3 twelths to Pink Cornflakes

I've invented a new way of telling the time, and before you laugh, I bet whoever thought of telling the time in 24 hours was laughed at when they first came up with the idea.


so hours just go in rainbow colours:

1 O'clock = Red O'clock
2 O'clock = Orange O'clock
3 O'clock = Yellow O'clock
4 O'clock = Green O'clock
5 O'clock = Blue O'clock
6 O'clock = Purple O'clock

Then from 7 O'clock to 12 O'clock you have to think of the same rainbow clours and visualise them being mixed with white paint and that becomes the colour e.g

7 O'clock = Pink O'clock
8 O'clock = Peach O'clock
9 O'clock = Cream O'clock
10 O'clock = Mint Green O'clock
11 O'clock = Baby Blue O'clock
12 O'clock = Lilac O'clock

-Then for telling the minutes you alway say how long to the next hour, never how long past the hour.

-Time is always said in fractions it's never 10 to an hour it's always 1 sixth to the hour.

-The fractions that are banned are half and quarters they are banned because they aren't very original.

-This leaves Twelths, sixths, and thirds.

so 5 past = 11 twelths to
10 past = 5 sixths to
quarter past=9 twelths to
twenty past = 2 thirds to

Therefore:
9:45 = 3 twelths to mint green O'clock
4:10= 5 sixths to blue O'clock
7:30 = 6 twelths to peach O'clock
1:40= a third to orange O'clock

Then if you want to be able to know wheather it's 2pm or 2am you add a food to the end of your time. The problem I find with am and pm is that I think 2am is really the evening and 2pm is really the morning, so I feel the need for three different endings to depict the time of day. I have chosen the endings cornflakes to represent morning, sandwidge to reprosent afternoon, and pizza to reprosent evening/night time. so If you haven't learned the official times off by heart which of course you should, you can just guess at whats the most likely thing that you would be eating at that time, but here are the offcial times. I've taken off the unessiasry O'clocks and added the AM/PM substitutes

1am-Red Pizza
2am-Orange Pizza
3am-Yellow Pizza
4am-Green Pizza

5am-Blue Cornflakes
6am-Purple Cornflakes
7am-Pink Cornflakes
8am-Peach Cornflakes
9am-Cream Cornflakes
10am-Mint Green Cornflakes
11am-Baby Blue Cornflakes

12 noon-Lilac Sandwidges
1pm-Red Sandwidges
2pm-Orange Sandwidges
3pm-yellow Sandwidges
4pm-Green Sandwidges

5pm-Blue Pizza
6pm-Purple Pizza
7pm-Pink Pizza
8pm-Peach Pizza
9pm- Cream Pizza
10pm-Mint Green Pizza
11pm-Baby Blue Pizza
Midnight-Lilac Pizza

So you should now be able to work out any time with my new and more creative way of telling the time. Here are some examples:

3.20pm= 2 thirds to Green Sandwidge
10:10pm= 5 sixths to Baby Blue Pizza
6:45am=3 twelths to Pink Cornflakes

Next time someone asks you for the time, answer them with this new way of telling the time but give them no explanation and maybe people will start working it out and it could catch on. Try it I dare you.

Inflatable Christmas Tree Fun

I celebrated Christmas on wednesday, which was attually St Patric's day (the patron saint of Gunniess) For a over a year and a half I've been working with teenages that have been expelled from school. My job is to teach art, but the catch is I only have a box of broken crayons and half a rubber, and some poster paints, but no paint pallets and know folders to keep work safe so quite often the student put their work in the bin at the end of the lesson. I do occasionlly get other more intresting stuff but it gets used up really quick.

Last week was a good week though, and I finally won my campain for good art stuff, so for the first time ever we have really deccent acrilic paints and oil pastels and charcoal and canvases, which makes teaching art so much more fun. I wanted the student to take ownership over their new stuff and really look after it and value it. So I decided on having pretend christmas. This involed me cycling 8 miles through liverpool with and inflatable christmas tree on one handle bar, and tubes of acric paint wraped in wraping paper on the other (well technically is wasn't wraping paper it was free wall paper samples but whatever) I also had tinsel and a santa outfit in my bag.

So instead of my class walking into their normal class room they walked into a kind of low budget santa's grotto, but they loved it. They ripped open the presents in about 30 seconds, and I did acheive my aim of getting them to take ownership, but they took that a bit to far. After they'd opened the presents I said 'ok lets get the desks out and put all the art stuff in the middle' but things I tell them to do are not often top of their list of priorities. As far as they were concerened they had just been given a gift and they wern't ever going to give it back or share it. The tubes of paint were already in their bags. One girl had 20 pencils that she was going to keep all to herself, one girl had unwraped 2 canvases and wasn't prepaired to give away one of them. The only thing they were willing to share out were the document wallets, I guess you can't get a lot of weed in return for 20 document wallets.

Lie detecting pants of doom!

I have a new idea that I hope would reform the justice system. I'm not sure why we don't use lie detectors in court, surely that would save a lot of money as there would be no need for any of the court staff we currently have. I went on jury service last year and the whole thing seemed a big waste of money. Are silly wigs really nessisary? So more use of the lie detector was the basic idea but then I took that one step further to invent the 'Lie detecting pants of doom' which would be pants that the defendant would have to where and if they lied the clever lie detecting pants would set on fire. just a little painful spark for a small crime, but proper flames for more serious offences. I think it would significantly reduce the amount of people who lie in court.

The job of the jury would be a lot easier, they wouldn't have to make any decisions, all they would have to do is shout 'liar liar pant on fire!' and I personally think people would do jury service voluntarily if they got to see criminals with their pants on fire. so this would save even more public money. I think if I put this idea forward to the government they would eventually accept it. Some weirdo in the oldern days got them to wear silly wigs and they still do that now, surely my idea is more sensible than that.

What does a lesbian look like?

I was in the library yesterday. (shocking I know.) My section of the library is the youth work section but next to my bit are all the books about, relationships and sex and lesbians, and in that section I noticed a book 'What does a lesbian look like?' and although I'm not genrally a fan of books, but this is a book that might have lots of pictures in, so a had a quick flick through, but it was all words! what a stupid book.

I wonder what course you have to do to read that book, and what job you would get after doing that course. can you put 'I know what a lesbian looks like' on your c.v? It's as stupid as a book called 'what does a fart sound like?' or a piece of music called 'what does rubarb taste like?' If I wanted to publish a book called 'what does a lesbian look like?' (which by the way I don't) but if I did I would just google lesbians and then print out the first 20 images.

I was telling this story on the bus and Helen was begging me not to be so loud, so I tryed to wisper the title of the book. There was this man sitting next to me that aparently leaned in so he could try and hear what the title of the book I found so hilarious was.