Pregnant and Homeless

This week I went for a little break from my slightly stressful normal life, to see my parents for a bit. My sister's reaction was "wow -it must be bad if THAT'S your solution"

While I was there my parents mentioned that they were struggling to write the Christmas letter this year. (If you're unaware of Christmas letters it's a middle class dying art of boasting about your family) i.e. "This year Claudia achieved 13 a* at G.C.S.E and grade 8 bassoon, she continues to volunteer as snowy owl for the brownies." Growing up, the Christmas letters we're not only a chance for my parents to boast in our achievements but also a chance to show off their technology.

"we have a photocopier!"
"look at our christmas clip art"
"we have a colour printer now"
"we have a family email address!"

Now that even old people have Facebook there is really no need for a year's worth of boasts in one letter, because Facebook has many instant boast features. My parents said they might just do a letter with photos on this year, and I wondered if they had tried to write it and it came out like this:

Sarah (22) is set to graduate from Southampton Uni with a first.
Joanne (27) began the year volunteering her medical skills in Papua New Guinea with husband Elisha. They then moved to Leeds and bought their first home together.
Hannah (30) managed to become pregnant and homeless this year.

Merry christmas.
Love Jerry and Sue.

Yeah its a bit awkward.

It's not been a great year for us. If you've no idea what happened, here's a summary of what happened before we ended up in the Langston's homeless shelter. Becoming Second Homeless and this one is about The Langson's Homeless Shelter

Since then we found a new house that we were really excited about, had an offer accepted and if the survey had gone well we would have been in just before Christmas. I don't feel like going into detail but lets just say it didn't go well, we won't be in before Christmas and we might not get in that house at all.

And all this while I am being a house. I hope that by the time I evict my tenant I will have a house.

This tweet sums up our year.

On the bright side, from an evolutionary point of view I've achieved all I need to achieve as a species. Me and Dan are two people who have now almost reproduced 2 people. Maybe my parents could put that on their Christmas letter.

Our christmas decorations

Brexit For Babies, Trump For Toddlers

Since I last wrote a scary man with an orange face has somehow become in charge of America. Judging by my facebook and twitter feeds everyone I know except for maybe 3 people think this is a disaster for the world. As with Brexit, yesterday was (in my opinion) a bad day for the world but an excellent day for twitter. If there one thing us Brits do well in times of crisis it's making up a hilarious meme.

Here are a couple of my faves:

and just to show that I'm not bias here's a pro trump meme:

There were a lot of serious make-you-think kind of one's that were good too, but this blog is not a serious make-you-think kind of blog. Although I did have some seriously depressing thoughts yesterday (more with Brexit though than this) I tend to wash over that with silly jokes. This attitude used to get me in trouble a lot, because there are times where you shouldn't make jokes, but instead of confronting these issues, I just surrounded myself with comedians who make money out of this particular character default. 

So this was my tweet yesterday:

And actually I got a load of people offering to lend me books on having a new baby and moving house, even though I just kind of said it for a joke. But funnily enough no one offered me a book on world apocalypse. And that's when I had my epiphany: there is a gap in the market for books that explain complex political issues to todllers. 

I'm quite good at explaining stuff to my 2 year old, like yesterday when filling the car with petrol and he said "what you doing?" I said "I'm giving the car some special car juice" and he got that. If only I was also an expert on political matters this would be perfect. But I thought I'll give it a go.

So here are some potential chapter titles for my new book:

world wars for whippersnappers

middle east for minors

Ireland for infants

Brexit for babies

trump for toddlers

So here's a bit of work in progress from the chapter Brexit for babies. There's stuff I need to work out, like I kind of used U.N. when I mean E.U. but I can't think of such a good metaphor for the E.U.

Once upon a time there was a street called Europe street, where lots of families lived. After school the children would all play out. One of the families was called the Britain family. The big sisters were twin girls England and Wales (England was born 10 minutes before Wales and was the bossy one). Then they had a little brother, Scotland who often disagreed with England, and the baby brother Northern Ireland, who sometimes felt closer to step-sister Ireland than the other siblings.

A very long time ago The Britain family had a big fight with the German family. Germany started it and they were very nasty, but lots of families on the street got caught up in it. That was a sad time for everyone and after that Uncles and Nans (the UN) got together to make sure this kind of silly squabbling didn't happen again. To be fair, the German family were very sorry and now they try and do nice things to make up for it, like clean the street and look after the kids who other people sometimes don't want to play with.

So, some ground rules were set for the children on the street, like play nicely and don't ride you bikes on other people's drives unless they say you can. But over time more and more families wanted to join in with the after-school street-games and more people wanted to be in the group that decides things about the street games. Because of this some of the rules got a bit more complicated and a bit more petty. Like "no ball games" was sort of a sensible if a bit dull rule, but the Britain children had a problem with it. 

"My mum and dad both say it's fine for us to play ball games on our own drive," they said to the Uncles and Nans. But the Uncles and Nans said "the street rules are no ball games whatsoever." 

"But that's silly! It's our drive we can do what we like on our drive, as long as mum and dad say so," Britain whinged. 

"We don't like your silly rules," England said provocatively. "We don't have to be part of your silly street rules." 

"You're right, you don't," said one uncle. "But if you're not part of the street rules you won't get to be part of all the lovely things we do, like ice cream van Friday."

"Hmmm." 

England didn't like to admit it, but she did secretly love ice cream van Friday, where everyone gave a bit of their pocket money to the uncles and Nans, and they made sure every kid got a 99 with a flake. 

England's mum and dad had quite good jobs, so the Britain kids got quite good pocket money and they got £1 per tooth from the tooth fairy, whereas some kids on the street only got 10p per tooth. England suspected the Uncles and Nans were taking less ice cream money off the poorer kids and they were a bit angry about this. 

"I don't know how much a 99 with a flake costs, but I suspect we could afford a double 99 with 2 flakes for what we give the Uncles and Nans."

So the Britain children got together to chat about what they should do. The twins, England and Wales, said "Lets ignore the stupid Uncles and Nans, we should just do our own thing." 

The little brother and the baby brother disagreed. 

"But we love our friends and we love ice cream van Friday. I know its a bit annoying not to play ball games but there are lots of other games we could play." The big sisters didn't listen to the little brothers, they were the oldest and the loudest. 

"We're not part of the street club anymore," they shouted down the street. 

There was a stunned silence. 

After a long pause The Uncles and Nans said "Alright if that's what you really want just leave. But no more joining in with street games, no more swapping football stickers with any of the other children and no more ice cream van Fridays."

England had a moment of doubt... It would be kind of embarrassing to change our mind now. Scotland was sad, they'd had their ups and downs with bossy old England but deep down they still wanted to be Brother and Sister, but they also wanted to be part of all the street fun. It seemed like they had to pick a side, which was all a bit unfair. 

No one wants to be eating a double 99 with a double flake on a sunny Friday, with kids that refuse to play with you.  That sort of takes away the fun.

A Big Week

A lot has happened in the week just gone, I've been sick in more glamorous locations than just my bedroom, I was sick in another country and in an aeroplane!

This week we had a mini holiday in Wales just from Tuesday to Friday with Dan's family. Dan's parents hired a 10 bed cottage for the week and Dan's 4 siblings and a few hangers on like me and Percy came along too. Since having a baby holidaying with family has changed from being 'ok if its free' to 'the best thing in the world.' Because when the adult to child ratio goes from 1 to 1 like it normally is on a work day to 10 to 2 it's brilliant. It's like actually having a holiday, I had an afternoon nap almost every day. Unlike the time we went for a just the 3 of us family holiday to Wales when percy was 7 months and teething. He was still up every few hours in the night to feed and then he decided that 4:45 am was the time we would begin our days each morning. By 10am we couldn't take anymore of playing with a baby inside, so we'd go and sit and freeze on a cold beach for a bit, wander round a few charity shops and then go home to make broccoli slime mash for Percy.

So yes, this holiday was infinitely better than that partly because Percy now sleeps though the night, eats normal food, and plays with far more interesting toys. (I really can't recommend the Duplo castle with working cannon enough.)

It was still cold beaches and no phone signal or internet, but I can cope with that when you have fun people to hang out with, and the board game risk.

a freezing cold beach

an inappropriately named restaurant

View from our cottage

Winter sunbathing

Portmeirion

The Crew

We got back on Friday to the fun task of having to do my tax return in an evening because I'd finally got my online activation code and had to do it ASAP for the mortgage man. (House news if you're interested... nothing has happened in 6 weeks because we've had a terrible mortgage lady who we've finally gibbed off for a hopefully better mortgage man)

Saturday was a crazy day...
Dan finally had his 30th birthday present, flying a plane from Speke airport. We arrived and I was feeling a little queasy. We decided not to tell them I was pregnant in case they didn't let me go in the back.

About to get on the plane.

Sefton park and the palm house

The anglican cathedral and behind it the women's hospital

Lime street and radio city tower

Aintree racecourse

I loved seeing all the views of places I knew, I was glad I could just enjoy them without having to think about flying a plane. On the descent down Dan was in control until the last 200 meters where the instructor took over. It was pretty wobbly and I realised I was going to be sick. Luckily the instructor had a sick bag on hand so I puked away in the back. I'm normally fine with wobbliness. Like I've never been car sick or sea sick but the combination of pregnancy and a windy day in a light aircraft was too much for me. I felt it was ok to say I was pregnant once we landed, they couldn't chuck me off then.

What you can't see on this is him holding my sick bag. Obviously I couldn't take the photo while holding it.

 The rest of the day was very full too. We went to 2 year old Freya's birthday party, the midwife came round and then we went to see some fireworks set off in someone's drive.

Don't worry the guy who looks like his head is being blown off is fine.

Percy had this unsure face on the whole time but since we got in the car to go home he's been chatting all about them.

 Happy November everyone!

Our little lobster baby

We have news!

Percy's going to be a big brother! Due date 9th May.

The keen detectives/stalkers among you will have already worked that out. It was obvious, in the blog before last I wrote "I was flicking through this magazine at the dentist" dead give away. I generally avoid the dentist unless it's for free. I was meant to go about a year ago, but I thought "nah I'll just wait till I'm pregnant again". They phoned me up 2 weeks ago and I was miraculously ready for an appointment. Had two fillings topped up for free. Thank you NHS.

But anyway back to the baby. The scan was really fun it was moving around a lot which was cool to see, it made it's hand into a 'C' shape for the photo. What does this mean? does it want a name beginning with 'C'? It looked like a little lobster claw.

I've been sick quite a lot which has been grim. A few times I've been looking after Percy on my own while puking into a bucket, he kept asking "what you doing mummy?" and then one time he said "my be sick" and started pretending to be sick. Then he said "can't do it mummy, you do it" as if it was a chore that needed to be completed.

We told Percy the day before the scan, We showed him pictures of him in my tummy and him as a newborn and he kind of gets it to some extent. If I say "where's the baby?" he says "in mummy's tummy". He seems cool with it as a concept, who knows whether he'll be cool with it in reality. To be honest I don't know how I'll cope with it in reality either. Newborns are tough. But I'm excited to become a family of 4 and meet a whole new fresh half me half Dan human.

2 Years of Percy Jones

Today was Percy's 2nd Birthday! and despite some obstacles like me having a 24 hour puking bug yesterday, it all turned out to be a brilliant day. One of those brilliant parenting days where you think "yeah that was worth my genitals being temporarily destroyed 2 years ago for".

He is at a pretty adorable age right now, where he is excited about opening presents but not yet demanding. After he'd opened one present he said "mummy open one" thinking that everyone got one, bless him. He's going to have to unlearn that at christmas. He got loads of lovely stuff from our generous friends and family, including many many vehicles. But the one that I enjoyed him opening the most actually cost 1p (plus £2.80 delivery). He'd got this book out of the library weeks ago called "the wheels on the bus at the zoo" which he absolutely loved and has learnt almost off by heart. So I bought it for him, not even a brand new copy, and then we made a big deal about taking the book back to the library and the fact that it wasn't his anymore,  then when he opened this book that he knows so well he was overjoyed!

Is that the Duplo royal castle set with working cannon...why yes it is. Guess what mummy and Daddy will be doing all day tomorrow.

Just to give a balanced view though, Percy isn't always 100% adorable. This morning while I was tying up balloons I asked him to bring me a red one, he happily toddled off and brought a red one back, well done top marks you're adorable. Then I made the mistake of saying "can you get me a orange one and a yellow one." He went off picked up an orange one and then attempted to pick up a yellow one as well, but wasn't able to pick up two at once. He made several attempts, always dropping one then falling over and then had a full on tantrum, kicking and screaming all because he was not able to hold 2 balloons at once. Eventually after a bit of time out he managed to calm down.

I really wanted this party to be a success as he spent his first Birthday in hospital with pneumonia, and although he did have a party, he wasn't quite himself and he wasn't old enough to understand the concept of birthdays. Whereas he's known for a few week that it would soon be his birthday so he was excited. He had a teddy bear picnic themed party.

I spent a long time making hats with famous bears on.

We had a few bear themed games and then some bear food made by Dan who I have to say has surpassed himself. Normally I would do the creative stuff (excluding writing or music) basically anything visual but as I was puking all of the previous day Dan was left with the task of being my nurse, butler, cleaner, looking after Percy, doing the shop and making 30 bears driving cars and marshmallow bear things, and decorating the party bags. He was a hero.

My friend Keisha made a fabulous cake!

 check out her stuff: https://www.facebook.com/keishascreationz/

Percy had a wonderful day he got to have a bit more sugar than normal which he was very happy about. We are fairly strict on sugar (and very hypocritical) I was quite proud when he saw a big tube of milky bar buttons and said "rolling pin". Yeah that's right Percy, thats a rolling pin, there's definitely nothing interesting inside there.

There were a few funny kid comments "when it's your birthday and you have a garden you need to have a bouncy castle" Ben age 4. Sorry to disappoint you Ben.

And to my parents "why haven't you gone home yet?" Abigail age 4

Thanks to everyone who came, and thanks to The Langstons for letting us throw a party in our temporary home. x

Hannah's guide to fashion

Yesterday I went to the dentist, and while I was waiting I flicked though a current copy of Marie-Claire.  OM Gosh it was ridiculous! I think the last time I read a girly magazine was when pizza express was giving out free copies of girl talk magazine in the mid nineties. 

So I wouldn't call myself a fashion guru but here are my personal do's and don'ts:

My fashion Don'ts (Marie-Claires do's)

Don't wear your sleeping bag in an industrial estate...

...and I think the Nazi Goose-step went out a while ago.

Underwear goes under...the clue is in the name

Think about what you're doing in your day...if you think hands might come in useful, then dress accordingly.

If this is what you wear to walk your dog what do you wear on a night out?

I've got no real issue with what you're wearing here, but you're not really respecting the piano

My fashion Do's
If it's winter and you're not making an effort go for: jeans, long sleeve tee shirt and hoodie.
If it's winter and you're making a bit of a effort wear: woolly dress, tights and boots.

If it's summer and you're not making an effort go for jeans and short sleeved tee shirt and cardi (for a British summer)
If it's summer and you're making a bit of an effort go for shortish floaty patterned dress with 3/4 length leggings (so you don't have to sit carefully and you can still ride a bike and climb trees when necessary) cardi and pretty flip flops.

If you're getting ready for a night out wear your least comfortable shoes, pretend it's 20 degrees warmer than it actually is and wear double the amount of make-up.

That's really all I can say about fashion.

Best Days of Your Life

Hey, I thought I'd write a blog about my recent comedy show... if you came thank you so much, you were the best most loveliest audience in the world. You laughed a lot, which either means I was funny or you're just super lovely friends that would pay to fake laugh for a hour just because you care about me. Both options are positive so I don't really mind.

 I tried to video the performance but although the record button was pressed unfortunately the camera which we set up on a tripod had already turned itself off by then so nothing got recorded :( sorry Lydia in Australia. I'll have to do a world tour and come to you. Anyway this blog is kind instead of a video.

So a while ago (maybe 6 months ago) I signed up for a slot at the Liverpool Comedy Festival's "funny looking fringe". That name constantly brought back painful flashbacks of when I used to have my very own funny looking fringe (why mum why??!!). Once I got over that I could start preparing material for the hour long show. I'd only ever done about 12 minutes of comedy at any one time before, so this was quite a challenge for me. I decided that the theme of my show would be my school days... because I thought that would be fairly relatable to everyone. Although some more than others, it works best if you were a similar age to me and British. This is the flyer I made.

The blurb is:
School days are the best days of your life, if you die at 16 and can’t remember before 4.

Blending the everyday with the surreal, comedian Hannah Jones remembers surviving school in the 90s as a dyslexic ginger.

“Whimsical” and “lovely” comedy, this is group therapy for those who were never cool enough to sit on the back seat of the bus. 

But guess what, someone who regularly sat on the back of the bus came... Danni McGuinness the show was not written for the likes of you!

I had a bit of a set made from things that remind me of school

and also some fake motivational posters because my secondary school was big on that once. Mine said:

Together 

Everyone

Achieves 

Mediocrity

There is no "I" in team, unless you're dyslexic.

There's no such word as "cantywantydodar"

You can achieve anything if you have rich parents.

Believe in yourself, 'cause everyone else thinks your an idiot.

Dan introduced the show in character as a strict head master. With "settle down it's you're own time you're wasting etc."

The show was around 50% new material. I got in some of my old classic stuff like eskimo muslims (about how hard it is for them in summer time Ramadan), the get your own back story (the one where I attempted to murder my teacher), my opposite songs (Think of a song title and then make every word the opposite word e.g Bye bye miss ameriacan pie = hello Mr Iraqi salad).

I also did a lot of new stuff... A whole new bit about sex ed and how in my school only set 1s were deemed sensible enough to put condoms on cucumbers, which is natural selection in reverse. I had a new bit about P.E. the horrors of the bleep test and sports day, how I'd set my sights on being an Olympic egg and spooner only to discover that wasn't a thing.

I had a new joke about king henry v111. 

Did you know he invented tinder?... Well not exactly. He invented the concept of swipe left and the head is gone. (It works better with some actions)

One of my favourite new bits was about when I had to keep a dream diary for psychology A-level. In this section I acted out 3 genuine dreams I had with some help from Dan and some homemade costumes. So there was the dream that I was a pond and a horse was drinking me. Then the dream that putting sweetcorn in your armpits was a new way of taking drugs....this was kind of funny coz we obviously hadn't practised with the actual sweetcorn before the really performance so it got a bit messy with sweetcorn water going everywhere. The third dream was the most surreal and most time intensive costume wise:

I dreamt that my husband was the Suez canal, but I was still me, obvs. So we had the kind of conversation you would have in that position:

You're a canal

Not just any old canal, I'm the Suez canal.

You're the Suez canal but I'm still me?

Yeah is that ok?

I kind of liked you how you were before?

You did say you'd love me whatever.

But this is not really what I imagined when I said that. Am I going to have to move house? Because I'm guessing you'll have to stay where you are because you're a major trade route and everything.

Yep?

And can we still have children?

Want to give it a go?

I'm sure all my married blog readers have had similar conversations with their spouses about these kind of marital issues. It's tough but you've made a promise so you've just got to work at it.

I did a bit about romance, I read out my first valentines card from 1996 (age 10)...

Then I read out this bit from my diary of feb 2000. I'm just including this for my school friends non of whom could see it because they're not in Liverpool, but they got a mention. 

"14th February

Today is valentines day and I actually got a valentines present! (I haven't had one since year 5) Abbie knew who it's from but she won't tell me but she says it's real which is surprising because most of our class have fake ones from me and Gillian....

February 15th 

I've found out who sent me the ballon because he told Abbie, Abbie told Lauren, Lauren told Helen and they kept it a secret for ages and wouldn't tell me which is out of order because it's nothing to do with them. Anyway I finally bribed them to tell me but I wish they hadn't because when you don't know you can have some hope but when you know it's Adam it's really boring."

I hope Adam doesn't end up seeing this but if he does...sorry, I wish you all the best, thanks for the balloon.

It was great being part of the festival, I went to see a lot of other shows I particularly liked Shaved Dog and Geins Family Gift Shop. Gav did a great job of organising the whole thing. He's like the mother hen of the Liverpool alternative comedy scene or slightly more offensively "the fat controller of comedy". I didn't say that, that was cheeky Rob Bond.

P.s thanks to my brother in law Josh for some of these photos (he took the good ones)

House News!

In case you didn't know we have been sort of homeless since May when Move Residential and some rubbish solicitors and an annoyed seller all contributed to us becoming homeless (read about it here) since then we have been living at the Langston homeless shelter (read about it here).

Over the summer, especially on our holiday to France, we had a lot of time to think about houses and adventures and what we want from life. It was such a lovely holiday. We stayed for a bit with Dan's French grandparents who live in northern France near Rennes.

Mamie and Papy (the grandparents) are some of the most content people we know. They sit out in their garden which is like a little wood and read all afternoon. Dan said how much he would love to have that French life style....I pointed out that this is a bit unrealistic, they are retired and it's the summer. Imagine us living in France in the winter, Dan working every day, me not being able to speak French and being away from friends.

I could learn French and we could move there but it is quite a massive commitment. We'd have to be there long term we couldn't just go there for 2 years and then sack it off that would be pointless. Apparently it takes 4 years to learn a language properly.  So then we had this idea about buying some sort of caravan or motorhome. I mean a VW retro split-screen campervan would obviously be a lot cooler but probably a lot less practical. We spoke to an old cycling couple who had a motorhome and they were saying if you can afford one while your kids are young they are a brilliant investment.

We started thinking about all the possibilities, like if Dan could earn money through the invisible in the air internet instead of the in a pc in a grey office internet, then we could go wherever we liked. Then my sister Sarah started showing me youtube clips of a family in America with 9 children who have a massive RV and travelled round America for 18 months home schooling them. I mean that looked crazy, but lets say in 3 or 4 years time when we might have two kids out of the baby stage. I could travel round Europe for a bit.

So then we booked ourself onto the camping and caravaning show at the NEC because we're secretly 60. Then we started looking at cheaper houses with big drives so that we could afford to get a caravan and have somewhere to put it. And guess what we found one! This week we had an offer accepted on a house in Gateacre/ Belle Vale.

It's got 4 beds, (and by that I mean it's got 4 bedrooms and no beds at all) a dining room, a lounge, a kitchen and utility room and a big garden. It's very near Gateacre, a lovely old villagey part of Liverpool, and it's also near Belle Vale a not so lovely scally area of Liverpool. But the fact it's officialy in Belle Vale is why it was affordable for us. It needs a bit of work but nothing major like if you were blind it would be fine i.e. no holes in roofs but a lot of bumpy wall paper and grubby looking carpets. If you want to be nosy here's the link: http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-55798933.html

So either we could do it up and make it look nice, or we could live with it looking a bit shabby without the chic and buy a caravan type thing.

Hopefully it will all work out this time and we'll all live happily ever after and I won't have to send anymore sculptures depicting my anger to estate agents.

P.S Here's a few of my fave holiday snaps: