The National Trust Sucks

Yesterday Dan and I decided to go for a bike ride because it was a nice day and it's good to make the best of the rare moments when we both have bikes that work. I suggested going to Speke Hall  because it's one of those places that is relatively near but I have never been to. Speke Hall is one of those big old houses from the olden days that old people like to talk about, it's owned by the national trust, that organisation that has prevented school children from fun for decades and decades. I'm not sure why but going to places like this even out of my own free will always brings out my rebellious side. I wasn't bothered about going in the house bit I just wanted to sit around in the gardens for a bit as a break before cycling back home again. However you have to pay a lot to get in, it was going to be £20 for the two of us. But I got us a big discount with my cheekyness. Here's how:

Me: hello which bits can you get in for free?

National Trust Man: The cafe and the shop.

Me: Well that's no good. Ok how much is it to get into just the gardens?

National Trust Man: £20

Me: Is it true that if you live in poor postcodes you can get in for free? Coz I live in L15 and we've had 3 crimes happen to us this year.

National Trust Man: It's not deprived areas that get in free it's areas near here.

Me: oh, we've only got a fiver.

Dan: and card.

National Trust Man: Look I'll let you in for £7 for both of you.

Me: oh ok.


So we went in and looked round the big old house from the olden days. They had a music making device from back in the day which was basically like one of those things that you turn inside a music box but on a really big scale with a massive handle. Ironically it didn't work and there was an old woman standing next to it who's job it was to press play on a tape recorder from the 90's so you could here a cassette tape recording of what it used to sound like. We looked round a load of bedrooms from the 1500's and I couldn't help making sarcastic comments about how I would plaster whole sections, and get some ikea storage in there. In one of the rooms that was described as a gentleman's room there was a huge tapestry of a river and trees and some people. I didn't think it would be the kind of thing a guy would have in his bedroom nowadays, and I wondered if there was a market for slightly racy tapestries that would appeal to young guys.

The grounds outside were beautiful but I couldn't help thinking that I'd put a massive lawn to much better use with big trampolines, a zip line, a pony and maybe a hot tub maze that you could swim round. I asked Dan what he would do with the lawn and he said he's mow a huge penis into it. We then discussed how a penis would be a perfect shape for a swimming pool because you could have two nice Jacuzzi bit's at one end and a long thin bit to swim lengths in.

Today we randomly ended up going to the slavery museum with Alex and we learnt there that the man who owned Speke Hall also owned 200 slaves and so the whole thing was basically built on slavery. It's a good job I din't really know that yesterday or I probably would have brought it up with the National Trust ticket man and got us kicked out.

Basically my message is if you enjoy a nice day out in Speke Hall you're supporting slavery, and if you are a National Trust member you are almost certainly going to hell. Night Night x