I am almost 26... this seems like as good a time as any to write a list of things I'd like to do before I'm 30. They're not in any order.
1) Have at least one baby...I'm hoping to eventually have 2 girls and 1 boy, one them must be ginger or I'll have to keep on having children until I get a ginger one.
2) Drive to Kuwait in a Morris Minor. In memory of my grandparents who drove from Kuwait to England in a Morris Minor is 1953. I'm determined to do this even if I have to fill a lot of forms and use all my savings and come back to no job, it's got to be done.
3) Be an artist for at least 3 days a week.
4) do a some stand up comedy.
5) Laminate some ham and put a cheese string in a glue gun. (maybe as part of my stand up comedy routine.)
6) Do not give in to peer pressure... continue not to iron any of my clothes.
7) Do a mosaic on the all paving stones in the garden.
8) Always have a laugh with Dan.
9) Learn to cook a proper roast.
10) Don't become one of those couple that only hangs out with couples.
Thursday 22 December 2011
Sunday 18 December 2011
My Hypnotic MP
I recently went to visit my MP Luciana Burger. The purpose of my trip was to persuade her that HS2 is a stupid idea, and in turn she would of course persuade the world that HS2 is a stupid idea. HS2 would then be cancelled and everyone would celebrate. If you don't know what HS2 is it's a stupid idea. It's a railway line....and before you go off on one about we need better transport systems bla bla bla, yes we do but not this one this one is a stupid idea. You might be wondering why it's a stupid idea and I will tell you... it's a stupid idea because my Dad says so.
She doesn't look ugly enough to be an MP does she? I asked her what her opinions were on HS2 and she said she didn't feel very strongly either way but in general she was for it, and I found it very difficult to argue with her because she was so nice and smiley, even that photo of her is hypnotising me right now. I need to stop looking at it or I'll start writing what a good idea HS2 is.
My Dad doesn't know anything about fashion, he probably couldn't name anyone who's in the top 40 music charts, he can only cook boiled eggs and this chicken stew thing, he's a very inefficient ironer, and he can't unicycle and breath at the same time.... but he does have the ability to read a lot of boring facts about HS2 and then decide it's a stupid idea and give a reasoned argument as to why and then become the official spokesperson against HS2.
So when Dan and I were last visiting my parents, Dad asked us to send an email to our MP telling them that HS2 is a stupid idea - but in grown up words, she then offered to meet me to chat about it. I tried to learn some real facts about why it is stupid, and I also decided not to mention that my Dad is the main man against HS2. It was pretty difficult to be persuasive though she's got very hypnotic eyes.
Saturday 10 December 2011
Being an Artist
This week I did some talks about being an artist in a school I'm working in. I choose to show some of my kid art work like these from when I was 12...
.
I told them that when I was 8 I wanted to be really good at something and I thought about being an olimpic gymnast but decided instead to do lots of art and keep it in a home-made folder. On the inside of the folder I wrote 'If any of this art is sold after my death I would like the money to go to a new big cage for my gerbil goliath' I was quite a forward planner for a child but not quite forward enough to realise the gerbil was likely to die first. The teacher then told the children that basically artist only make money when they die. When it came to question time a girl asked 'what museum would you like your art in when your dead?' ...that was a difficult one to answer, but not quite as difficult as the queston 'How do you make EVERYTHING?'
Monday 28 November 2011
Ode to my Yaris
Oh little yaris born in 2003,
I cannot say how much we love thee,
I love your effective heating system,
Dan loves your insides, your cogs and pistons,
I love how you're cute and easy to park,
when you carry our canoes it's such a lark,
you can't speed coz your engine is too small,
but I wouldn't swap you for any car at all,
you took a turn for the worst,
when a ford mondao did a speedy reverse,
you were written off category D,
we considered a new car for me,
but I could't ever sell you for scrap,
the idea of that is total crap,
no other car could quite compare,
so we are getting you repaired!
I cannot say how much we love thee,
I love your effective heating system,
Dan loves your insides, your cogs and pistons,
I love how you're cute and easy to park,
when you carry our canoes it's such a lark,
you can't speed coz your engine is too small,
but I wouldn't swap you for any car at all,
you took a turn for the worst,
when a ford mondao did a speedy reverse,
you were written off category D,
we considered a new car for me,
but I could't ever sell you for scrap,
the idea of that is total crap,
no other car could quite compare,
so we are getting you repaired!
Friday 18 November 2011
Making Children Bleed
I made a child bleed today, not on purpose of course, I attually pride myself on the fact I have never purposly made a child bleed. Except when I was a child, but that's sort of allowed isn't it. I'm doing a mosaic project in a school. Mosaic sounds like one of those 'awww what a cute hobbie' kind of things that old ladies might do, but in attual fact mosaic artists are well 'ard. To get a good mosaic with any detail you really need to cut the tiles which invoved flicking tiny splinters of glass around the room. I pretty much spent all day kneeling glue and tiny shards of glass I cut my hands a couple of times and I also noticed a little red blob of blood forming on my tights. I had to have a bath when I got home to wash the glass off me. I felt like I'd spent the day rolling in that yellow fluffy stuff people put in their lofts.
I'm doing a residency in the school which is attually really fun, I've worked with all the children in the school making paper mosaics and now they are a bit involved in helping me make the big school mosaic. Today 6 children came to help me do some of the easier bit of the mosaic, the non-cutting part. I swept the whole floor before they came in but that doesn't really elimanate the chance of children hurting themselves. I had warned the teacher it was dangerous but she was still suprised when she had to take glass out of a child. I kind of thought it was enevitable, should that fail a risk assesment?
I'm doing a residency in the school which is attually really fun, I've worked with all the children in the school making paper mosaics and now they are a bit involved in helping me make the big school mosaic. Today 6 children came to help me do some of the easier bit of the mosaic, the non-cutting part. I swept the whole floor before they came in but that doesn't really elimanate the chance of children hurting themselves. I had warned the teacher it was dangerous but she was still suprised when she had to take glass out of a child. I kind of thought it was enevitable, should that fail a risk assesment?
Saturday 12 November 2011
Did You Know?
Did you know that getting an MOT is not the same as going to the dentist? you can't just put it off because you don't have the money or you don't feel like it. You actually have to do it and there are consequences if you don't. And did you know that if you go to one of them silly petrol stations that you have to pay before hand and you say '£40 please' that the pump does not stop at exactly £40...and that if £41.25 worth of petrol goes into your car and then you drive off....you really should go back and pay for it, or at least make your husband go back and pay for it if you're too embarrassed to go. Especially if the car your driving isn't really your car because a total divvy has driven into your car and crushed it and then driven off.
But did you know that if you have £3.80 and a bit of spare time and the registration number of the guy who smashed your car you can type it into a website and it will tell you his address and you can go round and have a polite conversation with him about why he's such a loser.
Not having a lot of luck with cars in the last few weeks, I feel a certain nostalgia for the simpler days when I rode semi disposable bikes. At least once a year my bike would be stolen or vandalised or would die of natural causes and I'd leave it round the back of some bins in town and go out and spend £2o on a new bike off a mate. Yes there were days when I'd arrive at work wet through to my underwear and shiver all day, but I never had to fill in vehicle related forms and I think given the choice I'd rather spend a day shivering than filling in forms.
On a happier note I'm having a lot of fun doing a mosaic project in a school at the mo, a boy from year 3 even came up to me and said 'Hannah - thank you for being an artist' aww...that made me happy because even though I love being and artist, sometimes I wish I worked in Asda just for the regular money coming in. He was a really cute kid I want that type of kid when I have kids.
But did you know that if you have £3.80 and a bit of spare time and the registration number of the guy who smashed your car you can type it into a website and it will tell you his address and you can go round and have a polite conversation with him about why he's such a loser.
Not having a lot of luck with cars in the last few weeks, I feel a certain nostalgia for the simpler days when I rode semi disposable bikes. At least once a year my bike would be stolen or vandalised or would die of natural causes and I'd leave it round the back of some bins in town and go out and spend £2o on a new bike off a mate. Yes there were days when I'd arrive at work wet through to my underwear and shiver all day, but I never had to fill in vehicle related forms and I think given the choice I'd rather spend a day shivering than filling in forms.
On a happier note I'm having a lot of fun doing a mosaic project in a school at the mo, a boy from year 3 even came up to me and said 'Hannah - thank you for being an artist' aww...that made me happy because even though I love being and artist, sometimes I wish I worked in Asda just for the regular money coming in. He was a really cute kid I want that type of kid when I have kids.
Wednesday 2 November 2011
Tell Tale Signs
What are the tell tale signs that someone is blind? they have a dog, they don't look at you in the eye, they have a computer that speaks to them, my dissertation tutor has all these signs and yet it still took me way too long to work it out.
I am the opposite of blind, I don't mean just fully sighted I mean pictures are my primary means of communicating and I think in pictures and it annoys me when I sometimes have to explain things in words.
I emailed this guy my dissertation and it was all colour coded so that I could see what paragraphs were about what topics etc, obviously that was no use to him because he's blind but I didn't know so that's hardly my fault. I kind of should have twigged when I had a meeting with him and his dog started sniffing me. I did register that as weird that he had a dog in his office but the dog didn't look like the guide dog kind it just looked like a normal dog. Maybe my dissertation tutor was scammed when he went to get his guide dog, I mean it must be easy enough to sell a fox or a badger to a blind person and tell them it's a dog.
My tutor asked a bit about me and my dissertation I told him I'd found one good book on autism but there wasn't enough other relevant stuff. He asked what the book was and not wanting to say 'I don't know it's brown and its got a picture of a cow on the cover' I said 'I've got it here and placed it on the desk' he then asked me to read the title which I still can't remember but in Hannah English it's something like 'The book about a girl who's a wicked drawer even though she's autistic and can't talk or tie her own shoe laces' He made me read the long and boring title to him, which I read in the style of a primary school child (with lots of pauses) not on purpose I'm just a rubbish reader.
His computer made a weird babble noise which I did recognise as the same noise Dan's blind friend's computer makes, and he didn't look me in the eye but he almost did sometimes. He said I should label my paragraphs so that I could move the around more easily and I said 'that's why I colour coded them' and that's when he told me he was blind. I said I'd just worked that out which was true but I don't think he believed me.
I am the opposite of blind, I don't mean just fully sighted I mean pictures are my primary means of communicating and I think in pictures and it annoys me when I sometimes have to explain things in words.
I emailed this guy my dissertation and it was all colour coded so that I could see what paragraphs were about what topics etc, obviously that was no use to him because he's blind but I didn't know so that's hardly my fault. I kind of should have twigged when I had a meeting with him and his dog started sniffing me. I did register that as weird that he had a dog in his office but the dog didn't look like the guide dog kind it just looked like a normal dog. Maybe my dissertation tutor was scammed when he went to get his guide dog, I mean it must be easy enough to sell a fox or a badger to a blind person and tell them it's a dog.
My tutor asked a bit about me and my dissertation I told him I'd found one good book on autism but there wasn't enough other relevant stuff. He asked what the book was and not wanting to say 'I don't know it's brown and its got a picture of a cow on the cover' I said 'I've got it here and placed it on the desk' he then asked me to read the title which I still can't remember but in Hannah English it's something like 'The book about a girl who's a wicked drawer even though she's autistic and can't talk or tie her own shoe laces' He made me read the long and boring title to him, which I read in the style of a primary school child (with lots of pauses) not on purpose I'm just a rubbish reader.
His computer made a weird babble noise which I did recognise as the same noise Dan's blind friend's computer makes, and he didn't look me in the eye but he almost did sometimes. He said I should label my paragraphs so that I could move the around more easily and I said 'that's why I colour coded them' and that's when he told me he was blind. I said I'd just worked that out which was true but I don't think he believed me.
Thursday 27 October 2011
Poorly or Horny?
yesterday I was very ill, at first it was the fun kind of ill where you watch t.v all day and then it went to the not fun kind of ill where you can't look at light and you want to chop your head off, luckily Dan suggested phoning NHS direct instead. Now I'm back to the fun kind of ill where you sit in bed at 11.32am writing a blog and sneezing.
When I first got ill the night before last I went up for a rest just after tea and lovely Dan did all the cleaning up. My throat got scratchy and I got a bit of a headache and I didn't want to shout downstairs to him so I did a very lazy thing and phone the hose phone from my mobile. I said 'I feel poorly can you come upstairs' in a really pathetic voice. Unfortunately he heard 'I feel horny can you come upstairs' and he was up in a flash. He may have been a little disappointed to be sent out to co-op to get soothers and paracetamol, but as it says in the marriage vows:
when I'm skint and when I'm loaded,
when I'm poorly when I'm horny,
if it life's wicked or if it's pants,
you have to love me till I die (and probably for a bit afterwards)
and I will too.
lets spit on it. (because that is what a kiss is really)
Love you Daniel. xx
When I first got ill the night before last I went up for a rest just after tea and lovely Dan did all the cleaning up. My throat got scratchy and I got a bit of a headache and I didn't want to shout downstairs to him so I did a very lazy thing and phone the hose phone from my mobile. I said 'I feel poorly can you come upstairs' in a really pathetic voice. Unfortunately he heard 'I feel horny can you come upstairs' and he was up in a flash. He may have been a little disappointed to be sent out to co-op to get soothers and paracetamol, but as it says in the marriage vows:
when I'm skint and when I'm loaded,
when I'm poorly when I'm horny,
if it life's wicked or if it's pants,
you have to love me till I die (and probably for a bit afterwards)
and I will too.
lets spit on it. (because that is what a kiss is really)
Love you Daniel. xx
Thursday 13 October 2011
Oh My Gosh!!
So we were driving back from creative writing the other day where I had just written a semi-autobiographical piece about my littlest sister. If your one of the few people who read it- yes I did take my baby sister in for show and tell, but no I don't have a step dad that works in a plus size fancy dress store, or a nan with a toy boy.
We've had a few problems with our car lately it had a new clutch a couple of weeks ago and then last week we found out the clutch wasn't put in properly and so a thing to do with the clutch came out of another thing and that made the car stop and people beep at me. (I wonder if when people were beeping they were just beeping because actually they were swearing but it was 4pm and there were children around so they had to beep their own swearing out. Is that what car horns are for?) Anyway Dan was driving a few of us home and then he suddenly went 'OH MY GOSH!!' I thought the car was going to break again but it turns out he just has a moment of realisation.
'OH MY GOSH!! A MUSLIM CAT CAN HAVE 9 LIVES AND 9 WIVES!!'
after a lot of lol-ing we discussed whether if we were Muslim cats with 9 lives and 9 wives would we have one wife per life or have a few single lives and a few 2 wife lives. I think actually Muslims are only allowed 5 wives but I'm not sure about Muslim cats.
We've had a few problems with our car lately it had a new clutch a couple of weeks ago and then last week we found out the clutch wasn't put in properly and so a thing to do with the clutch came out of another thing and that made the car stop and people beep at me. (I wonder if when people were beeping they were just beeping because actually they were swearing but it was 4pm and there were children around so they had to beep their own swearing out. Is that what car horns are for?) Anyway Dan was driving a few of us home and then he suddenly went 'OH MY GOSH!!' I thought the car was going to break again but it turns out he just has a moment of realisation.
'OH MY GOSH!! A MUSLIM CAT CAN HAVE 9 LIVES AND 9 WIVES!!'
after a lot of lol-ing we discussed whether if we were Muslim cats with 9 lives and 9 wives would we have one wife per life or have a few single lives and a few 2 wife lives. I think actually Muslims are only allowed 5 wives but I'm not sure about Muslim cats.
Saturday 8 October 2011
The Joyous Job Center
I'm in a bit of a backlog of blogs. Since the wedding we had a honeymoon in crete which was great it was 'better than reading a book!' I'd love to tell you more behind that story but I'm only allowed to tell 'one or two people' and I've already told four. There's no restrictions on those for people though so if you want to know what happen ask Helen Rachel Danni or Grace. It's hilarious.
Since then we moved into our lovely new house we came back to a brilliant surprise of two kayaks in our garden! Dan thought it was a wedding present from my rich relatives but then we saw the card signed by all of our real life best friends none of whom our rich, and soon after we saw the photos of them carrying the kayaks quite a long way to our house.
So we've settled into normal life again now, Dan's been hard at work and I've been making ikea furniture and stuff. I was hoping to start doing my art workshops in schools again but no work was coming through my agency I tried contacting schools directly but without much luck. I had a job interview to be a part time nanny but I didn't get it so I thought maybe I could go on Job Seekers Allowance, I phoned up to ask 'can I go on it ask I'm self employed and have a tiny bit of work?' They didn't directly answer that question but they asked me a million questions about myself and my financial situation. Including 'does anyone care for you?' I know the answer to that is no but I didn't want to say that I wanted say 'yes my husband cares for me, and my parents and all the friends that chipped in to buy us kayacks'
So after about an hour of questions and him taking every boring detail of my life he told me that I had an apointment at 10.50 at the job center on Monday and they will sort me out with JSA. I've been on JSA 3 years ago and I know if your later for an appointment then you can get benefits cut off so it got to 10:40 and I was trying to choose whether to go by car or bike or legs and I picked legs...I started walking then I started running then I realised even if I run I will still be late so I ran back and got the car. I couldn't park that near so then I had to do more running but I just made it on time.
When I arrived I then had to wait in a queue before finally going to my appointment, and the first thing the woman said was I can't get JSA because I'm self employed! she did tell me that if I wanted to continue with my claim then I could but I would get any money.
'errr I think I've wasted enough time thanks'
'Ok well then you need to fill in this form saying that you formally want to withdraw your JSA application'
'but the first thing I said on the phone is can self-employed people with no work get JSA!'
'it's not their job to answer that question, it's only their job to ask you questions'
I think there are some job cuts that need to be made in job centers! stupid questioning man that is being paid with my taxes!!!!!
Since then we moved into our lovely new house we came back to a brilliant surprise of two kayaks in our garden! Dan thought it was a wedding present from my rich relatives but then we saw the card signed by all of our real life best friends none of whom our rich, and soon after we saw the photos of them carrying the kayaks quite a long way to our house.
So we've settled into normal life again now, Dan's been hard at work and I've been making ikea furniture and stuff. I was hoping to start doing my art workshops in schools again but no work was coming through my agency I tried contacting schools directly but without much luck. I had a job interview to be a part time nanny but I didn't get it so I thought maybe I could go on Job Seekers Allowance, I phoned up to ask 'can I go on it ask I'm self employed and have a tiny bit of work?' They didn't directly answer that question but they asked me a million questions about myself and my financial situation. Including 'does anyone care for you?' I know the answer to that is no but I didn't want to say that I wanted say 'yes my husband cares for me, and my parents and all the friends that chipped in to buy us kayacks'
So after about an hour of questions and him taking every boring detail of my life he told me that I had an apointment at 10.50 at the job center on Monday and they will sort me out with JSA. I've been on JSA 3 years ago and I know if your later for an appointment then you can get benefits cut off so it got to 10:40 and I was trying to choose whether to go by car or bike or legs and I picked legs...I started walking then I started running then I realised even if I run I will still be late so I ran back and got the car. I couldn't park that near so then I had to do more running but I just made it on time.
When I arrived I then had to wait in a queue before finally going to my appointment, and the first thing the woman said was I can't get JSA because I'm self employed! she did tell me that if I wanted to continue with my claim then I could but I would get any money.
'errr I think I've wasted enough time thanks'
'Ok well then you need to fill in this form saying that you formally want to withdraw your JSA application'
'but the first thing I said on the phone is can self-employed people with no work get JSA!'
'it's not their job to answer that question, it's only their job to ask you questions'
I think there are some job cuts that need to be made in job centers! stupid questioning man that is being paid with my taxes!!!!!
Sunday 2 October 2011
Wedding Prequel
While writing some thank you cards to bridesmaids I remembered a few funny little pre-wedding moments that weren't that funny at the time.
Photo by Daniel Charles Photography
One was the day before the day before where to reward ourselves for all our hard work icing the cake and buying flowers from at least 8 different shops we (me and my sisters) had what was meant to be a relaxing pampering night with face masks. We used the kind that you put on wait for 10 mins then peal off. Let me tell you if you genuinely believe that you have ripped off your eyebrow 2 days before you wedding that is not relaxing! you can watch that moment here:
Another non-relaxing moment was the incredibly stressful drive to southport in the least successful 3 car convoy ever. having a flat tyre and switching lanes constantly are not qualities of a good convoy leaded...you were provably best to loose me so early on Jo, in fact you got there before me without having ever driven in the northwest before so maybe you should lead next time.
On the morning of the wedding my hair and make-up person was an hour late which I have to say did not put me in the best of moods but luckily my lovely bridesmaid Rachel was there to offer two pieces of excellent advice.
1) 'Remember why your doing this.... it's about you and Dan making a promise to each other'
2) 'I'd be way more stressed out if this happen to me!'
Love you Rach.
Photo by Daniel Charles Photography
Sunday 25 September 2011
Wedding
Sorry for not blogging for so long, it's not coz I'm busy having an exciting life it's becuse we didn't have internet.
The most significant thing that's happened since I last blogged is I got married and got a morgage, so there's a lot of life changes, like we can now drill holes whenever we like, but first I will tell you about our lovely wedding.
I'm not really sure why people are nervous before weddings I wasn't at all. The most nerve racking situations I've been in we're driving tests and that time where I was graffiting the isreali palestinian wall and I could have got six months in prison. In conparison to those things getting married isn't scary all you have to do is walk in and not fall over, and then repeat things that someone else is saying. not.that.difficult. Even if you do mess up everyone has to be nice to you all day.
One kind of weird moment was we went to sign the register and I decided my dress wasn't done up properly and my sisters were called in to undo and redo all the lacing...I found out later that while we were all in a seperate room doing that, people were eating bananas.
Our cake depicted four significant stages of our lives in icing. I owe a lot of thanks to my perfectionist sisters who wouldn't let the children accross the road that come round for hugs, join in with making it. After we had cut the cake there wasn't much left to do except take a bit out of each other heads (the icing heads of course)
My favorite part of the wedding was the ceildh dancing. Near the end of the evening me and Dan were trying to learn this dance with everyone but as we weren't really listening to instructions we didn't really get it, so we left the main dance to form our own dancing corner. This totally ruined the whole dance because it was imposible for everyone to carry on being two people short...but we didn't care at all it was our wedding and if we want to ruin a dance for everyone we will!
There's a lot more I could say but you were probably there or at least saw the photos. It was the best day ever.
Wednesday 20 July 2011
Hen Night
I've got a backlog of blogs queueing up in my head, and 6:46 am 2 days before my wedding seems as good a time as any to write about my hen night which happened a few weeks ago. My head bridesmaid Bex organised it and did a flipping good job! she knows me too well.
This is me and Bex back in the day, LOVE that photo! we were born next door neighbours then when I was 6 they moved a few miles away, and then 6 months later we followed them to the same street. We started a new primary school together and pretended we were sisters. There was a few years when we were teenagers where bex had become 'cool' and I was still in that annoying 'boys are smelly' phase of life. But it's all good now and I'm learning like boys too, one particular boy especially.Bex came up with a totally awesome theme of where's wally, and we had a lot of fun doing silly things dressed as wallys. I love running after a stranger in a park that are wearing red and white stripy t-shirt and shouting 'WALLY!' until they turn around.
We had a girly sleepover and I had to answer questions that they had previously asked Dan, by guessing what he answered. I'm not sure why my mum was allowed to be in the room at the time, because she now knows one of Dan's most embarrassing moments. The time when I was telling mum infront of Dan about all the personally questions in the frontline marriage prep questionnaire. For some reason the first example question that came to my head was 'What's the worst thing about your future parents in law?' ...... to which mum asked Dan what he had written. Dan repleyed 'I haven't done that one yet.'
And everyone now knows about the strawberry yogurt thing.... sorry Dan.
Monday 27 June 2011
Lava Land
6 year olds have messed up brains...or adults do I'm not sure, but I might right a book called adults are from Neptune and six year olds are from Uranus.
This thought occurred to me during a conversation with several 6 year olds which went like this:
a 6 year old: Where do you live?
me: Liverpool
a six year old: ooooh I want to live in liverpool because they have purple bins there.
me: They do have purple bins there, but that's a funny reason to want to live somewhere.
(Then I explained why they have purple bins which is because liverpool fc is red and everton is blue and so the council decided on purple to make it fair.)
a six year old: So do you support everton or liverpool?
Me: neither really, I'm not really from liverpool.
a six year old: Where are you from?
Me: near Birmingham.
a six year old: where is that?
Me: in the center of England.
a six year old: wooooow!! you lived in lava in the center of the world?!
I remember thinking loads of weird stuff when I was that age, like:
-if you dreamed about someone, then they were having the same dream at the same time but from their perspective,
- if you dig far enough in the sand you can get to Australia.
-I thought that a bit of dirt I found in my belly button was my umbilical cord.
-I poured my lemoaid on the grass because I felt sorry for the grass that it always had to drink borring water.
-I also remember thinking when I was about 6 that by the time someone reaches 8 years old they are capable of being totally independent and they could run away and easily live without any help from anyone.
Sometimes I think kids are more intelligent though, like the time I asked a kid why he drew arms coming out of his head, and he just held out his arms and looked at them and I realised that from the perspective of yourself, your arms do come out your head because you can't really see shoulders. And I think it is far more sensible to draw yourself from your own perspective that someone else's.
This thought occurred to me during a conversation with several 6 year olds which went like this:
a 6 year old: Where do you live?
me: Liverpool
a six year old: ooooh I want to live in liverpool because they have purple bins there.
me: They do have purple bins there, but that's a funny reason to want to live somewhere.
(Then I explained why they have purple bins which is because liverpool fc is red and everton is blue and so the council decided on purple to make it fair.)
a six year old: So do you support everton or liverpool?
Me: neither really, I'm not really from liverpool.
a six year old: Where are you from?
Me: near Birmingham.
a six year old: where is that?
Me: in the center of England.
a six year old: wooooow!! you lived in lava in the center of the world?!
I remember thinking loads of weird stuff when I was that age, like:
-if you dreamed about someone, then they were having the same dream at the same time but from their perspective,
- if you dig far enough in the sand you can get to Australia.
-I thought that a bit of dirt I found in my belly button was my umbilical cord.
-I poured my lemoaid on the grass because I felt sorry for the grass that it always had to drink borring water.
-I also remember thinking when I was about 6 that by the time someone reaches 8 years old they are capable of being totally independent and they could run away and easily live without any help from anyone.
Sometimes I think kids are more intelligent though, like the time I asked a kid why he drew arms coming out of his head, and he just held out his arms and looked at them and I realised that from the perspective of yourself, your arms do come out your head because you can't really see shoulders. And I think it is far more sensible to draw yourself from your own perspective that someone else's.
Wednesday 22 June 2011
Who shall I bleed on?
I used to get nose bleeds a lot as a kid, and I really enjoyed it. I loved the attention, and the amount of disruption and mess you could cause in a school assembly without any pain at all. I especially enjoyed taking a big sniff, so a ball of flem and blood formed in my mouth and then dramatically spitting it out. I was an odd child...and now I'm an odd adult. Occasionally I had a nose bleed in a really annoying place like once when I was cycling and I had to wipe my nose on leaves. I don't hardly get them anymore, but last week I was driving to Manchester and I really thought I was about to get one.
I quickly went through all the possible things I could use to absorb blood in my head, I didn't have any tissues and I decided I wasn't wearing any clothes that I wanted to sacrifice to the cause. My options were really limited to maps. I discounted my Liverpool an Manchester A to Zs as they're important (although if I had to bleed on one it would of course be Manchester.) I concluded that the British atlas was the way to go but obviously there's some important bits you wouldn't want to bled on. I decided on Scotland as the place to do most of my bleeding as I've only been there once and it's not the kind of place that you just end up driving through by accident like wales. I wonder if it's racist to choose to bleed on one nation over another? Then I thought about where I would bleed in England and Wales to best preserve my map for future use, and I thought probably mid wales because there's nothing there, and Norwich. I did consider Milton kenes because it sounds boring but it's on the way to other places so I wouldn't want to mess it up.
The best way would be if I had statistics about gun crime and I could make a political map with more blood on cities with more gun crime. Maybe it could be "art" although it would probably mean bleeding on the most useful parts of the map. Anyway I never ended up having a nose bleed in the end, but at least I know what I'm doing if I do ever get a car nose bleed.
I guess I could be one of those women who carries tissues with her wherever she goes...but I don't think I'm really 'in that place' yet. I'm getting there slowly, I've got a plastic bag where I keep other plastic bags and I've nearly got a mortgage so a guess carrying tissues will be inevitable some day, but not just yet.
I quickly went through all the possible things I could use to absorb blood in my head, I didn't have any tissues and I decided I wasn't wearing any clothes that I wanted to sacrifice to the cause. My options were really limited to maps. I discounted my Liverpool an Manchester A to Zs as they're important (although if I had to bleed on one it would of course be Manchester.) I concluded that the British atlas was the way to go but obviously there's some important bits you wouldn't want to bled on. I decided on Scotland as the place to do most of my bleeding as I've only been there once and it's not the kind of place that you just end up driving through by accident like wales. I wonder if it's racist to choose to bleed on one nation over another? Then I thought about where I would bleed in England and Wales to best preserve my map for future use, and I thought probably mid wales because there's nothing there, and Norwich. I did consider Milton kenes because it sounds boring but it's on the way to other places so I wouldn't want to mess it up.
The best way would be if I had statistics about gun crime and I could make a political map with more blood on cities with more gun crime. Maybe it could be "art" although it would probably mean bleeding on the most useful parts of the map. Anyway I never ended up having a nose bleed in the end, but at least I know what I'm doing if I do ever get a car nose bleed.
I guess I could be one of those women who carries tissues with her wherever she goes...but I don't think I'm really 'in that place' yet. I'm getting there slowly, I've got a plastic bag where I keep other plastic bags and I've nearly got a mortgage so a guess carrying tissues will be inevitable some day, but not just yet.
Thursday 16 June 2011
My Vows Init
Welcome to the 100th blog post of Hannah Marshall. For this post I would like to document a recent text message conversation between me and my future husband. We sometimes enjoy a bit of comedy in our texting, we often speak in either over the top radio 4 language or we go ghetto. In this most recent conversation we came up with ghetto wedding vows:
'Yo bruv, howabouts we say our vows in dis totally wicked styleley? I think da vic and our hommies would proper respect dat, init'
'I Dan Jonesy, do proper promise to av a crack at dis marring lark and try to, like, keep havin a job but also fun wid ma main lady Da end, does da mean we can snog now?'
'The wibster proper respects Jonesy boy and I promise I ain't gonna dis his face, or his mum, or his mum's face. Infact I iz gonna big him up to our crew and in da club n everywhere coz he is ma man.'
'Word. Are we, like, married now or do I need to text dis to da vic?'
What do normal people do?
In other wedding related news I had a funny dream about our wedding night! It involved me cleaning the inside of Dan's belly button with a baby wipe which came out all green. What does this mean?!
'Yo bruv, howabouts we say our vows in dis totally wicked styleley? I think da vic and our hommies would proper respect dat, init'
'I Dan Jonesy, do proper promise to av a crack at dis marring lark and try to, like, keep havin a job but also fun wid ma main lady Da end, does da mean we can snog now?'
'The wibster proper respects Jonesy boy and I promise I ain't gonna dis his face, or his mum, or his mum's face. Infact I iz gonna big him up to our crew and in da club n everywhere coz he is ma man.'
'Word. Are we, like, married now or do I need to text dis to da vic?'
What do normal people do?
In other wedding related news I had a funny dream about our wedding night! It involved me cleaning the inside of Dan's belly button with a baby wipe which came out all green. What does this mean?!
Wednesday 8 June 2011
My Unoffical Dissertation
I have to write a 20,000 word dissertation for my MA, I had an idea for it but it was publicly rubbished as 'loaded with assumptions' and 'impossible to prove' so here is my unofficial MA dissertation:
'Dyslexics are actually secret geniuses at arty fun stuff'
Introduction
Get ready for my mind blowing research project it's going to rock your world.
Abstract
I know it's true dyslexics are secret geniuses and at arty stuff and I'm going to try and prove it.
Literature review
I didn't really read any books on this because I don't like reading but I did find a book called 'In the mind's eye- gifted people with dyslexia and other learning disabilities' This title suggests that someone else more qualified than me thinks something along the same lines as me, and if two people think something it is true. Fact. (Although if no one else thinks that it makes it not a fact)
Also there probably would be a million more books about this, but the only people who would write this kind of book are dyslexicsw and they don't like writing books.
Ethics
Nobody was killed in the making of this unofficial dissertation.
Research methods
I will collect data from my head, this stuff is made up from things I've overheard, conversations I've had and stuff I just know.
Analysis and findings
My hypothesis has been proved to be 100% true for the following reasons:
-I'm dyslexic and I'm arty.
-About half the people on my art degree course were dyslexic.
Conclusion and Recommendations
'Dyslexics are actually secret geniuses at arty fun stuff'
Introduction
Get ready for my mind blowing research project it's going to rock your world.
Abstract
I know it's true dyslexics are secret geniuses and at arty stuff and I'm going to try and prove it.
Literature review
I didn't really read any books on this because I don't like reading but I did find a book called 'In the mind's eye- gifted people with dyslexia and other learning disabilities' This title suggests that someone else more qualified than me thinks something along the same lines as me, and if two people think something it is true. Fact. (Although if no one else thinks that it makes it not a fact)
Also there probably would be a million more books about this, but the only people who would write this kind of book are dyslexicsw and they don't like writing books.
Ethics
Nobody was killed in the making of this unofficial dissertation.
Research methods
I will collect data from my head, this stuff is made up from things I've overheard, conversations I've had and stuff I just know.
Analysis and findings
My hypothesis has been proved to be 100% true for the following reasons:
-I'm dyslexic and I'm arty.
-About half the people on my art degree course were dyslexic.
-My friend Josh is dyslexic and he got a first in art at uni.
-I'm sure other people have made this link before me.Conclusion and Recommendations
-stop pestering dyslexic kids with spelling tests and buy them some proper good oil paints.
-get rid of grammar and dictionaries they destroy the soul.Bibliography
Heat magazine.
The back of a packet of coco pops.
My great auntie Dorothy's facebook status.
Comments written in a petrol station toilets.
Tuesday 24 May 2011
The Urban Cheese Awards
A work of fiction by Hannah Marshall. Dedicated to Grace Snow my number one blog fan and blog evangelist.
Everyone gathered around the fire in their hoodies chanting aggressively, two stocky men were starring each other out across the fire. One had a beard and a tattoo of his favorite cheese (edam) on his arm. This was extreme street fondue at it's most exhilarating! The eight mystery cheeses were grated into the giant fondue by an independent adjudicator. Who would be the ultimate extreme street fondue champion 2011?
Both contestants etched their initials into the side of a babybel which was tossed by the ref to decide who goes first. 'BB' Barry Bennet. 'Wooo' his supporters cheered as he steped up to the giant fondue pot that was sizzling over the fire. He got his infamous lucky spoon dipped it in and then dolloped a load in to his mouth. It tricked into his beard but Barry was concentrating to hard on the flavour to notice. 'Emmental' he shouted, there was compleat silence all eyes were on the ref, 'correct' he announced and the crowd roared. Ralph went next, 'wensleydale' 'correct' the crowd leaned in closer for Barry's turn, it continued 'Saint Agur' 'Roquefort' 'Ricotta' 'Double Gloucester'...it continued until there were only two cheeses left unidentified. Ralph took the spoon 'Brie?' he said hesitantly, 'incorrect' the ref said. 'Ooooh' growled the crowed.
The Ball was in Barry's court now four years of training could finally be paid off. Would he be crowned extreme street fondue champion? He had one guess left and there were two possible cheeses, Barry took another spoon fun and smelt it before shoveling it into his mouth. A silence fell upon the crowd, Barry licked his lips and braced himself for the moment he had been dreaming of for so long. 'Camembert' he shouted confidently. 'Correct!' yelled the ref, and everybody cheered. Barry punched the air several times while Ralph held back the tears. The crowd started stamping their feet and shouting 'cheese him! cheese him!' the ref lifted the giant fondue bowl away from the fire (as is the custom in all extreme street fondue finals) and poured the entire contence of the pot over Ralph's head. Barry chuckled to himself as he thought of his prize, a solid gold cheese grater, a solar powered cheese tostie machine and a life sized statue of himself made from a cheese of his choosing by the most incredible cheese sculptor.
The rowdy crowd shuffled away. The 'urban cheese paraphernalia of the year award' was soon to be announced. It was rumored to be another win for European champion Florence Twidle with her multi award winning cheese gun, which she invented when she accidental put a cheese string in a glue gun.
The End.
p.s I would like to thank www.cheese.com for their help with the cheese spellings in this story.
Everyone gathered around the fire in their hoodies chanting aggressively, two stocky men were starring each other out across the fire. One had a beard and a tattoo of his favorite cheese (edam) on his arm. This was extreme street fondue at it's most exhilarating! The eight mystery cheeses were grated into the giant fondue by an independent adjudicator. Who would be the ultimate extreme street fondue champion 2011?
Both contestants etched their initials into the side of a babybel which was tossed by the ref to decide who goes first. 'BB' Barry Bennet. 'Wooo' his supporters cheered as he steped up to the giant fondue pot that was sizzling over the fire. He got his infamous lucky spoon dipped it in and then dolloped a load in to his mouth. It tricked into his beard but Barry was concentrating to hard on the flavour to notice. 'Emmental' he shouted, there was compleat silence all eyes were on the ref, 'correct' he announced and the crowd roared. Ralph went next, 'wensleydale' 'correct' the crowd leaned in closer for Barry's turn, it continued 'Saint Agur' 'Roquefort' 'Ricotta' 'Double Gloucester'...it continued until there were only two cheeses left unidentified. Ralph took the spoon 'Brie?' he said hesitantly, 'incorrect' the ref said. 'Ooooh' growled the crowed.
The Ball was in Barry's court now four years of training could finally be paid off. Would he be crowned extreme street fondue champion? He had one guess left and there were two possible cheeses, Barry took another spoon fun and smelt it before shoveling it into his mouth. A silence fell upon the crowd, Barry licked his lips and braced himself for the moment he had been dreaming of for so long. 'Camembert' he shouted confidently. 'Correct!' yelled the ref, and everybody cheered. Barry punched the air several times while Ralph held back the tears. The crowd started stamping their feet and shouting 'cheese him! cheese him!' the ref lifted the giant fondue bowl away from the fire (as is the custom in all extreme street fondue finals) and poured the entire contence of the pot over Ralph's head. Barry chuckled to himself as he thought of his prize, a solid gold cheese grater, a solar powered cheese tostie machine and a life sized statue of himself made from a cheese of his choosing by the most incredible cheese sculptor.
The rowdy crowd shuffled away. The 'urban cheese paraphernalia of the year award' was soon to be announced. It was rumored to be another win for European champion Florence Twidle with her multi award winning cheese gun, which she invented when she accidental put a cheese string in a glue gun.
The End.
p.s I would like to thank www.cheese.com for their help with the cheese spellings in this story.
Wednesday 18 May 2011
The golden rule of teaching
If the golden rule of teaching is don't let children draw nazi swastikas on their art, I've broken it. Whoops. I was teaching about indian art at the time and showing a slideshow of pretty indian patterns one of which had the swastika in the background which I didn't notice until a child said 'isn't that a Nazi sign?' I explained that it was a Hindu sign before it was a Nazi Sign according to wikkipedia where all truth is found 'it is one of 108 symbols of the Hindu deity vishnu and represents the suns rays' Then they asked if they could do swastikas in their collage, and I thought in my head 'yeah lets bring it back for the Hindus' when I should have thought 'would the headmistress want to display this work in school' and so I said yes. I hoped that my 'yes' came accross as 'yes but it's fround upon' but I don't think it did. Oh well, sorry teachers, sorry parents sorry Jews.
On a more positive note I tried to start a little revolution in a school yesterday. I heard some kids complaining that they couldn't paint very well because their brushes we're too thick. This is one the things that annoys me most in life, when children are given rubbish materials and therefore create rubbish art and get fustrated. I overheard one year 3 girl say that they could write to the school council about it, so I encouraged them to do 2 peices of art one with a good thin brush and one with a thick brush and give it to the school council explaining their case. They got really excited and wanted everyone in the class to sign a letter about it. I'm well up for petitions and protests, (in secondary school I once got in a lot of trouble for my protest against our lesbian PE teacher and the lack of shower curtains.) They didn't have a really thin good brush so I gave them my best one for the cause.
On a more positive note I tried to start a little revolution in a school yesterday. I heard some kids complaining that they couldn't paint very well because their brushes we're too thick. This is one the things that annoys me most in life, when children are given rubbish materials and therefore create rubbish art and get fustrated. I overheard one year 3 girl say that they could write to the school council about it, so I encouraged them to do 2 peices of art one with a good thin brush and one with a thick brush and give it to the school council explaining their case. They got really excited and wanted everyone in the class to sign a letter about it. I'm well up for petitions and protests, (in secondary school I once got in a lot of trouble for my protest against our lesbian PE teacher and the lack of shower curtains.) They didn't have a really thin good brush so I gave them my best one for the cause.
Friday 15 April 2011
Wedding Planning
This week I have been doing wedding planning, the fun but unimportant type like buying fabric to make bunting and investing in my 3 to 1 ratio long term underwear strategy, which I guess isn't long term any more. I also collected the blue bit of paper that means I can legally get married. We're not doing that thing where they read your bands of marriage in a church 3 times because we're getting married in a Methodist church and they do things differently from my family church. so we both have to register that we want to get married and then they put up a notice in this building and if anyone has got any objections they write on the notice and then you can't get married. I thought going a writing funny reasons on other peoples marriage notices would be a fun day out but apparently they have to be proper good reasons though you can't just put 'coz they both like the same sweets in a box of roses and this could cause arguments' or whatever. In fact they actually put the notices on a notice board behind glass so it's not really accessible for people with objections. Also we didn't inform anyone that it was going to be up that week so how are people with objections ment to know? I personally think a more up to date and logical way of doing it would be to make engaged couples write who they intend to marry as their facebook status, and if you've got an objection leave a comment. People kind of do that anyway. There's really know need for registry offices anymore, I bet mos people announce the birth of their child on facebook before filling in the birth certificate. I quite enjoyed going, I liked looking at the people waiting and decided whether they were regetering a birth, marrage or death. There were 2 old guys who looked like they were just waiting to die and then register the fact they'd just died. I liked reading about other people marriage notices and guessing whose would last longest based on their jobs and their age differences. I quite enjoyed being interigated although I couldn't remember my father's job, something about trains and palestine...but he's definatly not a palestinian train driver. When they asked if we were related I should have answered 'no' but instead I answered 'I don't think so but I don't know for certain' to which she answered 'first cousins is alright' eww. I thought they should do a DNA test just so we could know for absolute certain, because no one can atually remember who gave birth to them. Anyways if you've got any objections next chance is at the alter.
Tuesday 12 April 2011
Emo Oil
You know emo's? have you ever wondered where they get all that grease that makes their hair so greasy? I found the answer whilst driving on the M602.
Friday 25 March 2011
smoke on earth- smoke in hell!
inspired by my non smoking campaign eagle, I have come up with my own anti-smoking campaign which I feel should be made into the warnings on fag packets. This was a re-invention of a campaign I did years ago to help my friend Rachel stop smoking....most of the posters got lost (she probably used them as rizzlers) but a few remain and I have made some new more topical up to date ones such as: 'every time you smoke inside you devalue your house by £4000 that's what caused the recession'
Wednesday 23 March 2011
Eagle
I haven't blogged in a very long time, this is because I've been doing things in real life, but now those things are over I have free time to inform the Internet of such things.
The thing that has taken up most time recently was making an Eagle and then covering it in cigarette packets- why was one making an eagle? I you you cry....well according to a online quote supposedly from me:
"The eagle sculpture is a visual way of celebrating the successes of all those who have already stopped smoking, and will hopefully inspire other to do the same."
That's not what I actually said, if they had bothed to ask why I was making it I would have said.....
" Well my mate Pheobe sent me a facebook message saying she was looking for a artist to make an Eagle sculpture for Non-smoking day the artist would get to be a little bit famous, and there was a big budget for it as everyone knows the NHS have more money than they know what to do with. Then she said lots of stuff about resin and polystyrene which are not things I know what to do with, so then I chatted on to her about willow and wire and metal mesh which are materials I get, and kind of pretended I knew exactly how to make an eagle and she let me do the project."
or if I was to give a shorter answer as to why I made it I'd probably go for "fame and money"
So I made the structure and then on non-smoking day we went to the most run down shopping center I've ever seen and asked people to stick their cigarette packets to it. We were meant to go in a van but ended up going in a Nissan micra. The only way me pheobe the eagle and the plinth could fit was if I went inside the plinth. which is what I did. I was retelling this tale through the medium of text message to Dan and he said 'what makes me think you didn't have to go in the plinth but volunteered to?' (yep we could have gone in 2 cars and yeah he knows me too well.)
In the shopping center we found that even if people wanted to quite smoking they didn't want to give us their cigarette packets, which meant that I had to take the eagle back home to finish it off. As a non smoker with very few smoker friends this was pretty annoying because it meant I had to trail the streets looking for empty cigarette packets- an activity that I enjoy less than most things but more than doing a tax return. It's pretty grim when people give you odd looks for picking up soggy fag packets, but on the plus side several people have commented about how my area is one of the best areas for finding rubbish on the streets. I even found 5 unsmoked cigarettes which I briefly considered smoking before concluding that 25 is too old for and experimental first smoke and it would be too ironic if 20 years from now I'm a chain smoker all because of non-smoking day.
The thing that has taken up most time recently was making an Eagle and then covering it in cigarette packets- why was one making an eagle? I you you cry....well according to a online quote supposedly from me:
"The eagle sculpture is a visual way of celebrating the successes of all those who have already stopped smoking, and will hopefully inspire other to do the same."
That's not what I actually said, if they had bothed to ask why I was making it I would have said.....
" Well my mate Pheobe sent me a facebook message saying she was looking for a artist to make an Eagle sculpture for Non-smoking day the artist would get to be a little bit famous, and there was a big budget for it as everyone knows the NHS have more money than they know what to do with. Then she said lots of stuff about resin and polystyrene which are not things I know what to do with, so then I chatted on to her about willow and wire and metal mesh which are materials I get, and kind of pretended I knew exactly how to make an eagle and she let me do the project."
or if I was to give a shorter answer as to why I made it I'd probably go for "fame and money"
So I made the structure and then on non-smoking day we went to the most run down shopping center I've ever seen and asked people to stick their cigarette packets to it. We were meant to go in a van but ended up going in a Nissan micra. The only way me pheobe the eagle and the plinth could fit was if I went inside the plinth. which is what I did. I was retelling this tale through the medium of text message to Dan and he said 'what makes me think you didn't have to go in the plinth but volunteered to?' (yep we could have gone in 2 cars and yeah he knows me too well.)
In the shopping center we found that even if people wanted to quite smoking they didn't want to give us their cigarette packets, which meant that I had to take the eagle back home to finish it off. As a non smoker with very few smoker friends this was pretty annoying because it meant I had to trail the streets looking for empty cigarette packets- an activity that I enjoy less than most things but more than doing a tax return. It's pretty grim when people give you odd looks for picking up soggy fag packets, but on the plus side several people have commented about how my area is one of the best areas for finding rubbish on the streets. I even found 5 unsmoked cigarettes which I briefly considered smoking before concluding that 25 is too old for and experimental first smoke and it would be too ironic if 20 years from now I'm a chain smoker all because of non-smoking day.
Monday 7 February 2011
My Sexy Notice Board
Just like someone once 'sexed up' a Dossier about Iraq I haved just sexed-up my notice board. Hopefully it won't lead to any suisides or wars though.
I challenge anyone to have a sexier notice board than mine. It's important to have an attractive looking to-do list so that doing borring things seems more atractive, (although I think I did this to pospone doing other things.) The only way I could improve on it is by having a life sized Dan made from cork for my lip shaped post-it notes to go on. He might find it a bit weird though, and also if it was too realistic I might get cork Dan and real Dan confused and start sticking post-it notes on the real Dan.
.
I challenge anyone to have a sexier notice board than mine. It's important to have an attractive looking to-do list so that doing borring things seems more atractive, (although I think I did this to pospone doing other things.) The only way I could improve on it is by having a life sized Dan made from cork for my lip shaped post-it notes to go on. He might find it a bit weird though, and also if it was too realistic I might get cork Dan and real Dan confused and start sticking post-it notes on the real Dan.
.
Monday 31 January 2011
Families Collide!
Dan has had the event 'Families Collide!' in his phone calender for a couple of weeks, but now they have collided I thought I would tell you about the collision:
Although I have met Dan's family lots of times and he has met mine quite a few times, the families have never met each other or really even bothered to learn eachothers names, but as we're officially engaged and they will most likely be sharing a grandchild sometime in the next decade, we though it was about time they met.
We met in Southport where Dan's family live which by a weird coincidence is also where my mum grew up which meant we had to go a visit "auntie" Chris who is a fake auntie of my mum's that we only see at funerals...but because no one has died for a while we haven't seen her. I don't have grandparents so I've forgotten that old people exist, and this trip was a little reminder of what old people are like, which can be ok in moderation. So I remembered that old people have tea cups with saucers, and extra flowery wall paper and they have a trolley that helps them bring in the tea, and they have a very good selection of cakes and biscuits including Christmas cake...which was presumably still around because of their lack of interaction with the outside world. Bless...I hope they don't read Internet blogs in their spare time.
After our educational trip to "auntie" Chris' we carried on with the journey to Dan's house. I had given my family a few handy survival tips for example 'Dan's Dad can only make really milky tea, if you don't like milky tea don't ask for tea' but my Dad seemed to take this tip and turn it into a challenge. We all met and introduced ourselves and Dan's family showed my family round the church next door where we're getting married and then it was time for a cup of tea. 'Can I have tea with just a little bit of milk?' said my Dad, as I gave him evils. 'That might be difficult for me' said Dan's Dad in a jokey way.
What do you think is the correct response to this?
a) a polite smile
b) to say 'I know!'
and what do you think my Dad did? durrr. The tea was brought in on a tray with milk in a jug so we could pour our own.
Apart from that it went well. I was particularly pleased when the story of our gerbils tragic electrocution came out that the full ending of the story was not as detailed as it could be. All the way though I was wondering if the coffin made from a tampon box would come up, luckily it didn't. Phew.
Although I have met Dan's family lots of times and he has met mine quite a few times, the families have never met each other or really even bothered to learn eachothers names, but as we're officially engaged and they will most likely be sharing a grandchild sometime in the next decade, we though it was about time they met.
We met in Southport where Dan's family live which by a weird coincidence is also where my mum grew up which meant we had to go a visit "auntie" Chris who is a fake auntie of my mum's that we only see at funerals...but because no one has died for a while we haven't seen her. I don't have grandparents so I've forgotten that old people exist, and this trip was a little reminder of what old people are like, which can be ok in moderation. So I remembered that old people have tea cups with saucers, and extra flowery wall paper and they have a trolley that helps them bring in the tea, and they have a very good selection of cakes and biscuits including Christmas cake...which was presumably still around because of their lack of interaction with the outside world. Bless...I hope they don't read Internet blogs in their spare time.
After our educational trip to "auntie" Chris' we carried on with the journey to Dan's house. I had given my family a few handy survival tips for example 'Dan's Dad can only make really milky tea, if you don't like milky tea don't ask for tea' but my Dad seemed to take this tip and turn it into a challenge. We all met and introduced ourselves and Dan's family showed my family round the church next door where we're getting married and then it was time for a cup of tea. 'Can I have tea with just a little bit of milk?' said my Dad, as I gave him evils. 'That might be difficult for me' said Dan's Dad in a jokey way.
What do you think is the correct response to this?
a) a polite smile
b) to say 'I know!'
and what do you think my Dad did? durrr. The tea was brought in on a tray with milk in a jug so we could pour our own.
Apart from that it went well. I was particularly pleased when the story of our gerbils tragic electrocution came out that the full ending of the story was not as detailed as it could be. All the way though I was wondering if the coffin made from a tampon box would come up, luckily it didn't. Phew.
Tuesday 18 January 2011
My Long Term Underwear Strategy
I can't believe I've had my long term underwear strategy in place for around 6 years and never blogged about it. As my my long term underwear strategy has recently become my medium term underwear strategy I though it was worth a mention.
So the 6 years ago version me was similar to me now but I hadn't met Dan, I didn't have a blog, I'd only just got an email address (not because the technology wasn't there I was just was quite stubborn/lazy about learning new things) I was also quite angry about the middle east and was a bit less girly than I am now. Just setting the scene.
Anyway I've always been quite business minded and I think if I was a bit more money motivated I could be a good business person but the problem is I view fun as my currency for life and therefore I would only be interested in making more money if it resulted in me having more fun, and on balance I don't think it would. Most successful business people spend the Marjory of their lives wearing grey and and working in greyish rooms and I just can't take that lack of colour. So I use my strategic business knowledge in my everyday life decisions such as underwear purchasing.
My long term life goal (underwear wise) is to be able to wear matching underwear everyday when I'm married.
If you are a woman you have probably already spotted the potential difficulties arising here which is: you change your knickers everyday but you only change your bra every couple of days.
There are several ways round this problem you could choose to wash your bra everyday, you could choose to only wash your knickers every few days (but that's gross) you could buy all your underwear the same or you could do what I have done and implement a 3 to 1 ratio of knickers to bras. This means that instead of just buying underwear randomly I would buy it less often but I would always buy 3 pairs of knickers and one bra at any time I needed underwear.
This worked ok for a couple of years and I began to build up a good collection but then there was a few months when I lost my focus and was lured buy those nice topshop 3 really pretty knickers for £9 but they don't match any thing offers. So I got a bit lax but now that I will be married in 6 months it is time to reintroduce the magic 3 to 1 ratio and make my long term underwear strategy into a medium term one.
A special thank you to Helen and Rachel who have supported me in my dream from the very begining and have even invested a £20 la senza voucher to the cause. xx
So the 6 years ago version me was similar to me now but I hadn't met Dan, I didn't have a blog, I'd only just got an email address (not because the technology wasn't there I was just was quite stubborn/lazy about learning new things) I was also quite angry about the middle east and was a bit less girly than I am now. Just setting the scene.
Anyway I've always been quite business minded and I think if I was a bit more money motivated I could be a good business person but the problem is I view fun as my currency for life and therefore I would only be interested in making more money if it resulted in me having more fun, and on balance I don't think it would. Most successful business people spend the Marjory of their lives wearing grey and and working in greyish rooms and I just can't take that lack of colour. So I use my strategic business knowledge in my everyday life decisions such as underwear purchasing.
My long term life goal (underwear wise) is to be able to wear matching underwear everyday when I'm married.
If you are a woman you have probably already spotted the potential difficulties arising here which is: you change your knickers everyday but you only change your bra every couple of days.
There are several ways round this problem you could choose to wash your bra everyday, you could choose to only wash your knickers every few days (but that's gross) you could buy all your underwear the same or you could do what I have done and implement a 3 to 1 ratio of knickers to bras. This means that instead of just buying underwear randomly I would buy it less often but I would always buy 3 pairs of knickers and one bra at any time I needed underwear.
This worked ok for a couple of years and I began to build up a good collection but then there was a few months when I lost my focus and was lured buy those nice topshop 3 really pretty knickers for £9 but they don't match any thing offers. So I got a bit lax but now that I will be married in 6 months it is time to reintroduce the magic 3 to 1 ratio and make my long term underwear strategy into a medium term one.
A special thank you to Helen and Rachel who have supported me in my dream from the very begining and have even invested a £20 la senza voucher to the cause. xx
Saturday 1 January 2011
Negotiations
After becoming engaged to Dan, we have started the nitty gritty negotiations of our future life together. The main things were discussed before engagement, we both want children we both would like to live abroad, neither of us want to eat mushrooms ect ect. But now the really negotiations have began...the stuff we don't agree so clearly on like I like semi-skimmed milk and he like full cream....we tossed a coin- I won which means we will have a life of semi-skimmed. Although now I feel a bit mean now maybe we could do a re-toss in 10 years time. We also negotiated that he would clean up all our future children's sick, in return he wanted me to clear up all poo but I think that's a bit unfair because poo happens more often than sick so we settled on me being in charge of plasters...I got off lightly I feel.
In other Han and Dan news, today he became my employee we dressed up like members of CSI and built an elephant.
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