Lava Land

6 year olds have messed up brains...or adults do I'm not sure, but I might right a book called adults are from Neptune and six year olds are from Uranus.

This thought occurred to me during a conversation with several 6 year olds which went like this:

a 6 year old: Where do you live?
me: Liverpool
a six year old: ooooh I want to live in liverpool because they have purple bins there.
me: They do have purple bins there, but that's a funny reason to want to live somewhere.

(Then I explained why they have purple bins which is because liverpool fc is red and everton is blue and so the council decided on purple to make it fair.)

a six year old: So do you support everton or liverpool?
Me: neither really, I'm not really from liverpool.
a six year old: Where are you from?
Me: near Birmingham.
a six year old: where is that?
Me: in the center of England.
a six year old: wooooow!! you lived in lava in the center of the world?!

I remember thinking loads of weird stuff when I was that age, like:
-if you dreamed about someone, then they were having the same dream at the same time but from their perspective,

- if you dig far enough in the sand you can get to Australia.

-I thought that a bit of dirt I found in my belly button was my umbilical cord.

-I poured my lemoaid on the grass because I felt sorry for the grass that it always had to drink borring water.

-I also remember thinking when I was about 6 that by the time someone reaches 8 years old they are capable of being totally independent and they could run away and easily live without any help from anyone.

Sometimes I think kids are more intelligent though, like the time I asked a kid why he drew arms coming out of his head, and he just held out his arms and looked at them and I realised that from the perspective of yourself, your arms do come out your head because you can't really see shoulders. And I think it is far more sensible to draw yourself from your own perspective that someone else's.

Who shall I bleed on?

I used to get nose bleeds a lot as a kid, and I really enjoyed it. I loved the attention, and the amount of disruption and mess you could cause in a school assembly without any pain at all. I especially enjoyed taking a big sniff, so a ball of flem and blood formed in my mouth and then dramatically spitting it out. I was an odd child...and now I'm an odd adult. Occasionally I had a nose bleed in a really annoying place like once when I was cycling and I had to wipe my nose on leaves. I don't hardly get them anymore, but last week I was driving to Manchester and I really thought I was about to get one.

I quickly went through all the possible things I could use to absorb blood in my head, I didn't have any tissues and I decided I wasn't wearing any clothes that I wanted to sacrifice to the cause. My options were really limited to maps. I discounted my Liverpool an Manchester A to Zs as they're important (although if I had to bleed on one it would of course be Manchester.) I concluded that the British atlas was the way to go but obviously there's some important bits you wouldn't want to bled on. I decided on Scotland as the place to do most of my bleeding as I've only been there once and it's not the kind of place that you just end up driving through by accident like wales. I wonder if it's racist to choose to bleed on one nation over another? Then I thought about where I would bleed in England and Wales to best preserve my map for future use, and I thought probably mid wales because there's nothing there, and Norwich. I did consider Milton kenes because it sounds boring but it's on the way to other places so I wouldn't want to mess it up.

The best way would be if I had statistics about gun crime and I could make a political map with more blood on cities with more gun crime. Maybe it could be "art" although it would probably mean bleeding on the most useful parts of the map. Anyway I never ended up having a nose bleed in the end, but at least I know what I'm doing if I do ever get a car nose bleed.

I guess I could be one of those women who carries tissues with her wherever she goes...but I don't think I'm really 'in that place' yet. I'm getting there slowly, I've got a plastic bag where I keep other plastic bags and I've nearly got a mortgage so a guess carrying tissues will be inevitable some day, but not just yet.

My Vows Init

Welcome to the 100th blog post of Hannah Marshall. For this post I would like to document a recent text message conversation between me and my future husband. We sometimes enjoy a bit of comedy in our texting, we often speak in either over the top radio 4 language or we go ghetto. In this most recent conversation we came up with ghetto wedding vows:

'Yo bruv, howabouts we say our vows in dis totally wicked styleley? I think da vic and our hommies would proper respect dat, init'

'I Dan Jonesy, do proper promise to av a crack at dis marring lark and try to, like, keep havin a job but also fun wid ma main lady Da end, does da mean we can snog now?'

'The wibster proper respects Jonesy boy and I promise I ain't gonna dis his face, or his mum, or his mum's face. Infact I iz gonna big him up to our crew and in da club n everywhere coz he is ma man.'

'Word. Are we, like, married now or do I need to text dis to da vic?'

What do normal people do?

In other wedding related news I had a funny dream about our wedding night! It involved me cleaning the inside of Dan's belly button with a baby wipe which came out all green. What does this mean?!

My Unoffical Dissertation

I have to write a 20,000 word dissertation for my MA, I had an idea for it but it was publicly rubbished as 'loaded with assumptions' and 'impossible to prove' so here is my unofficial MA dissertation:

'Dyslexics are actually secret geniuses at arty fun stuff'
Introduction
Get ready for my mind blowing research project it's going to rock your world.

Abstract
I know it's true dyslexics are secret geniuses and at arty stuff and I'm going to try and prove it.

Literature review
I didn't really read any books on this because I don't like reading but I did find a book called 'In the mind's eye- gifted people with dyslexia and other learning disabilities' This title suggests that someone else more qualified than me thinks something along the same lines as me, and if two people think something it is true. Fact. (Although if no one else thinks that it makes it not a fact)

Also there probably would be a million more books about this, but the only people who would write this kind of book are dyslexicsw and they don't like writing books.

Ethics
Nobody was killed in the making of this unofficial dissertation.

Research methods
I will collect data from my head, this stuff is made up from things I've overheard, conversations I've had and stuff I just know.

Analysis and findings
My hypothesis has been proved to be 100% true for the following reasons:

-I'm dyslexic and I'm arty.

-About half the people on my art degree course were dyslexic.

-My friend Josh is dyslexic and he got a first in art at uni.

-I'm sure other people have made this link before me.

Conclusion and Recommendations

-stop pestering dyslexic kids with spelling tests and buy them some proper good oil paints.

-get rid of grammar and dictionaries they destroy the soul.

Bibliography

Heat magazine.

The back of a packet of coco pops.

My great auntie Dorothy's facebook status.

Comments written in a petrol station toilets.