Customer Feedback

Virgin media just emailed me to ask for feedback...at last my chance to vent years of fustration. I gave them a score of 1 for customer service and zero for chance of recomending them to a friend. when asked to explain my answers I wrote this:

"I originally gave you the score zero but then I changed it to 1 because I did eventually get to speak to a real person and I have a vague glimmer of hope that my bill problem might one day get sorted. I put 0 for how likely I am to recommend you to a friend because, straight after my conversation I was filled will frustration and had to go out for a run to calm myself down. I also posted as my facebook status 'I hate virgin media! Even more than I hate HMRC.' So it's not really just that I am 'not at all likely' to recommend a friend I'm actually actively against you as a corperation and would happily dissuade anyone from signing up for your internet packages. "

I wish I'd added that they should move their call centres to Wales because when our car got written off by an idiot and the insurace company couldn't do anything I was strangly not annoyed with them. I think that's because you can't get anoyed with a welsh person.

End of a Era

Today at the age of 26 and a quarter, I am announcing the end of a 12 year long bikini wearing era. After trying to swim a km once a week for the last 6 weeks or so I have finally decide to stop wearing my bikini that is made from triangles the size of cheese triangles. I bought a proper grown up woman's swimsuit that sucks in the tummy. It's got polka dots on it and it's pretty. I try and swim 40 lengths in 35 minutes which I feel is significant progress considering that my personal goal a few months ago was not to get my hair wet.

After believing I was 7 1/2 stone for the past decade I was a bit surprised to discover that I am actually 8 1/2 stone. Annoyingly my excuse about not weighing enough to give blood will not work anymore (you have to be 8 stone.) I got sent a letter asking me to give blood today, and that's partly what prompted buying a new swimsuit, I want to get in shape or those blood sucking leaches that are the NHS will guilt me into donating. I already became a organ donor last month but that will not satisfy them. I'm giving everything but my eyes, I know I'll be dead but I don't want someone else wandering around with my eyes after I'm gone.... that's creepy.

I definitely don't want to give up my body to science either. I don't want some first year med student poking around and laughing at my dead naked body. I wouldn't mind giving up my body for art though, I wonder if there's a form to fill in for that? I wonder if you could get paid in advance for it? I almost donated my baby teeth collection to an artist once. Then I decided not to, you never know when there will be an emergency and you'll urgently need a pot of your own baby teeth.

My Favorite Gingers

This blog is dedicated to my 2 favorite ginger friends who are both amazing Bex and Josh. (also I have a ginger sister she's nice too)

I'll start with Bex who I've know since I was born:

This is us and our snowman back in the day. We grew up as next door neighbours, until I was 6. One memory from this period was of us "running away" we decided on the cunning cover up of ''we're pretending to run away" we packed clothes and cornflakes in a big suitcase and set off for our journey after maybe 20 minutes I fell over and we had to go back for a plaster, and we must of decided not to continue the big run away plans.

When I was 6 Bex moved a few miles away but 6 months later we ended up moving to the same street as them, we started a new school together and pretended we were sisters. People genrally believed us. I actually find it hard to convince people that I'm not related to other random gingers sometimes.

We weren't as close in secondary school Bex was two school years above me, and therefore it was socially unacceptable for us to make any eye contact during school hours. Once she was in sixth form we hung out a bit more. I got a bit of street cred from getting lifts to school in her old banger car. I got the role of 'cd walkman holder' -she had one of those things that plugs into a car tape player and we always listened to 'Niccleback' or 'Puddle of mud' on the way to school.

She went away to uni and we weren't in contact much for a few years but it's quite weird how similar we have become as adults. We both share a love of climbing trees, silly games, fancy dress, traveling and setting fire to things. Last July she was my bridesmaid and this July I'm going to be her bridesmaid!!! She told me this at her surprise engagement party at the weekend... then we had a wrestle in the lotus position whilst I was wearing a monkey mask, and she accidental punched me in the face and gave me a nose bleed it was funny.

This is me and Josh:

We lived together for 2 years in uni. He taught me how to spin fire poi, I taught him unicycling, and he was the one that inspired me to do community art stuff. We had a lot of funny times together back in the day when we lived life between 10am and 2am. On Sundays we had the Sunday night question which was a deep philosophical time when we discussed things like 'Do male lady birds ever feel a bit camp?' he came out with great sentences like 'That's illegal with a capital E!' we pretty much spent our whole time on the beach or in the park I never remember it being cold or rainy in those days. One he put a life size manikin that he found in a skip in my bed.

He converted me to liking tea because he loved it so much that he said we couldn't be friends on a deep level if I didn't drink tea. One day (before I liked tea) I wanted to show him how much I respected him as a friend, but as he didn't really do hugs, I downed a whole mug of tea for his enjoyment even though I hated it. After that I gradually started to like tea.

Today Josh is setting of on a tricycle ride around Europe for a year meeting up with some circus type people in Berlin and travelling with them for a while. He's a proper legend. He has a blog too you should follow it: http://wildgooseartventures.blogspot.com/

Cheese Gun

Here is a copy of the letter I just sent to cheesestring:

Dear Cheesestring,
I had a funny thought a while ago which was ‘what would happen if you put a cheese string in a glue gun’ a couple of days ago at my friend’s cheese and wine birthday party I tried it out. Initially it didn’t really work because cheese string cheese isn’t solid enough to be pushed through a glue gun so we moulded some cheader to the right size and amazingly with a bit of poking it worked…the gun melted the cheese which could then be squirted into a cracker or whatever. All this was a silly experiment, but I actually think that the ‘cheese gun’ could be a marketable product. I think the target market would be young boys and maybe students anyone that like to have a bit of fun with their cheese really.

I realise health and safety might be an issue but I’m sure it is possible to create a hygienic low heat gun, maybe battery powered. I honestly think this could boost your sales, and I think that you would be the perfect kind of fun company to bring out such a product.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
Hannah Jones.

Bath Toys

How many bath toys is too many bath toys for a couple with no children to own?

We have 12 and I think that is definatly too many. 'How did it that happen!' I here you cry, well it's not an interesting story but I will tell you anyway.

I had a plastic frog that I think was a present from ampsterdam when I was a teanager.

Then we bought our house an it came with 3 rubber ducks in a bowl of glass beeds in the bathroom.

Then we had a underwater themed fancy dress party and our friend Lydia came as a pond and left behing 3 frogs that were attached to her.

Then my sister gave us two colour changing rubber ducks and some bath disco lights that work underwater. (However they don't work underwater if they're not screwed together right)

Then Dan went and did our Asda shop and asked me if he could get me a little present, I said yes because I love presents and he came back with 3 plastic fish. I tryed to give him a look of 'I apericiate the gesture' without giving him the impression that I love that our bath is full of plastic kids toys and it is the perfect present. I have since informed him that if he has £2.50 to spend on a gift for me from asda he should go for a nail varnish.

Here ends the most borring blog I have ever written.

My Comedy Career Starts Here!

Last monday a did my first ever bit of stand up comedy, it was only for 5 minutes but the "fame" has gone to my head a bit. I did think the day after 'I could be a comedian...I already do my own self assesment tax returns and that's probably the hardest bit' I think I've realised now that when your only doing 5 minutes and the place is full of your friends and your a the only girl doing it, and it's your first time, your probably not going to get heckeled or anything. People would probably laugh anyway whatever you said.

I tryed to tweet my comedy at some comedians without much success. I've realised now that I should have asked them to retweet it instead of saying 'what do you think of this?' They're hardly going to come round and offer to be my personal comedy mentor (although they really should.) Dan said today that if I ever did get famous he'd worry that I'd go off and buy something crazy like a house made of cheese without asking him first. but what's crazy about that?! Here is my comedy clip, but you were probably there or have already seen it. Thanks for coming if you did, it was brilliant to have so many friends there.

http://youtu.be/FvTy0hasXQI

I started off talking about a dream I had where I'm a pond and a horse is drinking, me but that's a really sain dream compaired to the one I had last night. Last night a drempt that an angry guinen pig got inside my arm and stated sewing me up up on the inside. I had to keep pulling theads out of my skin and then it got even more angry and started to do the same but with metal chains, so I had to keep pulling chains out of my skin. It's probabley hard to imagain. Hopefully soon they will invent a iphone app that records your dreams and then you can upload the best ones to you tube. It would make blogging easier.

Keeping Warm

It's cold at the moment, I am not a fan. It should either be properly winter like snow and stuff or hurry up and be summer time. But fear not, I have some handy tips on keeping warm. I shall list them in order of sensibleness from 'weird but do-able' to 'nonsense'

1) I discovered yesterday that a snog with your husband/ partner/ fellow snogging enthusiast, is very nice if they have just downed a cut of hot tea .....mmmm, it's like a hot water bottle for you tongue. On the other had if they have just motor biked 30 miles in the ice stay away!

2) nose muffs -yet to catch on but a definite gap in the market.

3) I think I am building up an immunity to heat. I used to have 90% hot water baths with 10% cold water but now I go for 100% hot and I add more hot after 10 minutes. I also put boiling water in my hot water bottle even though you're apparently not meant to. I am now wanting to find a liquid that boils at around 120'c so I can be hotter for longer. I will buy a hot water bottle to the first scientist to get me some.

4) building a time machine and going back to 1985 when I was in the womb.