Who shall I bleed on?

I used to get nose bleeds a lot as a kid, and I really enjoyed it. I loved the attention, and the amount of disruption and mess you could cause in a school assembly without any pain at all. I especially enjoyed taking a big sniff, so a ball of flem and blood formed in my mouth and then dramatically spitting it out. I was an odd child...and now I'm an odd adult. Occasionally I had a nose bleed in a really annoying place like once when I was cycling and I had to wipe my nose on leaves. I don't hardly get them anymore, but last week I was driving to Manchester and I really thought I was about to get one.

I quickly went through all the possible things I could use to absorb blood in my head, I didn't have any tissues and I decided I wasn't wearing any clothes that I wanted to sacrifice to the cause. My options were really limited to maps. I discounted my Liverpool an Manchester A to Zs as they're important (although if I had to bleed on one it would of course be Manchester.) I concluded that the British atlas was the way to go but obviously there's some important bits you wouldn't want to bled on. I decided on Scotland as the place to do most of my bleeding as I've only been there once and it's not the kind of place that you just end up driving through by accident like wales. I wonder if it's racist to choose to bleed on one nation over another? Then I thought about where I would bleed in England and Wales to best preserve my map for future use, and I thought probably mid wales because there's nothing there, and Norwich. I did consider Milton kenes because it sounds boring but it's on the way to other places so I wouldn't want to mess it up.

The best way would be if I had statistics about gun crime and I could make a political map with more blood on cities with more gun crime. Maybe it could be "art" although it would probably mean bleeding on the most useful parts of the map. Anyway I never ended up having a nose bleed in the end, but at least I know what I'm doing if I do ever get a car nose bleed.

I guess I could be one of those women who carries tissues with her wherever she goes...but I don't think I'm really 'in that place' yet. I'm getting there slowly, I've got a plastic bag where I keep other plastic bags and I've nearly got a mortgage so a guess carrying tissues will be inevitable some day, but not just yet.