A letter to my boss

Dear Manager,
I am writing to express my concern about the lack of toilet facilities specifically for staff use on our premisis. I am under the impression that most organisations the size of ours that work with young people do have a seperate staff toilet. I know that funding is tight and you may think that money can be put to better use elsewhere but let allow me to put forward and argument for a staff toilet by drawing on some anecdotal evidence:

Yesterday after I'd finished work I went to the toilet to do a poo, I have a personal rule not to poo if I can hear anyone else in the toilet area, when I sat down the toilet was empty so I proceded to go about my business. Mid -poo a student walked in, just at the point of no return, I had no choice but to continue, I'd tryed to minimise the 'plop' sound as best I could, but unfortunatly I was all to aware of an audible 'plop' I finished my business and went out to wash my hand when I was greeted by the student who said 'alright Hannah' in a friendly fashion. I breathed a sigh of relef - either she hadn't heard or she wasn't going to mention it. She continued 'did you have a good poo? I can smell it!' (I personally think she couldn't smell it she could only hear it) I answered 'yes' I could hardly deny it and I like to think I was making a small step to removing the taboo that sourounds pooing.

After washing my hands I walked out to be greeted by another smiling overly friendly youth, this time I was suspicious and I had every right to be as they continued to question me about my poo very loudly in the busy recception area. I decided the only thing to do was to refused to be embarrased, it is a natural bodily function after all. I contiued as normal collecting my bike and signing out of the building redy for my ride home. Gathered by the railing were a whole gang of youths smoking and laughing, as I walked my bike past them they began to ask me in great detail about my toilet experience. not not be out done I tryed to answer back in equally as much detail ' I had a fantastic poo thanks, there's nothing better after a hard day at work than to relax by having a massive poo'

So if you don't want members of staff standing outside your building shouting about their poo then a staff toilet is nessisary. It is my ambition to one day work for an organisation where you can share a toilet with people who are to polite to tell you they can hear or smell your poo.

yours sincerly
Hannah.

The Blood-Stained Hat

I was recently talking to my housemate Danni who's been away at her parents for a few days. We were catching up about what's been happening- she's been ill and I've been getting naked and phoning the police (not at the same time- see previous 2 blogs for details) So I was discribing this woman that I was life modleing for (heavy smoker, bad teath, dyed blond hair in a bowl hair cut, potential lesbian) and that's when Danni started linking the two stories together purly based on the fact that I discribled this woman as a potential lesbian and when I saw the fight in my street a man was shouting 'your a f***ing lesbian' she put 2 and 2 together then divided it by the square root of 43.9 and then multiplied it by pi and together we came up with this possible seniriao:

So this lady who I will give the false name Jackie, was happly marred to a man who I will call Jack. Jack was rooting through a cupboard looking for his favorite grey hat when he came accros a folded up chalk drawing of me naked dated last week. Why had Jakie been drawing naked woman in thir flat? in a fit of rage and jelousy he ripped up the drawing and went in search of her. after half an hour of fruitless searching he did what all bad stalkers do and phone her to ask where she was, Jackie claimed she was shoping but attually she came over to mine bringing a grey hat that she wanted me to wear in my next modeling session. Jack drove around near the shops for ages until he spoted Jackie holding his beloved gray hat. If Jack had been a little more eloquent he would have said 'I am pondering as to why you invited an 24 year old woman round to our flat for a life modling session, and quite franckly your secreacy regarding this matter has lead me to question your sexuality' but Jack who had never been good at confrontation pulled up in his car and started shouting 'your a f***ing lesbian!' over and over again. In the fight the hat was droped on the floor and Jackie was beaten to a pulp. In a panic Jack disposed of her body in greenbank park lake. leaving behing the Blood-stained hat as evedence.

Back to reality- this is the hat found outside my house, it looked a lot more blood-stained than this in real life. The police phoned me back about the incedent I reported, they said it was lads playfighting and I was like really that's not what it sounded like? and then they said 'oh no sorry- it was domestic, half the crimes on my list are play fight and half are domestic I get confused sometimes.' Woo! go mersyside police, hope you don't mistakes like that when your arresting people. I'm half expecting them to phone back and say 'oh atually it was murder'

'The Busys'

If your not from liverpool you might not know that 'the busys' is scouce for the police. I got to phone the police on saturday night/ sunday morning it was really fun, I've never phoned them before. Although when I was 10 I did get my name and address taken down by the police for making prank calls even though I attually didn't, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and lied about stuff.

There's been a couple of other times that I could have phone the police but they were both in situations where the scaryness of what was happening outweighed my excitment about phoning the police and someone else ending up calling. but this time it was quite fun, there was a fight in my street and a lot of shouting 'your a *uckin* lesbian' (I thougt I go for alturnative starring there) it carried on for about five minutes well I watched out of my window thinking 'can I justify calling the police they're only really arguing', but then I saw a bit of kicking and some more vehicals pulling up so I though I could justify it. Its quite exciting watching crime from the comfort of your own bed. The next day there was a blood stained hat outside my neighbours house, I'm not sure if that's connected.

My Nudity-Soup Exchange

On Wednesday I exchange My own nudity for soup..... it was really good soup though, Jamie Oliver chirizo and sweet potatoe soup (and many other expencive ingredience). I guess if your the average internet user then you would be more interested in hearing about nudity than soup though. There are two ways of telling this story one is that I'm so poor that I had to sell myself in order to buy soup, and the other is that I spent and hour sitting around doing nothing and got £15 pounds which I chose to spend on soup ingredience. The first is a lie, the second is a lot more true. I should probably point out that the getting naked bit was life modeling, eg I got naked and sat on this womans sofa and she drew me. I think it's probably the most socially accecptable way of getting naked for cash. I wasn't atually too bothered about the getting naked part, I've been to life drawing classes before so I know the unwritten rules of life modeling:

- When a model is naked don't talk to them or even look them in the eye.

- when they are clothed have a nice chat with them.

this means that models need to bring a dressing gown so that the artists can direct them inbetween poses.

The bit I was nervous about was going to this womans flat, even though I'd spoken to her on the phone and she sounded like an old lady, it could have been a elaborate plot involving an evil gang of men ad a webcam or something. Me and Dan arraged beforehand that if he hadn't heard from me by 4pm he would come and break her door down. Good job my phone didn't run out of battery or anything that could have been unfortunate.

Santa's little helper

I had a needs assesment yesterday which is when you tell someone what you need and they give it to you. It's because I'm doing a part time MA in youthwork and I'm dyslexic. The government like to give gifts to dyslexics to compensate them for putting them through a school system where you get in trouble for being bad at spelling. It's like a present for surviving years of nasty teachers.

So this needs assament guy was talking me through my psychologists report yesterday, which I've had for 4 years but not really read properly....because I'm dyslexic which means I DON'T LIKE READING. So anyway it turns out that I'm an atual genius at 'understanding conseptual similarities'...whatever that means. I'm in the more than 99.9 percentile for it. but my percentile for decoding symbols within symbols is 2. So I come out as kind of normalish but attually I'm super clever and some things and very bad at others.

So this man's job is a bit like being santa's middle man, he has to decide what I need and wheather I really need it enough for santa (or my local authrity) to pay for it. The easyist way is for you to go in there and say all this stuff you "need" but I'm not really good at lying. I was a bit too honest about what I used my degree disabled student allowence for. Using up your photocopy budget by doing enlaged photocopyies of feathers and gliter is not what they want to hear, but what do you expect, when you give a creative student who hates reading a ridiculus amount of money to spend on photocopying. This is one of my photocopies:

I did manage not to tell him about the time I bought shoes with the book money. My local authority had just written to me and told me they weren't going to check my recipts anymore. My freind Dave justified my shoe buying by saying "spell this word or I'll stamp on your foot!"

When I was doing my degree about 4 years ago is when I got the free computor, and it still works alright, so when it came to the bit at the end about what I attually need I said I don't really need anything, which is not what they want to here. I would quite like a laptop but in order to get one we had to play a silly game of 'try and think of a reason to justify you having a laptop' I had about five attepts before I hit the jackpot answer.

'I could do my work downstairs infront of the T.V'

'I could work on trains'

'They're pretty'

'it's less anoying when you move house'

'I could sell my old one and buy shoes'

and the jackpot answer: 'I could take it to work'

it's true that I could take it to work but I wouldn't ever do that because both my places of work have computors, it would be too heavy to carry on my bike and if I took it to my job with the expelled kids it would prabably get trashed. Nevermind that though, I said the jackpot answer, that was the end of the meeting he's going to write to santa or whoever and tell them I need a laptop. I love being dyslexic.

I Hate Harvard Referencing

I hate Harvard Referencing.... even more than I hate rice pudding. Infact if I was offered a scholoship at Harvard University where I got paid £50,000 a year to study whatever I wanted, I would turn it down because I wouldn't want to study somewhere with the name Harvard in case it reminded me of Harvard Refencing. I know it's intended to be one offical way of reffencing anything but I don't think there should be an offical way of doing anything. I think everyone should make up there own way to do things.

It's easy enough to reference books and stuff you just write the title and authour and a few other bits of pointless information, and then randomly highlight a bit of it and put it in italics and add in some of the puntuation that doesn't get used much in everyday life and feels left out like this ( ) :
but what if you're refencing something you heard in a game of chinnese whispers? or what if you're referencing a quote you saw tatooed on a sailor's arm which was inspired by his mum's facebook status which was quoting part of an artical she read in heat magazine? How would you reference that?

3 twelths to Pink Cornflakes

I've invented a new way of telling the time, and before you laugh, I bet whoever thought of telling the time in 24 hours was laughed at when they first came up with the idea.


so hours just go in rainbow colours:

1 O'clock = Red O'clock
2 O'clock = Orange O'clock
3 O'clock = Yellow O'clock
4 O'clock = Green O'clock
5 O'clock = Blue O'clock
6 O'clock = Purple O'clock

Then from 7 O'clock to 12 O'clock you have to think of the same rainbow clours and visualise them being mixed with white paint and that becomes the colour e.g

7 O'clock = Pink O'clock
8 O'clock = Peach O'clock
9 O'clock = Cream O'clock
10 O'clock = Mint Green O'clock
11 O'clock = Baby Blue O'clock
12 O'clock = Lilac O'clock

-Then for telling the minutes you alway say how long to the next hour, never how long past the hour.

-Time is always said in fractions it's never 10 to an hour it's always 1 sixth to the hour.

-The fractions that are banned are half and quarters they are banned because they aren't very original.

-This leaves Twelths, sixths, and thirds.

so 5 past = 11 twelths to
10 past = 5 sixths to
quarter past=9 twelths to
twenty past = 2 thirds to

Therefore:
9:45 = 3 twelths to mint green O'clock
4:10= 5 sixths to blue O'clock
7:30 = 6 twelths to peach O'clock
1:40= a third to orange O'clock

Then if you want to be able to know wheather it's 2pm or 2am you add a food to the end of your time. The problem I find with am and pm is that I think 2am is really the evening and 2pm is really the morning, so I feel the need for three different endings to depict the time of day. I have chosen the endings cornflakes to represent morning, sandwidge to reprosent afternoon, and pizza to reprosent evening/night time. so If you haven't learned the official times off by heart which of course you should, you can just guess at whats the most likely thing that you would be eating at that time, but here are the offcial times. I've taken off the unessiasry O'clocks and added the AM/PM substitutes

1am-Red Pizza
2am-Orange Pizza
3am-Yellow Pizza
4am-Green Pizza

5am-Blue Cornflakes
6am-Purple Cornflakes
7am-Pink Cornflakes
8am-Peach Cornflakes
9am-Cream Cornflakes
10am-Mint Green Cornflakes
11am-Baby Blue Cornflakes

12 noon-Lilac Sandwidges
1pm-Red Sandwidges
2pm-Orange Sandwidges
3pm-yellow Sandwidges
4pm-Green Sandwidges

5pm-Blue Pizza
6pm-Purple Pizza
7pm-Pink Pizza
8pm-Peach Pizza
9pm- Cream Pizza
10pm-Mint Green Pizza
11pm-Baby Blue Pizza
Midnight-Lilac Pizza

So you should now be able to work out any time with my new and more creative way of telling the time. Here are some examples:

3.20pm= 2 thirds to Green Sandwidge
10:10pm= 5 sixths to Baby Blue Pizza
6:45am=3 twelths to Pink Cornflakes

Next time someone asks you for the time, answer them with this new way of telling the time but give them no explanation and maybe people will start working it out and it could catch on. Try it I dare you.