Miss Marshall the Christmas Decoration

This week I taught a lesson where the class had to invent a new product and make a poster to advertise it. There were a lot of funny ones but this was by far my favorite if you can't read it it says:

'With the Miss Marshall Christmas decoration your home will never be dull on Christmas, she will brighten up your mood and melt out the sadness in you. Act now and get a free Miss Marshall doll. Miss Marshall Christmas decoration costs £1.50. Song: she is Miss Marshall the snow girl and she loves to play.'

How cool is that?! I know it's a bit big headed, but I'd buy one, in fact I might buy a few dozen and decorate my tree entirely in me dolls.

I love working in primary schools, it's kind of like being a celebrity, you walk into a room and all the kids are like 'Miss Marshall's here hoary.' I don't think that is just because they love me, I think it's got a lot to do with the fact I bring paint and glue guns and bags of sparkly bits with me wherever I go. Children are like magpies when you get out shinny things.

But I do love it, some kids made me a christmas card this week, and because it was my last week in that school they were really sad. I like it when they say they enjoyed the lesson or they tryed something I taught them at home, but there's a couple of girls that take it a bit too far and say that I'm pretty or I smell nice, all nice things but a little weird coming from a random 10 year old. It does make a change from my old job where I got two bikes vandalised by students I taught, and death threats, and one student was overheard plotting to 'bang me' (which by the way means beat me up, not get it on with.) I love this new freedom of going into work with a spot, and knowing that it probably won't be pointed out.

My Family

I have recently decided to diss-own my sister Sarah. But before doing that I thought I owe her a little explanation. If you don't know me because you're just a weird internet stalker, I'm going to tell you about my family maybe you can stalk them too. I have two little sister's that are attually bigger than me, Sarah (age 16) and Jo (age 21) and then I have the regular relatives that most people have ie parents. In my extended family (which I accedentally called my 'pretend family' the other day) I have 3 aunties and 2.5 uncals, 66.66 reacuring % of my aunties are auntie Jills/Gills and 33.33reacuring % of my aunties are non Jills/Gills, don't worry I won't put a maths question at the end of this. I have no grandparents, but Dan has 4 so he said I could borrow at least 1 of his- I think I'll probabley go for the accordian playing french grandad. I have 6 cousins, 2 of the long lost variety and 4 of the regular kind. 50% of the non-long lost kind live in a very different culture to most people I know, they are very 'londonny' and by this I mean:

They are not in constant awe of technology everytime they ride the tube.
They think £4 in an acceptable price for a sandwidge.
They have never seen a real life tree.

But back to my sister...I'm pretty much the reson she's alive in the first place, when I was 7 or 8 I kept asking for a dog and then I changed tac and started asking for a baby sister. and when she was between the ages of newborn and 2 I was a very lovely big sister:


Awww. but you can't really blame me for not spending a load of time with her after that, I asked for a baby sister, not an atual person who can argue back. Over the years since I left home I felt that we have bonded over our shared intrest in art. I've always fancied being that nice carring supportive big sister role where she would look up to me and appreciate my artistic acheivements, and go to see exhabitions with me ect. My other sister Jo was never going to forfill this role...she's studing medcine now-how will that ever help society?! So Sarah is doing art GCSE and she always shows me her sketch books and stuff, she a far more talented at art than I was at her age. But last time I went home she droped a bombshell on me....her A level choices - French, Biology, Psychology and Maths. MATHS MATHS! why oh why would you do MATHS! and to add insult to indury she's even considering doing further maths! Her art teacher attually said to her that 'she'd broken her heart' I personally think that this teacher needs to get out more. I'm not attually heart broken I just need to find a new aprentice now that I'm the only member of my family that hasn't done maths for A level.

I'm thinking of getting one of my cousins I'll probably go for the youngest one Joshusa who is about 6 the younger they are the more impressionalable they are. So in 20 years time if your watching the tunner prize- look out for him.

Comedy Kisses

An incident on sunday which I shall not disscuss here inspired me to write this blog.


I think kissing is a weird concept, I mean it's normal because we're all used to a world in which kissing exsists, but if you were from a plannet where you never kissed, then I think it might be one of the things you struggle with culturally. Like clapping, I think it's odd when large groups of people bang their hands together to show they like something, and drinking cow's milk- it's clearly designed for baby cows, it kind of should be weirder for an adult to drink a cow's milk than for an adult to drink human milk, but for some reason it's not.

I know everyone is nervous on their first kiss, but think how nervous the people doing the first ever kiss would be, I mean like Adam and Eve or whoever, I wonder if they tryed lots of other things like tickeling eachother's elbows before they invented kissing.

This is the stages of my discovery of kissing (and by kissing I mean snogging):

1) Thinking that 'french kissing' was when you kiss eachother on both cheeks as a greeting, like the french.

2) saying infront of my parents friends at a party, that I was going to 'french kiss' my Dad ie give him a kiss on both cheeks.

3)being told what french kissing attually is and why I shouldn't use that term.

4) Thinking that only french people do this horrific kind of kiss that involves more than a peck on the cheek.

5) Realising that it's not only the french that kiss like that.

6) making a £100 bet with my dad that I wouldn't snog a boy before I was 17.

7) loosing the bet.

I have at least three more comedy kissing stories but I think they're not for the internet, ask me in real life and I'll tell you....attually one of them I can share:

I had just bought a brand new coat and I went round to meet up with a load of friends at Will and Lukes old house. I was unaware of how much static electricity had built up in me from my new super static coat. Dan opened the door and welcomed me, leaning in for a kiss (and this time I do mean kiss not snog), before our lips even touched a spark like a mini lightning bolt shot between us. I attually saw the flash, and it was so painful and I made such an odd noise that everyone came out to see what happend. Dan tryed to comfort me, he made sure I was properly grouded and leaned in for a comforting are you ok kind of kiss, but I was too freaked out and scared of it happening again that I didn't go near him. I calmed down, grounded my self again touched his hand first and then tryed to kiss him again but I could only go to a couple of cm away from him and then I kept getting freeked out and laughing, this happed about 10 times before I attually managed to give him a normal kiss. I think there's a phrase when two people like eachother that there's 'a spark between them' but if you really think about it, I don't think that's a good thing.

My Guide To Eygpt

As you may know I have recently made my blog public....it was always sort of public but you had to know the web address and I never said my real name on it. I kept it a bit secret because I kept thinking I might write something serious one day, and I didn't really want random people who hated me in primary school to read it. Not that I think random people who hated me in primary school have meetings together where they sit around googling me, but you never know. Now I've realised that all I write on this is silly stories from my life and I don't really care who reads it so, I have linked to facebook and therefore the world, so if you are a random person who hated me in primary school Hello! welcome to my blog : )

I would like to write this post to Dr Laura Mcgregor she isn't someone who hated me in primary school and it's always nice to know people who are in that category. She is currently trying to find out about nice 5* resorts with Jacuzzis and spars in sham-al-sheik so she can enjoy some winter sun. I went near there in 2005 and it was one of the best places I've been to so I thought I'd share some tips with her to try and persuade her to travel Hannah style.

1) start your journey in Palestine.

2) find two German traveling companions.

3) Plan to see the pyramids.

4) cross the boarded to Israel and get the bus to the southern most part.

5) Exit Israel and then have an argument with the Egyption boarder guards about visas, discover you can't get to Cairo without a visa cross back into Israel picking up some bad stamps in your passport that will forever cause you problems when traveling.

6) Spend the night sleeping on the beach coz Israel is expensive.

7) go the the visa place only to discover it's closed.

8) cross back into Egypt and go to the only place you can without a visa- the red sea.

9) find accommodation, and use your bargaining in Arabic skills to get it for £3 a night for a room or £1.50 if you take your mattress on the roof.

10) go to a restaurant where you sit on the beach between palm trees and smoke apple flavored tobacco.

11) have a day of camel trekking along the red sea, snorkeling, and tea with some Bedouins for £10. Even though a camel was sick on my friend and I got really sun burnt (it was august and I didn't wear sun tan lotion) it was still one of the top 5 days of my life ever!

12) cross the boarder back to Israel getting in to an argument with the boarder guards on the way and getting even more bad stuff written in your passport.

13) decide not to pay £7 for the bus, decide instead to hitch-hike back.

14) wait 4 hours in the desert for a lorry to pick you up and then drop you off in a random place (by that time it was night time).

15) come up with a better hitch-hiking strategy where I stand by the road and do my' poor little girl lost in the desert' face and the other two hide and then run out when a car stops.

16) Try to avoid talking about how much we love the Palestinians and volunteering in Palestine with the Jew who was kind enough to pick us up.

I think you should try all this Laura....all that 5* stuff is boring in comparison.

Essays Suck

I've never wanted to write an essay less than the one I'm suposedly writing today. I've become one of those people who has to reward themself with a biscuit every 100 words or so. I've also got the heating turned up and I'm wearing an ugly but warm and furry hoody I bought for a quid, just for extra compfort through the anguish of essay writing. Even a cancer victim whose just split up with their boyfriend wouldn't indulge themself with as many compforts as I am.

I was thinking of quitting the course last year as I could still leave with a qualification, but the lure of a free laptop, having my course fees paid for and still being able to cheekly use my student discount even though I work almost full time was too much for me. Oh well hopefully in a year I will have an M.A .........even though I will be fat-I can't remeber how long my dissertation is but I think it's a lot of biscuits worth.

Because I find reading really hard my method of writting essay's has become: read some articles and then absolutly everything I read has to go in the essay even if it's not answering the question because I don't like going through the effort of reading something for no reason. (from reading my blog I think it is obvious I don't read them through afterwards, sorry if they're incomprehendable.) If you think about it I'm kind of like the litterary version of someone who is constantly talking and never listening.

My essay is about children's rights..... and this document called 'the U.N Convention on the Rights on the a Child' which is like a document written by adults and only read by adults which in my opinion makes it pointless. There's no point me learning as an adult that 10 or 20 years ago I had the right to 'rest play and leisure' I can't go back in time to that moment when I had to write lines all lunch time for deliberatly forgetting to get off the school bus at the big cold swimming pool and acidently getting of at the nice warm baby pool with the infants even though I was a junior. If I could go back to that time with the knowlege I have of childrens rights now that would be awesome.....imagain the sceen:

angry teacher: how dare you diliberatly aviod swimming lessons! you will stay in at play time and write 50 lines!

Cheeky ginger kid: I understand the need to repremand me for my actions sir, but may I first reffer you to artical 31 in the UNCRC the right to rest play and leisure, I feel that depriving me of my play time today would infridge on my right as a child.

Angry teacher: you cheeky girl less of the backchat, 100 lines for you.

Cheeky ginger girl: I'm am only exercising my right as stated in artical 13 'the right to freedom of expression'

Angry teacher: 200 lines

Cheeky Ginger girl: Given my obvious hatred of reading and writing, doing 200 lines may come under the heading of 'tourure or other cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment or punishment' which according to artical 31 I am to be protected from.

my personal helplines

Today I've got a flat tyre on the car that is almost my car. I phoned AA, Dan and my Dad. Dan and Dad gave helpful advice, the AA were rubish, but should you really expect cohearent advice from alcoholics?

It made me think about my personal helplines e.g who I phone for help in what situations and I have come up with a list I wish I could publish the numbers so everyone could benifit but as I don't have a data protection advice line person I probably shouldn't just in case.

Car advice - theroretical (e.g There is a spare tyre in there somewhere)
....................................................................................Dad

Car advice - practical (e.g I will help you fit it)....Dan

Money and investment advice...............................Dad

forms /acconting/ excell advice ............................Mum

crap medical advice (e.g 'don't bother going to a doctor they can't do anything for you')
....................................................................................Jo

youth interpritation (e.g BRB stands for be right back)
....................................................................................Sarah

cooking advice (e.g how many days after it's sell by date can you really eat eggs ect)
..................................................................................Mum

spritual advice........................................................Dan, Helen, Katie.

Theological advice...................................................Will

Musical knowledge..................................................Dan

Artistic advice..........................................................Rachel, Josh.

Dressmaking advice................................................Mum

french translation....................................................Dan

Business/ self employment advice........................Dad

fashion advice...........................................................Rachel

computor and internet advice................................Dan

from this list I can conclude that Dan is the most useful person to know, that's why I'm going out with him. I wonder if people ever ask me for advice? I think I could run these helplines succesfully:

crap arabic translation
crap french translation
what colour goes with what other colours advice
uk geography (specialising in the coventry ring road and translation of liverpool postcodes into atual area names)
how to make cheese sause
101 things to do with a glue gun.

Can anyone think of a business I could make with all these skills?

what happens if you put a cheese string in a glue gun?

Seven signs of aging

according to Olay these are the 7 signs of aging:

1) line and wrinkles
2) uneven skin texture
3) uneven skin tone
4) appearance of pores
5)blotches and age spots
6) dry skin
7) dullness

in the last couple of months I have experienced a few signs of aging that I have never experienced before.

1) listening to radio 2
2) a strange craving for brown bread instead of my usual white
3) fairly frequent discussions about tax

worrying isn't it? but just like the users of Olay I plan to combat these signs of aging,with a series of new rules that will hopefully stop this slippery slope to old age. I am currently 24 and 2 thirds, which means if I die when my grandmother died I am already middle aged. Here is my new pledge of 7 things I will not do before I'm 27, 30 and ever, anyone who reads this is responsible for holding me accountable.

before the age of 27 I shall not:

1) listen to radio 4 even for a second, unless someone else has it on. ditto radio 3 and classic fm obviously.

2)start saving for a pention

Before the age of 30 I shall not:

3) buy a bread maker or a national trust membership

4) read adult magazines...and by adult I mean something like 'the economist' not playboy

I will never ever:

5) Shop in Marks and Spencer's

6) feel the social pressure to make homemade cakes when visiting friends, (I'm allowed to home bake but only if I'm doing it out of fun not duty)

7) discuss the stock market or kitchens for more that 10 minutes per year.