Comedy Kisses

An incident on sunday which I shall not disscuss here inspired me to write this blog.


I think kissing is a weird concept, I mean it's normal because we're all used to a world in which kissing exsists, but if you were from a plannet where you never kissed, then I think it might be one of the things you struggle with culturally. Like clapping, I think it's odd when large groups of people bang their hands together to show they like something, and drinking cow's milk- it's clearly designed for baby cows, it kind of should be weirder for an adult to drink a cow's milk than for an adult to drink human milk, but for some reason it's not.

I know everyone is nervous on their first kiss, but think how nervous the people doing the first ever kiss would be, I mean like Adam and Eve or whoever, I wonder if they tryed lots of other things like tickeling eachother's elbows before they invented kissing.

This is the stages of my discovery of kissing (and by kissing I mean snogging):

1) Thinking that 'french kissing' was when you kiss eachother on both cheeks as a greeting, like the french.

2) saying infront of my parents friends at a party, that I was going to 'french kiss' my Dad ie give him a kiss on both cheeks.

3)being told what french kissing attually is and why I shouldn't use that term.

4) Thinking that only french people do this horrific kind of kiss that involves more than a peck on the cheek.

5) Realising that it's not only the french that kiss like that.

6) making a £100 bet with my dad that I wouldn't snog a boy before I was 17.

7) loosing the bet.

I have at least three more comedy kissing stories but I think they're not for the internet, ask me in real life and I'll tell you....attually one of them I can share:

I had just bought a brand new coat and I went round to meet up with a load of friends at Will and Lukes old house. I was unaware of how much static electricity had built up in me from my new super static coat. Dan opened the door and welcomed me, leaning in for a kiss (and this time I do mean kiss not snog), before our lips even touched a spark like a mini lightning bolt shot between us. I attually saw the flash, and it was so painful and I made such an odd noise that everyone came out to see what happend. Dan tryed to comfort me, he made sure I was properly grouded and leaned in for a comforting are you ok kind of kiss, but I was too freaked out and scared of it happening again that I didn't go near him. I calmed down, grounded my self again touched his hand first and then tryed to kiss him again but I could only go to a couple of cm away from him and then I kept getting freeked out and laughing, this happed about 10 times before I attually managed to give him a normal kiss. I think there's a phrase when two people like eachother that there's 'a spark between them' but if you really think about it, I don't think that's a good thing.

My Guide To Eygpt

As you may know I have recently made my blog public....it was always sort of public but you had to know the web address and I never said my real name on it. I kept it a bit secret because I kept thinking I might write something serious one day, and I didn't really want random people who hated me in primary school to read it. Not that I think random people who hated me in primary school have meetings together where they sit around googling me, but you never know. Now I've realised that all I write on this is silly stories from my life and I don't really care who reads it so, I have linked to facebook and therefore the world, so if you are a random person who hated me in primary school Hello! welcome to my blog : )

I would like to write this post to Dr Laura Mcgregor she isn't someone who hated me in primary school and it's always nice to know people who are in that category. She is currently trying to find out about nice 5* resorts with Jacuzzis and spars in sham-al-sheik so she can enjoy some winter sun. I went near there in 2005 and it was one of the best places I've been to so I thought I'd share some tips with her to try and persuade her to travel Hannah style.

1) start your journey in Palestine.

2) find two German traveling companions.

3) Plan to see the pyramids.

4) cross the boarded to Israel and get the bus to the southern most part.

5) Exit Israel and then have an argument with the Egyption boarder guards about visas, discover you can't get to Cairo without a visa cross back into Israel picking up some bad stamps in your passport that will forever cause you problems when traveling.

6) Spend the night sleeping on the beach coz Israel is expensive.

7) go the the visa place only to discover it's closed.

8) cross back into Egypt and go to the only place you can without a visa- the red sea.

9) find accommodation, and use your bargaining in Arabic skills to get it for £3 a night for a room or £1.50 if you take your mattress on the roof.

10) go to a restaurant where you sit on the beach between palm trees and smoke apple flavored tobacco.

11) have a day of camel trekking along the red sea, snorkeling, and tea with some Bedouins for £10. Even though a camel was sick on my friend and I got really sun burnt (it was august and I didn't wear sun tan lotion) it was still one of the top 5 days of my life ever!

12) cross the boarder back to Israel getting in to an argument with the boarder guards on the way and getting even more bad stuff written in your passport.

13) decide not to pay £7 for the bus, decide instead to hitch-hike back.

14) wait 4 hours in the desert for a lorry to pick you up and then drop you off in a random place (by that time it was night time).

15) come up with a better hitch-hiking strategy where I stand by the road and do my' poor little girl lost in the desert' face and the other two hide and then run out when a car stops.

16) Try to avoid talking about how much we love the Palestinians and volunteering in Palestine with the Jew who was kind enough to pick us up.

I think you should try all this Laura....all that 5* stuff is boring in comparison.

Essays Suck

I've never wanted to write an essay less than the one I'm suposedly writing today. I've become one of those people who has to reward themself with a biscuit every 100 words or so. I've also got the heating turned up and I'm wearing an ugly but warm and furry hoody I bought for a quid, just for extra compfort through the anguish of essay writing. Even a cancer victim whose just split up with their boyfriend wouldn't indulge themself with as many compforts as I am.

I was thinking of quitting the course last year as I could still leave with a qualification, but the lure of a free laptop, having my course fees paid for and still being able to cheekly use my student discount even though I work almost full time was too much for me. Oh well hopefully in a year I will have an M.A .........even though I will be fat-I can't remeber how long my dissertation is but I think it's a lot of biscuits worth.

Because I find reading really hard my method of writting essay's has become: read some articles and then absolutly everything I read has to go in the essay even if it's not answering the question because I don't like going through the effort of reading something for no reason. (from reading my blog I think it is obvious I don't read them through afterwards, sorry if they're incomprehendable.) If you think about it I'm kind of like the litterary version of someone who is constantly talking and never listening.

My essay is about children's rights..... and this document called 'the U.N Convention on the Rights on the a Child' which is like a document written by adults and only read by adults which in my opinion makes it pointless. There's no point me learning as an adult that 10 or 20 years ago I had the right to 'rest play and leisure' I can't go back in time to that moment when I had to write lines all lunch time for deliberatly forgetting to get off the school bus at the big cold swimming pool and acidently getting of at the nice warm baby pool with the infants even though I was a junior. If I could go back to that time with the knowlege I have of childrens rights now that would be awesome.....imagain the sceen:

angry teacher: how dare you diliberatly aviod swimming lessons! you will stay in at play time and write 50 lines!

Cheeky ginger kid: I understand the need to repremand me for my actions sir, but may I first reffer you to artical 31 in the UNCRC the right to rest play and leisure, I feel that depriving me of my play time today would infridge on my right as a child.

Angry teacher: you cheeky girl less of the backchat, 100 lines for you.

Cheeky ginger girl: I'm am only exercising my right as stated in artical 13 'the right to freedom of expression'

Angry teacher: 200 lines

Cheeky Ginger girl: Given my obvious hatred of reading and writing, doing 200 lines may come under the heading of 'tourure or other cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment or punishment' which according to artical 31 I am to be protected from.