The next adventure

At school I was voted "most likely to be in the Guinness Book of Records", which I was really pleased about. Unfortunately I've not made it in yet, but I have done a few odd things in my time. Age about 9 I decided one day to do 1000 cartwheels. For my 16th birthday I got a unicycle and taught myself unicycling. When I was 19 I had a fairly unconventional gap year, spending a few months in Palestine, and then the big one - that I went on about for quite a while in 2013 - was the bike ride to Kuwait.

Dan quit his job to do that one so after that trip we were planning the next crazy thing we could do once he got a job. The main idea was buying a shop, but we also considered fostering or buying llamas (not very seriously). You can read that blog here. but spoiler alert, we didn't do anything crazy we did what normal people our kind of age do: we bought a normal family house and had two children. It didn't go that smoothly... We first started looking for a house when I found out I was pregnant, we finally moved into our new house after 9 months of lodging with another family when Percy was two and I was pregnant again. But the point is that right now we are a pretty normal family of 4 living in a normal house doing normal jobs and we're just not quite normal enough to be ok with that.

I've got friends who moved with a baby to live and work in Marrakech, I've got friends that bought a house made from 9, 1 bed flats and turned it into one amazing house, and I've got a friend that lives in a self-converted horse box. This year my parents moved from the house they'd owned for 25 years to a house right on the River Weaver in Cheshire, and this weekend they bought a canal boat. Next week they're going to New Zealand for a month. I mean it's easy when you're in that jammy generation that ruined the world for us millennials. But still you don't need loads of money to do crazy fun stuff. A bit helps though.

So what's the next thing? Eric our youngest is 10 months old which is a full on kind of age where they can climb stairs badly and choke on everything, and they bang their heads about 5 times a day. But, by 18 months they start to be more like real people, he'll hopefully be off breastfeeding and have a bit more caution about things like stairs. He might even sleep through the night! So we're starting to see past that survival stage of life and think "what would be fun to do in 2019?" We haven't decided what the thing is yet, sorry if you were hoping for an exciting announcement... but the good news is we're open to suggestions.

Percy is an October birthday so he doesn't start school till Sept 2019 so we have a bit a chance to go somewhere or do something before he's locked into the confines of the acedemic year. We talked about renting some kind of Camper van and going on a big trip round Canada or maybe Northern Europe like Denmark, Sweden, Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland. Or maybe we'll stick to the bike thing and get a crazy bike like on of these:

We worked out if we bought this one and cycled to church in it every week instead of using the car, we would make back what we spend on petrol in just 42 short years!

This one can fit up to 11 people (although only 6 people cycle)

We'd have to be a lot less ambitious with how far we went on this kind of thing compared to a Camper van, but I reckon a super fun holiday would be cycling from Liverpool right across the country to like Hull or somewhere in an 11 person bike, where random strangers could hop on and join you for a few miles. Think of the people you'd meet and the sites you'd see! Introverted Dan is less thrilled with this idea!

Other options are going abroad to work just for a short term thing. There were several times when we talked about moving abroad long term, and I think Dan maybe still would, but for me right now after a massively long journey (emotionally) to get this house, I don't want to leave it properly any time soon. I could cope with a year in the Cook Islands though. That mystical place that we often talk about and Dan once said in his sleep just because he once enquired about a job there. And www.cookislandsjobs.com is still one of his most visited sites.

So I'm not sure what we'll do and on what scale it will be. The money to do this will come from "savings we might make in the future" so we don't really have a budget, but even if it's trying to get from Lands End to John O'Groats by public transport we'll do something. If you are reading this it is your job to hold us accountable for not getting old and boring. Thanks.

6 difficult concepts for 3 year olds

I own a 3 year old, his name is Percy. He's a bright kid and knows a lot of stuff. Words in his vocabulary include "drone" and "delight" and "Antartica", he would indeed be delighted to fly a drone over Antartica.

He can recognise most letters in the alphabet and he has an amazing memory for conversations that took place months ago, but theres some pretty basic stuff that you take for granted as an adult that he doesn't know. We chat a lot and he has a lot of questions but some things are really hard to explain. Here are my top 6 in order:

6. Money
An example conversation at a soft play:
"can I have a cake?"
"no"
"why?"
"because it's expensive here, and we've got some cake at home you can have"
"is it a million billion pounds?"
"yes"

Example conversation 2:
"why does daddy have to got to work? why can't he stay and play?"
"because when he works they give him money and we need that for food and to live in a house"
"if daddy found magic beans then he wouldn't have to go to work... ...but then it would grow into a beanstalk and a scary giant would come down and... we'd have to make sure the rabbit was in her hutch."
A few days latter; "if I had a cow I wouldn't swap it for magic beans, I'd just keep the cow."

So yeah he doesn't really get money but he will do, it's easy enough to understand when you're a bit older.

5. Live TV/Radio
Unlike in our day, almost everything Percy watches is on demand (and 90% of the time it's Paw Patrol) but when for some reason we are watching or listening to something thats live, he can't understand why I can't rewind. Like one time we were in the car and a song came on the radio that he wanted playing again - cue massive tantrum while I try to explain the concept of live broadcasting.

4. Time
He gets 'lunch time', 'tomorrow', 'in a few days' and is starting to get the concept of 'next month' but he can't understand 'when you're a grown up' or 'before you were born'. Every picture he sees of me and Dan before he was born he asks "was I in your tummy?" and if I say "no that was before you were in my tummy" he can't really handle it. He says "but who was looking after me, where was I?" When I went to Speke Hall (a National Trust property) the staff were trying to teach him about the Tudor period. Seriously guys, he doesn't care he just wants to run around your big house and play, like at least 50% of the people there. The Tudors are dull.

3. Physics
I use the word physics in the loosest sense to describe all the physical stuff he doesn't get. Like when he was making a road jigsaw which was going into the wall and he asked me to move the wall for him.

He understands more about physics than 10 month old Eric though. Eric is at that awkward age where if I put him on a sofa and walked off he would do a head first dive off it and really hurt himself. The only way to really learn about gravity is to fall off stuff though.

2. Death 
Percy's described his first experience of death at 22 months old "woodlouse oh no, Harriet stamping" but his more recent fascination all started when I though it would be nice to draw a family tree with him. I drew parents, grandparents and then his 3 living great grandparents which sort of then left gaps for his 5 dead great grandparents, who I foolishly mentioned. Since then we've had several death related questions, including "when will those children die?" and "when we die will our house die too?" and, in the middle of tea without any context, "grandpa...when you get old then you die". And then Great grandpa's dog died and there were a lot more questions (she actually was put down but we didn't explain that one).

So far he only knows that old people or "fighting people" die. That's from when he saw a WW1 statue that I attempted to explain. I can't tell him that young people die, I feel like if he knew there was a possibility that we could die he wouldn't cope very well with that information.

1. God.
This is a tricky one because we are Christians so we want to teach him about God, but I don't want him to think other religions or ways of life are wrong and I sort of want him to think for himself but maybe 3 is a bit young for that. Some Bible stories have a nice moral theme, like the good samaritan. Some are just nice stories like the Christmas story, but a lot of the Bible is about God's people having victory over other tribes like David and Goliath... and even as an adult Christian I do find that a bit awkward. And then theres the easter story which is the most important one and I love it, but it's not that child friendly is it? it combines 3 of the most difficult concepts: the past, death and God. godd luck with that Sunday school.

Amish Nights

One year ago today we moved from lodging with another family, into our lovely home. One of the big advantages of a bigger house is having space for friends. I'm quite an extrovert, I talk to strangers in parks, I prefer to wait a bit longer and have human interaction instead of self service in checkouts. I had to chat to randomers on our honeymoon because one person isn't enough for me (chat wise I mean).

So one of the things I was looking forward to doing is having people over, and me being me, means I couldn't just have people over to do normal things like hang out. I'm a quite a fan of real life over technology.... if I was a really big fan I would be writing this in a postcard to you. So I invented this thing called Amish nights, where a group of friends meet up at ours and have low tech, smart phones banned, creative fun, usually by candlelight. We've done story telling, life drawing with clothes on, a singing one, and one where we smashed up and burned down an old shed.

Last week we did a creative writing one, which we started with a good old game of Consequences. I love this game! It's where you write a bit of a story and then pass it on and collectively write a short story together. Here is one of ours:

Ezekiel

Met Hannah and Sarah's mythical other sister 

in Olso

he said "the baby kangaroo travels along a line the mother has licked on her stomach, then climbs into her pouch where it may stay for several weeks."

She said: One day I will return, until then know that I will always love you.

They decided to move to a tropical island together but after 6 years they split up because she stopped shaving her legs. She stayed on the island though because she was happy there, she didn't need a man to fulfil her. Girl power.

After that we got into writing poems. We picked a letter out at random and wrote something with as many words as possible with that letter. I had "I" and this is my not very poem-y poem:

The issue is the impulsive Italian immigrants,

the irresponsible immigrants invade our island,

it's an inconvenience,

they are intoxicated, imorral, infidels,

it's inevitable that we will,

enforce our island initiation,

they imply it's indoctrination,

but we must enforce intimacy with iguanas.

I know it's a bit random but I was quite pleased with that... until I heard other people's that sounded like actual real poems. He's Sarah's:

Wally whale went west one winter,

weeping woefully through the water,

when one Wednesday without warning,

wally wondered about world wide warming...

"will wide water w-eally W-ise?"

"why oh why oh why oh why?"

with that wise Wally whoosed away,

worrying won't such warming delay.

Pretty good huh? `here is Steph's one:

Zipping past the zoo,

I needed a poo,

zigzagging and zooming,

Zuma was booming,

in a zoot suit,

from a car boot

radio speaker system

Zac almost missed 'im

imagine Zac's zed

as they zoomed past and said

To a loo painted zingy lime

Zac just found the time,

zipped in, washed his hands

in stunning Zululand

Zac felt so relieved

But Zuma could not be believed.

There were lots more good poems by everyone else too, so don't be offended if I didn't type yours out.

If anyone wants to come to amish nights, let me know everyone's welcome.

My Trip to the Sexual Health Clinic

Happy New Year! Welcome to the 9th year of my blog.
Sorry for the slightly click baity title. The full title is:

"a crazy day that involved annoying public transport, sales shopping, lunch with Rachel and meeting an overly chatty greek woman in a sexual health clinic. " 

That's chronological order, but it's also saving the best till last....wait till you hear what unusual reason the greek lady was in for!

Today was the day that Dan and Percy set off on their little adventure to France for Dan's french grandma's (Mamie's) 80th birthday party. I decided not to go. The thought of getting a 7.15am flight from Stansted with a baby and toddler didn't thrill me. So me and Eric are staying. Today they got the train down to the midlands where they were meeting Dan's parents to travel the rest of the day together.

What a barrel of laughs that was. They needed to go from Liverpool Lime street, the buses take ages and are unreliable, so I thought why don't we drive to Liverpool South Parkway, all get the train in, Percy and Dan can get on their next train and then I can have a look in the sales, while Eric has his morning nap in the pram. We checked the train times and choose one that even if we missed it, there would just be time to get another one. I checked that south parkway had a free car park, left in plenty of time but somehow it still went wrong.

The car park was full, and Percy was desperate for a wee. Hmmm we hadn't planned for this. after circling the car park a few times, I had to just drop them off, as I wasn't in a particular hurry. I'll just park on the street somewhere, and if I miss the same train as them it doesn't matter too much. (except to Percy who is not great with changes of plans) anyway I managed to find a space in the car park...it wasn't an actual car parking space, but it wasn't blocking anyone so I took the risk, and ran in with Eric in the pram. Dan had taken Percy to the loo and there was now only 2 minutes till the train was leaving. We got in the lift to the bridge between platforms, and then, they ran down the stairs to the platform to be quicker, while I had to get the lift with the pram. They were 20 seconds too late, I was 40 seconds too late. Bums!

It's ok theres another one, in 5 minutes time, "train delayed expected 6 minutes time" "train delayed expected 7 minutes time." arghhh. We made it though, they got on their train at Lime Street. I was sad to see them go.

Guess which was the first stop of their train journey from Lime Street to Dudley?

I'll give a clue, it's a station named after a late 90's cartoon that your parents disapproved of.
(Liverpool) South Park(way)

I continued my day with a bit of sales shopping (got some slippers and earrings both 70% off- thanks for asking) and then met the lovely Rachel Goodsall for lunch, she was nice enough to change the time, last minute so I could shop when Eric decided he wanted to nap. After lunch she said "what else are you doing today?" and then I remembered I needed to go to the sexual health clinic. (Not for anything gross just to get more of the pill) So I waited in there with Eric for AN HOUR AND A HALF and in that time a slightly crazy lady came and sat next to me for a chat. The whole time I was speaking to her I thought "at least I can write a blog about this"

So I don't know about you, but I kind of thought the rules of making small talk were "not in a sexual health clinic" but maybe that is just British rules, because this lady (who was Greek) came over and sat right next to me. I'm used to a baby invited more conversation than normal, but you don't start a conversation with "aww he's so cute, is he a he? he is 3 months old?" not when the baby is 8 months old. I don't mind that you can't judge the age of a baby correctly, but if you can't get near why bother trying. she then went on to tell me my baby was a Vergo and therefore red would be his colour and he would be very connected to the earth.

If you are going to make small talk in a sexual health clinic... MAJOR RULE: DON'T ASK SOMEONE WHY THEY'RE THERE!! luckily it was just to get more of the pill so I answered honestly. I didn't ask back though, two wrongs don't make a right. She told me anyway. She was in because a game of Uno has gone wrong. You know Uno the card game where you match the colours or the numbers. She played Uno with a friend who suggested that the loser would have to drink vinegar, and it turns out drinking vinegar makes you feel bad. "I don't think they deal with that here" I said. but she said it was also a doctors too. She knew because "I heard people coughing, and I thought...that's not a symptom of gonorrhoea"

Aww she was actually a lovely lady and made that hour and a half wait a little bit less dull.

The pill is like the worst advent calendar ever. Even worst than the ones we used to have as children that didn't have chocolate in

P.s There's probably a load of mistakes in this because Dan isn't here to proof read- sorry.

Funny Quotes of the Year

I wanted to get one more blog done this year to bring the total to an unimpressive 21. Joint lowest with 2014. Surprise surprise both years I gave birth in. Last blog was semi serious so this blog is going to be all the silly things my 3 year old has said this year.

Last year my sister Sarah made me a tea towel with his best quotes on, in 2016 he was between the ages of 14 and 28 months he was just learning to talk, so grammatically they weren't fully formed, but he's quite a chatter. So when he wanted me to wrap him in a blanket he said "Blanket the Percy" or when he wanted me to change his nappy: "Tidy the pooed"
My favourite for that year was when he described his first experience of death: "Woodlouse, OH NO, Harriet stamping"

He has continued to expand his knowledge of death... We were making a family tree and as we drew on his 3 great grandparents I mentioned the 5 dead ones, it's important for him to know about death right? Anyway he seemed ok with it all until a week or so later when we went to visit Dan's parents and over dinner with no context whatsoever he just came out with "Grandpa when you get old then you die" It was an awkward moment but grandpa took it well, it is true we just don't like to say it as adults.

His language has developed a lot this year to the point where he is almost a normal person, with just a few grammatical errors, like he always says "why can I can't" instead of just "why can't I" and a few words he pronounces with the wrong amount of syllables like "Sligh-te-ly" but he does come out with a few words that I'm like where did you pick that up? One day he told me he was "very competent" at jigsaws.

This year Percy wrote all the jokes in our crackers, things like:
"What do you call a pig with no legs? ...A lying down pig!"
and this twist on a classic:  "Doctor doctor I feel like the curtains are closed. open them any time."

So 2017 brought some cute quotes:
"do you want to be a dancer when you grow up?" "I'm a dancer now!"
some weird quotes: "Hello willy how are you today?"
some facts: "poo is yucky, wee is a bit nicer"
and some surreal ones: "the polar bear wants to eat his fish finger up-side-down"

So here are the top 2017 Percy quotes that made it to the tea towel:

Some of them take a bit more explaining like "that's just food-chicken" is the moment that Percy found out that chickens that we see at farms and chickens that we eat are the same thing.

And "I want a step mum" I was momentarily broken hearted, but turns out he just wanted the step.

Probably my favourite was when he recently described having a brother and a doll
"We have two babies, one made out of plastic and one made out of real"

love him

If you want to follow more funny quotes search #percyquotes on twitter or follow @comedyhan

If you want to get beautiful personalised gifts like this tea towel, check out Sarah Joy

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

A Letter To Myself

This time last year I wrote a not very happy blog. It was about how my parents were struggling to write their annual christmas boasting letter, a lot of things were up in the air for them, and I had had a difficult year too, being pregnant and homeless (not really homeless on the street...read more here if you're wondering.)

Well 2017 has been good to us, and things are no longer "up in the air" for me and my parents things are solidly down on the ground as we have both bought new houses this year. we moved into our house in February and then in May I gave birth to baby Eric.

2016 = Pregnant and homeless

2017 = New house New baby.

In fact it was Jo who didn't get a mention on the christmas letter this year... she just been working hard as a doctor this year with no major life changes. - You'll have to do better than that if you want a mention in the christmas letter Jo.

A previous conversation between my parents:
Dad- do you think Jo will mind that she didn't really get a mention?

Mum- No! they don't compare themselves like that

Dad- Hannah will.

So anyway this was meant to be a blog about how thankful I am to be where I am now in life compared to how 2016 ended.

When we were packing down the christmas decorations that we'd put up in our room last year I wrote a little note to myself and put in one of the tiny drawers of our wooden advent calendar, and forgot about it. At the end of November we had just bought a christmas tree and got the christmas box down from the loft when I came across the note I had written.

I cried a genuine tear.

I should point out that 2016 wasn't all bad, living with the Langston family had many advantages and we really enjoyed the summer there with their massive garden. But the uncertainty of not knowing how long we would be there, and getting caught up in what turned out to be a complicated house sale while also experiencing morning sickness was a bit too much at times. We sort of joked that we were were homeless, but obviously we weren't... we were just experiencing "housing based uncertainty" which is like 1% of the problems a real homeless person faces. So it got me thinking about real homelessness.

So far in life I've not had much luck helping the homeless, me and Dan once baked some cakes to give out to homeless people, and then one time me and my friend Helen befriended a Romanian homeless woman, we chatted to her whenever we saw her and sometimes gave her things. Once she told us she needed new shoes. So Helen said "lets go shopping" we wondered around St. Johns shopping centre pointing out cheap but practical trainers but she chose a pair of sparkly strappy sandals, which we awkwardly bought. That was a weird day.

So in November we had a Thankfulness Brunch. I provided a load of food and then people generously donated money to the Whitechapel centre, a Liverpool homeless charity. We made a thankfulness tree where we wrote things we were thankful for.

...and we made a den for the kids. Thanks to everyone who came. x

I loved getting excited about christmas this year, Percy is particularly interested in snow. Despite having never seen it, he likes to pretend that he is sledging, and he loves talking about snowmen. He's decided that he wants to live in Antartica when he's a grown up and has plans to take all of us and transport our house to Antartica. While in Antatrica he want to get a job as someone who fixes screwdrivers. He's a strange child.

So we were really excited when it when we heard it was going to snow here, I went out and bought a sledge in anticipation. Unfortunatly only a tiny bit of snow reached us. 

Trying to make the most of Liverpool's disappointing snow.

But I was determined to show him some snow. We got on twitter and searched the trending hashtag #uksnow to try and find the nearest place with deep snow and a hill. We ended up going just south of Delamere. 

I'm so glad we did it, it was magical...but if you're looking at this thinking "oh I would love to have children and do these wonderful things", you should also know it involved an hour of packing a spare outfit and snacks for everyone. And a good 5 or 10 minutes of crying at the end when we were trying to get into the car and get warm. Plus it had to be arranged around nap times and feeding times. All this for half an hour of fun before the boys got too cold. It was worth it though.

Merry Christmas from the Joneses.

2 kids or 3?

It's a big decision and one we probably won't be making for a while, but it's in my head quite a lot. Stick at 2, or go for 3? Before we had any we talked about wanting 3, then after Percy was born we thought maybe 2 would be enough. Hardly anyone sticks at one do they, I wonder why? We never even considered sticking at one, but the two or three debate seems to be a big one. There are a few things that are pretty much decided.

-If one of us (me or Dan) isn't fully onboard with having 3 it's a no.
-If we go for 3, the gap will have to be bigger than last time, at least 3 years.
-3 is the max (unless twins) after 3 we will be taking long lasting, drastic and permanent contraception solutions.

So given these provisos this is the for and against a third baby:

Sticking at 2.

• No more morning sickness, no more stretching my belly, no more doctors choping at my bits to get a baby out.
• In 3 years time Percy will be in school and Eric will qualify for 30 free hours of nursery if I'm working.
• We will fit in a normal car.
• In a couple of years we could go on a family holiday without taking nappies and a travel cot and a pram.
• I'm much more likely to be able to do interesting things with my life, like take a show to Edinburgh, have a slight career change, have a shower in peace.
• If the boys share a room we will still have a spare room.
• I might get to sleep though the night one day soon.
• I could start saving for a pension.
• A newborn and a toddler is really hard, you're basically always ignoring one of them. Before Percy started nursery I am happy to admit I was only just on the edge of coping and mainly not enjoying it. So for now we are paying £68 per week for a day a half of nursery until it becomes free in January. That's why if we did have another the gap would need to be a bit bigger or we'd need to be a lot richer.
• I could wear my full wardrobe again, not just breast feeding friendly cloths.
• It's easier for other families to invite you round when you're a family of four.
• Everything is made for families of 4.
• I have 2 hands, not 3.
• The average cost of raising a child in the uk is £229000!
• It's better for the environment (I'm not that bothered tbh but that is an argument some people like to make).
• No one has to be the middle child. two boys seems like a simpler dynamic than 3 boys or 2 boys and a girl.
• With a sweaty cycling husband, a pukey baby and a potty training toddler we already do and average of one clothes wash a day. I'm not sure I can take more than that. 
• So far I've been lucky enough not to suffer a miscarriage or post natal depression. Both very common and something I've worried about, if I stop now I won't have to experience either.
• I heard it said by more than one person "after your third your body never goes back".
• We went to a church sale once and I bought children's chairs to upcycle, I only got 2.
  
• A bit controversial this one: we've are so lucky to have two healthy lovely boys maybe we should quit while we're ahead.
• The 3rd child could be twins!
• When my sisters have kids I can be in that smug no nappies phase.
• Tory britain and their silly anti-3 child policy.
• If we have a 3rd child they may one day find this blog and feel unloved.

Having a 3rd

My mum with us 3 sisters.

• I'm one of 3 and it just feels like the right number for a family sometimes.
• Two is the most boring number of children you can have. I hope this doesn't offend the many wonderful parents of 2 children, but the parents of 3 mainly seem a bit more fun.
• Screw you Tories!
• Percy is the cutest big brother and he has said he wants "a dog and some sisters"
• I might be able to have a baby at roughly the same time one of my sisters has a baby and be on maternity leave together.
• As someone with 2 sisters it feels weird to have not had a girl, so if we have a 3rd obviously there's a chance I would be mum to a girl. I think I'm ok with being a mum to 3 boys too so it wouldn't be like we're just trying for a girl.
• Chance of having grandchildren greatly increases. I think depending on your age when you have kids there always a good 20% or 30% chance that your child won't have children. Like, they might not want children, or not find a partner, be gay, not be able to have kids, or maybe they go and live in Australia, or they get divorced and don't see their child much, or they die before having kids. You never imagine your child will get divorced or die before having children, but these things are all possibilities. With two kids you've got a good chance of having grandchildren but 3 obviously increases your chances, you'd be quite unlucky to have 3 kids and no grandchildren.
• When I was 8 my parents told me they were having another baby, until this point I never considered that to be a possibility. Most of my friends just had one sibling and so I was really thrilled to have an extra one.
• Being old enough to remember a baby in the family was really cool.
• I feel like you are more likely to regret not having 3 than having 3 because you will know and love the third.

A compomise
We might consider fostering or adoption one day, if we stuck at just two biological children. Probably not adopting a baby, although that sounds like a nice thing to do I would feel a bit mean, because I can't be bothered going through pregnancy and birth again I'm taking a pre-made baby that could have gone to a couple that can't have babies. I think I would be more likely to adopt a more difficult to place 5 year old or whatever.

I think what it all boils down too is the choice between enjoying my 30s, getting back into work, going on a holiday and being more relaxed about money, but maybe feeling a bit of "What if?"

Or: having a difficult decade of a million nappies and 60 times that a baby is teething, but maybe enjoying a new family dynamic, a bit more chaos, a bit more fun, a bit less normal. And eventually reaching a point where they are all in school and we can relax a tiny bit.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this one.