Triathlon

My lovely husband Dan has just completed his first triathlon. Which means he paid to jump into a freezing lake swim 750 m, then cycle 31k and then run 8k up a mountain.


This is what the triathlon did to his face:

Thankfully his face went back to normal!











When he had finished this test of endurance  in the time of 3 hours 28 mins he was handed what every person in that situation needs- a complementary coaster. On one hand I admire his ability to do a race like this, but on the other hand I don't think it sounds fun. If I was doing a triathlon I would like to dry my hair after a swim in a lake and re-apply my make-up and maybe stop for a cup of tea and a nap.

I have been thinking a bit about what kind of race I could enter that I would be good at. I'm not really good at doing anything fast, I'm only good at endurance  Also I don't really have the competitive personality need for sports I'm a bit of a communist sports wise.  In year 7 I used to really annoy the boys in football by trying to always make the teams draw, even if this meant scoring home goals. I got a few like minded girls to declare they were on 'team orange' when the actual teams were yellow or red. My orange team mates had only one goal in mind  and that was to equal the score. Anyway if I was to win any race now it would have to be a 2k breast stroke swim followed by a 5k unicycle ride followed by a 1k skipping race which finished in a big house with lots of hiding places, upon finishing the skipping element of the race the competitors must find and get into the best hiding place they can. Last to be found by the judges wins. Unfortunately that race doesn't exist. My worst race would be the 100m sprint followed by a game of scrabble followed by having to do a reverse park under pressure. Dan would actually be very good at that.

On the way back from the triathlon in Snowdonia we were looking out over the coast and I said 'Every time I think England is pretty I remember we're in Wales'

The National Trust Sucks

Yesterday Dan and I decided to go for a bike ride because it was a nice day and it's good to make the best of the rare moments when we both have bikes that work. I suggested going to Speke Hall  because it's one of those places that is relatively near but I have never been to. Speke Hall is one of those big old houses from the olden days that old people like to talk about, it's owned by the national trust, that organisation that has prevented school children from fun for decades and decades. I'm not sure why but going to places like this even out of my own free will always brings out my rebellious side. I wasn't bothered about going in the house bit I just wanted to sit around in the gardens for a bit as a break before cycling back home again. However you have to pay a lot to get in, it was going to be £20 for the two of us. But I got us a big discount with my cheekyness. Here's how:

Me: hello which bits can you get in for free?

National Trust Man: The cafe and the shop.

Me: Well that's no good. Ok how much is it to get into just the gardens?

National Trust Man: £20

Me: Is it true that if you live in poor postcodes you can get in for free? Coz I live in L15 and we've had 3 crimes happen to us this year.

National Trust Man: It's not deprived areas that get in free it's areas near here.

Me: oh, we've only got a fiver.

Dan: and card.

National Trust Man: Look I'll let you in for £7 for both of you.

Me: oh ok.


So we went in and looked round the big old house from the olden days. They had a music making device from back in the day which was basically like one of those things that you turn inside a music box but on a really big scale with a massive handle. Ironically it didn't work and there was an old woman standing next to it who's job it was to press play on a tape recorder from the 90's so you could here a cassette tape recording of what it used to sound like. We looked round a load of bedrooms from the 1500's and I couldn't help making sarcastic comments about how I would plaster whole sections, and get some ikea storage in there. In one of the rooms that was described as a gentleman's room there was a huge tapestry of a river and trees and some people. I didn't think it would be the kind of thing a guy would have in his bedroom nowadays, and I wondered if there was a market for slightly racy tapestries that would appeal to young guys.

The grounds outside were beautiful but I couldn't help thinking that I'd put a massive lawn to much better use with big trampolines, a zip line, a pony and maybe a hot tub maze that you could swim round. I asked Dan what he would do with the lawn and he said he's mow a huge penis into it. We then discussed how a penis would be a perfect shape for a swimming pool because you could have two nice Jacuzzi bit's at one end and a long thin bit to swim lengths in.

Today we randomly ended up going to the slavery museum with Alex and we learnt there that the man who owned Speke Hall also owned 200 slaves and so the whole thing was basically built on slavery. It's a good job I din't really know that yesterday or I probably would have brought it up with the National Trust ticket man and got us kicked out.

Basically my message is if you enjoy a nice day out in Speke Hall you're supporting slavery, and if you are a National Trust member you are almost certainly going to hell. Night Night x