day before the 'I know you know day' when we were at a party and everone in the room was acting very strangly and I knew they all knew and I eventually asked Joy if Dan knew, and she said yes and then there was about 10 minutes where I thought 'oh great, he knows I like him and he obviously doesn't like me back or else he would have said something, I feel stupid' and then after 10 mins Joy said 'He likes you to you know'. So that was all the friday the day before the 'I know you know day' so on saturday I phoned him, which was the first time I'd ever phone him he didn't even have my number, and I said...



'I know you know, and now that you know I know you know, maybe we could talk about it?'



it sounds like a primary school exercise sentence for children leaning about the words 'know' and 'now' but it is genuinly what I said and he said...



'Great I'll be at you house it 10 minutes!'



and then we went out for coffee and had a very funny conversation that started with him saying



'so tell me about yourself I only just found out your Dad is from Kuwait'



And I said 'Yeah my Dad's from Kuwait and my mum's from southport...' (and then I was trying to think of a way to bring the conversation back around to me instead of my parents) at this point I should have carryed on thinking for a bit longer but instead I said ....'They had sex, it made me' not the best opening line, but very funny.



Then Dan talked about him and we went to calderstones park. It was one of my favorite ever days. In the evening I had to do bar work which I am very bad at but I mannaged to earn £13 in tips the most I've ever earned because I was smiling so much.



5) The Pregnate Day. (23rd May 2007)

I did not get pregnate on this day! This was our offical will you go out with me day, it started with a trip to the beach in which I burried Dan and gave him a big belly in the style of a pregnant lady. Later on as we we sitting on a sand dune looking out to sea he looked at me very serriosly and said 'so do you want to be pregnant?' ha ha ha....he was obviously meening do you want to be buried but it just came out wrong. I think maybe you had to be there. We went back to Dan's after and had the going out conversation. There was a football match on Liverpool via A.C Milan. If liverpool won I would have to work serving pies in anfield the next day, so we were both cheering for A.C Milan to win so we could see each other the next day, and they won! Good times.

My Friend Helen Bradley 2005 - current

I would like to write a post about my good friend Helen, she is possibly my best friend although I wouldn't say that infront of Rachel she is pretty up there too, maybe it's best not to have a best so lets just say she is in my top 5 favorite people along with rachel and three other people that I can't remember the names of. Being in the top 5 may not mean much, a friend of mine one told me I had 'a very high best friend turnover rate.' we're not really friends anymore, how ironic. Thats why I wrote 'My Friend Helen Bradley 2005- current' because thats how long I've known her, although in 2005 I probably just reconised her in a crowd sort of thing. It wasn't until she realise in 2006 that I didn't fancy the same person she did that we became friends before that I was more of a threat to her than a friend.

Anyway, it was Helen's Birthday on saturday she was 25 which is one of those ages I will never reach. When I first met Helen she was just turning 22 which at the time I thought I'd never reach but now looking back as a 23 and 1/4 year old I can see she was in her youth. The great thing about Helen is however old I am I am never as old as her. (Unless she dies before me I suppose then I could overtake her in age.)

It has become a tradition that every birthday I make her a game, this started on her 23rd birthday when I made her a game called 'HADAG' (Helens Amazing Drawing and Acting Game) it involes trying to convey quite difficult words such as 'the periodic t through quite difficult medium such as wire scupture, orrigami, dance, acting whilst giving someone a piggy back ect. On her 24th I made her 'Guess Whom' which was remarkabally simular to another classic board game except the people in it were all her friends. This year I made ' Helens Human truth or dare snakes and ladders' which consists of 40 A4 pieces which are spread out on the floor and you are the counter. If you don't get a snake or ladders you get a truth (e.g When was the last time you washed your sheets?) or a dare (e.g eat a tea-spoon of salt.)

I can't really remember where I was going with this post maybe I shall write an ode to Helen I think an ode is something you write when they're dead but thats so stupid, dead people can't read.

An ode to Helen:

Helen had her birthday and she was 25
that means she esacped the womb in '84 and became 'alive.'
every year on her birthday I make it my aim,
to invent a new exciting fun home-made board game.
I judge the greatness of the game on sticky back plastic,
If I use a lot it is very very fantastic.
we live in liverpool but we've had trips away,
to Poland and Palestine, and snowy Norway.
we share a united discust for ryanair,
the airline that hardly ever gets you anywhere.
we both love spinning circus fire tricks,
thats why she's in my top 5 friends I'd pick.
Obviously thats not that only reason,
Saying things like that is almost treason.
I love her because she is just great,
and I am super happy that she is my mate.

The Three Bears

I read the story of goldylocks and the three bears to a small child called sammy on monday, I read it really nicely and even did different voices for the different charictors, however what I chose not to discuse with little sammy were the fundermental floors in the plot line which I discuss now:


A) Who goes out for a walk if their porage is to hot? you don't do you. you just blow on it or wait a minute, plus according to goldylocks they were all at differet temperatures anyway.

B) Why didn't they lock the door? I'm willing to overlook this a bit because I realise that some small comunities that live on islands and are all imbread might not lock the doors but it's still not sensible.

C) Why were the bowls of porage different temperatures? surely they were all made in the same pan originally. The only explanation I could think for this is that the sizes of bowls may have had an effect on the temperatures however in this case the smallest bowl (which we presume belongs to baby bear) would be the coldest where as in the story daddy bear's was too hot, mummy bear's was too cold and baby bear's was just right.

D) Why were Mummy and Daddy bear sitting in seperate beds? did they have marital problems?

E) Goldylocks was oviously a young person with behavioural problems who was unacompanyed by an adult. why didn't the bears do anything about this? like phone the police or social services or something. If I found a troubed youth in my bed I would make sure they were reciving the proper care they needed. Maybe the break-in was just a symptom of her tragic home life, or maybe it was a cry for attention.

F) Talking bears?!

If I were re-naming this book I would call it 'The tragic story of a vunrable youngster and three bears who need more child protection training.' and it would not be the kind of thing you would read to your children.

Custard Pies

I went to visit my family this weekend, partly because my sister was getting baptised. Also I went into my old secondary school because one of my old art teachers asked me to come in and talk about doing art at uni.

It was very weird going back, I tryed to control my almost uncontrolable urge to be naughty. There are some teachers who made your life misrable for years of your childhood and you could never do anything back and then one day your an adult and you really can say whatever you want to them because you'll never see them again and they can't do anything back, they've lost all their power. That's too gooder oppertunity to miss really.

They have a reputation to keep up infront of there class but no students know you anymore so you could just walk into a lesson and say 'The police are outside and want to question you about selling crack to sixthformers' or 'your plastic surgeon is on the phone he said he can preform the liposuction on thursday' or you could just bring in a whole load of custard pies in and get them.

I did like some teachers though, I've got two lists in my head one is teachers I would custard pie and one is teachers I would bring in a cream cake for. I think I should disgues their names a little bit, as sarah does read my blog in her maths lessons.

Teachers that deserve a cream cake:

Mr Bread Cheif- because he wore clothes from around 1700s like cloaks and top hats and a monacule and a pocket watch and waistcoats, and because he let out the other teachers secreats e.g Mr Everts lives with his mum.

Mr Alive Rock - because he didn't seem to mind when I played hide and seek in his lesson, and he even wasn't that bothered when I put a fake arm that hung from the celling. Also he let us use sock pupets for our bussiness studies presentations.

There were some other nice one two.

Teachers That deserve a custard pie in the face.

Mr Rock dweling- For scweasing my tamogochi until in stoped beeping and then conficating it...forever.

Mrs Lea lum - For making me walk across th gym only wearing a t-shirt because I didn't have the right kind of shorts. For making me do P.E when I was sick the night befor and I have a note. For watching us in the showers, and for not responding well to my consturctive critisim/ petition against her about the showers.

Dr Look tip - For shouting at me in his office too many times.

Mr Childish- For giving someone an award for their help with the charity commitee even though I was head of it an they wern't even on it, and for genrally being an idiot.

My Dog

Most people know that I haven't got a dog, and infact I really don't like dogs that much they are ugly and smelly and they make horrible noises and they mess up your house and you have to take them for walks and feed them, I don't know why anyone would have a dog. It would be like haveing a dirty tramp staying in your house rent free for years, except you can't even have a proper conversation with it, and it costs you money.

So maybe I should of title this blog 'Clare's Confusion' I will explain our phone conversation and what I said and what she heard:

Clare: I'm phoning about the youth on friday.

Me: oh I attually won't be there, I'm going home for the weekend.

Clare: ok

Me: yeah I lost my job, so I thought I might as well go back home for a bit.

(Clare hears: I lost my dog so I thought I might go home for a bit.)

Clare: I'm sorry to here it.

Me: yeah, I've still got my other one though so it's ok.

(Clare thinks I'm talking about another dog I have)

Me: it's the one at the bluecoat.

(Clare hears: it's the one with the bluecoat - and thinks that blue coat is a breed of dog not a gallery)

I carry on talking about my job and she eventually twiggs. Ha Ha Ha I found it very funny.

But then I asked her if she is relived or more upset that I lost my job and she said she was relived because losing a dog is a terrible thing bla bla bla, she is obviously one of those deluded people who thinks there is something good about dogs.

A possible idea to combat homelessness: get homeless people to dress as dogs and sit in pet shop windows ready to be bought by deluded dog lovers. It could work.

p.s I'm adding this bit a lot latter- I didn't attually end up losing my job in the end I just didn't have any work for a few weeks and then it picked up again I just thought at the time I wouldn't have anymore work there.

The Credit Crunch

Every time I here the phrase 'The Credit Crunch' I imagine a big round green moster with big feet a big mouth thats eating up money.

Anyway until this weekend I think the credit cruch or reccession has only really effected me in one minor way, I had to change my supplyier of invisable thread from Wolworths to Rennies the art shop. Although this was difficult to come to terms with at the time, I think I am now over it. I have moved on and found that Rennies can atually meet all of my invisable thread needs, which is quite a lot more than the average persons, I think I've got though 3 rolls this year.

I will now go on a tangent about Rennies : I was in Rennies at the weekend trying to buy a frame (why they sell paper in sizes like 'A1' and sell frames in sizes like 'nearly A1 but annoyingly not quite' I will never know)

oooh Sub tangent: I was buying a frame because I am in an exhabition in the egg cafe called 'The Painted Artical'. If you are my friend you can come, or if you have lots of money to spend on art you can also come. If you are a wierd internet stalker who reads the blogs of people you don't know, you cannot come.

If you are a weird internet stalker and you have money to spend on art... I guess you can come, but you must buy some and you can't be wierd around my friends.

If you are my friend and you are also a wierd internet stalker....I'm not sure, I think maybe you should get some help, and don't bother coming.

End of sub-tangent back to main tangent about Rennies:

Rennies is a bit dodgey this is my conversation with them on saturday

Me: How much is an A1 frame?

Them: We don't do them but we can make one up for you.

Me: How much?

Them: £23.99

Me: oh

Them: are you a student? we have a discount.

Me: No

Them: are you a student?

Me: No

Them: are you a student?

Me: NO I'M NOT A STUDENT!!!!!

Them: Are you a student?

Me: oooh

Them: Are you a student?

Me: ....I guess I could be.


end of tangent back to my serrious dicussion about the reccession:

This weekend I have found out that my gallery job has no funding for the next exhabition and therefor isn't really employing casual staff anymore. This is not a good time or place to be an artist. Everyone had too much art in 2008 with Liverpool being the capital of culture and all. so in 2009 Liverpool has become the capital of poverty and uglyness. Art has been outlawed and all artists will be put to death.... Ok I'm exadurating slightly. So I have very little work, I could have got my denim jacket on found a picket line and shouted angrly in a newcastle accent, but I chose to just pop down to the job center and have a look at what's avalible.

I will leave you with this question:
what would happen if artist went on strike?
would people care? would they get a pay rise?
what would the world look like if art was banned?
How would it be inforced?
what is art?
is that more than one question?

How not to toast marshmallows

Me and Dan discovered last night how not to toast marshmellows. If you want to not toast marshmellows and you have three hours to spare follow these simple instructions:


1) Pick a really windy night.
2) Buy some marshmallows and a lighter and cocktail sticks, they are the best kind for not toasting marshmallows, don't get skewers that might work!
3) Borrow a topless car and have the roof down even though its windy and night time, and drive to a beach.
4) collect some dampish wood
5) dig a whole in the sand so you get down to the silghtly damp bit
6) build the fire from balls of screwed up paper (the shiny not that flamable kind) and the damp wood.
7) spend about half a hour attempting to light the paper
8) get really excited when its finaly lit but a bit disaponted when you realises the wood will never catch fire.
9) get alot of smoke in you eyes and mouth.
10) give up trying to light the wood and have a paper only fire.
11) in the ten seconds of fire, quickly get out the marshmallows and put them on the cocktail sticks and hold them to the fire.
12) enjoy a slightly warm marshmellow and a slightly burnt hand.

P.S in connection with my last post, my mum emailed be another argument for skinny jeans, which is they use less fabric and therefore are more enviromentally friendly/ energy efficiant. However if this is true how come those tree hugging hippy types always wear flares?! someone should tell them.

sub-cultures

I do not understand them. I was talking to my class today who deffinatly would come under the scally/chav catogorie on acount of their tracksuits, lack of education, drug use and other criminal activties. They were telling me about when some goths started on them in town and they are meeting for proper fight on saturday when each team has chance to gather a bigger army of followers. I can't quite imagain how this conversation went did they all get out their diarys? did they dicide on a proper time and place because with the amount of people involved, it will need to be well organised.

I asked why they were going to fight them, they said 'because they're goths and they called us scallies.' so I think it all boils down to the fact that the goths chose to wear predonminately black and although the scallies do too, but their fabric of choice is more sythetic black where as the goths prefere more natural fabrics. It's so stupid, its like all the people in the world who prefere buttons fighting all the people who prefere zips.

I wonder what sub-culture I am in, I like to think I'm not in one but I think everyone thinks that. I went through an adidas phase when I was about 12, and then decided that adidas was the route of all evil and quicksilver was very cool when I was about 15. So maybe I was part of a surfy sub-culture then. Not one that involved surfing obviously, a kind of watered down 'I live in a suburb of covenrtry' surf culture.

I saw a photo of my sister sarah wearing skinny jeans today, I curently don't own a pair so I wonder if that means we are in different sub-cultures? I'm not sure of my opinion on these, I remeber the first time I ever saw somone in fared jeans, I was about 10 and I thought it was riddiclus and was certain it would never happen to me, but obviously it did. and then when I was about 19 ish skinny jeans came in and I was certain that would never happen to me and it hasn't yet. but it could happen at any moment!! arrggghh! I know this because I have started to build up for and against arguments in my head and there are now 5 arguments for and only 3 arguments against:

For:
1)easier for cycling.
2)looks nice with boots.
3)everyone one's doing it so I won't stand out.
4)I think I'm the right kind of shape for them.
5)it's enevitable.

Against:
1)I may be joining a different sub-culture without knowing it and get beaten up by whatever subculture I am in now.
2)I said I'd never do it.
3)It makes your feet look big.

Hair cuts

Yesterday I paid £23 to have bits of me cut off whilst having to maintain a small talk conversation with the stranger who was doing the choping. Its called going to the hair dressers and aparently it's normal, some people even enjoy it!

This was the 5th time I've been in my life, the first time was when I was 19 before that a man used to come round to the house and do it, I had a childhood fear of him and then when I was 17 he became my driving instuctor and that was also weird. He would recomend hair syles whilst I was trying to do 3 point turns and he would ask me driving theory questions whist he was cutting bit off my hair. I failed my driving test 4 times...but enough of my tragic past, I would like to know what is the normal thing to do when going to the hairdressers because talking about tyre depth tread certainly isn't normal. So they say 'how do you want your hair?' and all that and then there's that bit of unessisary conversation where they inevitably ask 'what do you do?' I can answer that, but then what? I can't ask them what they do because they are doing it.

I discoverd what you don't do...don't make stupid jokes when you don't know what to say, it confusses them. When they had you the recipt say 'thanks' don't say 'In what circumstance would I need this?.....If I decided I wanted a refund and I would like all the hair to be put back on again?!' they do alkward faces and look puzzled.

A Cyclists Anguish

Whilst cycling home yesterday I wrote a song entitled 'A Cyclists Anguish' It need to be sand in the style of heavy metal/ angry rock.

Verse 1
We cut you up and we don't care
It's your fault for being there
we'll knock off wing mirrors and the like
because we are ridding on our bikes.

Chorus
And Just like the israeli arab minority
We'll fight against you the enemy majority
Because much to our hillarity
You think you've got priority.

Verse 2
We don't pay road tax, we're not insured
The anger in us can't be cured
we long for the day petrol runs out
Because then how will you get about

Bridge
to live in Holland is my aim
where cyclists are at the top of the metaphorical food chain*

*the views expressed in this song are not exactly the views of the writer, however the writer thought it would be more interesting to write a angry song than a song in which they are just mildly annoyed.

Being Bi-regional

Last night I had a dream where everyone spoke in a scouce accent. I'm quite pleased it means I must be fluent in scouce. People who are bi-lingual often dream in two languages it is like a sign that they are really good at a language and they think in that language. and so I think I can now declair after 3 and a half years of living in liverpool I am now officially bi-regional. Even though the only thing I can say in a scouce accent it 'eee'

Pregnancy Tests

Last night my boyfrind and I ....... (I'm not going where you might think I might be going) we went to our church AGM meeting which was secreatly disguised as a "drinks reception" I'm am proud to say he was norminated for a frontline hearos award. People were norminated for all different reasons like years of volunteering when they are ill ect, Dan was norminated (by me) for being the only man on inform (the pregnacy crisis councilling thing) and for his commitment shown by taking a pregancey test. Yes I am proud to say Dan nearly got and award for weeing on a stick. He deseved it, not many men have taken a pregnace test. even though it must be a lot easyier for men than women. I was realived to discover he wasn't pregnant.

Solve this equation

I've been thinking more about the book thing and have reduced all my book issues to this one maths question:
I wibble's wages are £6.49 per hour and on average day in the gallery she works for 8 hours with one of those hours being her lunch break and too of those hours being taken up by being on reception, and the averave book costs £8 and takes around 8 hours to read, but reading makes the time feel like it's going at around twice the speed of just sitting doing nothing, what should she do?

(please take into account what would make her working day most finacially viable as well as enjoyable and remember to show your working.)

A) give up reading
B) give up her job
C) keep Buying books
D)Join a libary

A Confesion

My Name is wibble and I read books...there we go I've said it, and addmiting you've got a problem is the first step to dealing with it. It started in primary school we were forced to read every day but I was never a ture reader, I never enjoyed it or anything and I remember being stuck on this book for about the whole of year 6 and I had to compleate it before I could ever move on to a new book it was called the adventures of the little wooden horse and it was absolute rubish.

Then in secondary school reading became a lot more optional and I oppted out, in fact I don't think I read more than 5 books for the whole of secondary school. Then I was dyagnosed with dyslexia when I was 16 - great I thought this is a valid excuss to have a life free from words.

I chose to study Art at uni - the least wordy subject, the easyist subject to spell and it mainly invoving pictures. But this is where the problem started. I was given a buddget of £200 per year to spend on books because of my dyslexia (oh the irony- that's like giving a vegitarian £200 a year to spend on meat) but I din't want to waste the money and I had got quite good at thinking of ways round it (e.g once I was given a £10 book token which I spent buying a birthday present book for my sister and I made it a joint present from me and my other sister so she gave me £5 in cash)

So I decided to start buying books full of photos and I took luke and will on a little shopping trip too once. Then when I was going to palestine and knew there would be no t.v I bought a couple of novels which I quite enjoyed. Then I graduated and the money stoped coming. This is what you should watch out for it's what drug dealers do give you free stuff and get you hooked and the put up the price. I now work in an art gallery where you basically sit all day and make sure no one nics the art. You have to do something to keep your mind occupied or you go crazy.

I started bringing in a sketch book but I often run out of things to draw.....argh what do I do. Anyway on friday a craked under the pressure and bought a book, not with book tokens with real atual money, I think the feeling is simular to the first time you take drugs on your own not to be cool just coz your addicted. The book was £8 and I read half of it on the day I bought it, if I carry on like this I might as well take up smoking it would be cheaper....I'm even considereing joining a libary to fund my book habbit.

Please do not judge me I am talling you this so that it won't happen to you, I never though it would happen to me. It's to late for me know but saves youseves! this is how it starts reading internet blogs, befor you know it it will be magazines then books! you may even one day own a waterstones loyalty card!!!!! arghhhhhh.

Emo Dolphins

Today I taught my art class about surrealism. I started by explaining what it was and then getting them all to make a guess of when they thought the surrealist movement started. The closest person got a sweet. Answers ranged from "at the dawn of time" to "2008" which was quite a wide range. I then asked them if they could name a surrealist painter and the answers were "that guy who choped off his ear" and "Dick van dyke"

Hmmm.. I quickly moved on to getting them to think of surreal things they could draw my favorite was the emo dolphin I can't wait to see that painted and on the wall.

quality street

This weekend was one of my best weekends I've had in a long time partly because I didn't have work and partly because it involved a lot of eating. It started with the most incredible breakfast at Rachel's on saturday morning I had: scrambled eggs, beans, bacon, croisons, pain au chocolate, great fruit with sugar and cinamon and pancakes with choclate sauce! any weekend that starts in that way is bound to be great.

The most funny part of the weekend was Tina's party on saturday night, she decided she wanted to do something different and that going to a kaylee would be fun (it is atually spelt something like ceilidh or something ridiculus but I refuse to spell it like that) Tina is a 1st year student and like most first years she lives in accomadation that resembles a prison/refugee camp. Me and Joy the only non-students arrived at the halls, to meet Tina friends who were all dressed up in a normal student night out kind of a way. We walked down to this place expecting to see a load of other students but there was just a very old and very un-cool looking church hall filled with 60 year old women in long flowery skirts. eeew.

We decided to brave it anyway, there was a least a bar, even if it did have a swear box behind it. I was getting used to the idea that we would soon be dancing with these people when I spoted someone I knew, a teacher I used to be a teaching assistant for. I was a bit enbarrased to be seen there and shocked that I had attually chosen to socialise at the same place as her. 'This is wrong! I'm only 23, too young to die and to young to do this kind of dancing that happens about 10 years befor death' I thought.

The dancing begain and it was atually really fun, I'm normally not a fan of dancing because I'm rubish at it but this kind of dancing to quote Joy is 'taking the mic out of dancing-dancing' They attually tell you what to do, imagine if they did that in clubs it would be great, I wouldn't look so lost. We had a raffel in the interval. All our lot bought a strip of tickets, except me who just bought 1 ticket, you never win so whats the point. I wanted to reduce my chance of winning anyway as the woman I knew was sitting right by where you go to collect your prize. Tina won first which was great as it was her birthday, we all cheared in a way that was slightly to loud for the enviroment we were in, and then Tina picked the next ticket it was a bit bias because we all had orange tickets and so she picked an orange one, which was mine. Chocolates!!! everyone shouted at me as I went up to the table, I quickly scanned the table:
a box containing vegtables-no
some borring looking envelopes-no (who would donate envelopes!)
bottles of stuff -no
choclate bars- hmmm
or a big jar of quality street-yes!
I took the jar and picked the next ticket, I'm not proud of this but I have to admit that I saw the colour of the ticket and the number and knew it was one of our group. If your not going to fold up the tickets properly thaen thats what you should expect.

I had to talk to the teacher too, it was alright she's atually nice and I could tell her about how the class were getting on since she left. Our group carried on winning because we kept picking our own colour tickets, and i discoved that there was a massive hamper I could of won but I didn't because I thought they were all seperate things in a basket thing, and it turned out the borring envolopes had intresting things inside them like a meal out for too in the egg one of my favorite restrants. I can't complain though 20p for a jar of quality street isn't bad.