What does a lesbian look like?

I was in the library yesterday. (shocking I know.) My section of the library is the youth work section but next to my bit are all the books about, relationships and sex and lesbians, and in that section I noticed a book 'What does a lesbian look like?' and although I'm not genrally a fan of books, but this is a book that might have lots of pictures in, so a had a quick flick through, but it was all words! what a stupid book.

I wonder what course you have to do to read that book, and what job you would get after doing that course. can you put 'I know what a lesbian looks like' on your c.v? It's as stupid as a book called 'what does a fart sound like?' or a piece of music called 'what does rubarb taste like?' If I wanted to publish a book called 'what does a lesbian look like?' (which by the way I don't) but if I did I would just google lesbians and then print out the first 20 images.

I was telling this story on the bus and Helen was begging me not to be so loud, so I tryed to wisper the title of the book. There was this man sitting next to me that aparently leaned in so he could try and hear what the title of the book I found so hilarious was.

Election Time

I think it's going to be election time soon, I know because when I cycle to work There's a picture of David Camerons face on a billboard. He must think that putting a giant picture on my way to work will subliminally make me vote for him. It's not that subliminal though, it's pretty bliminal. It doesn't make me want to vote for hime it just makes me think 'Well done David Cameron your face is more attractive than Gordan brown's,' but that's not really an achivement is it.

I'm not a major fan of politics just because I don't think they make it fun and accessable for every one. I mean they have signs everywhere on election day saying 'polling station' and that does sound like a fun adventure place you'd go on a stag night to do a dangerous sport. But in reality voting isn't fun or dangerous, at least not in this country. My Dad took this photo on election day in palestine (2006) though and people seem to be getting more into the spirit of it there:

I also think 16 year olds should be allowed to vote because if your old enough to have sex you should really be allowed to vote. Maybe if you were allowed to vote at 16 soaps would have story lines like this:

Teanage Girl: Mum, I've got some thing to tell you, I made a terrible mistake today, I'm sorry, I was just drunk and not thinking straight....

Mum: what did you do? you're not pregnate are you?

Teanage Girl: No nothing like that, I went into a polling station and voted for the Tory's.

Mum: What!! That's even worse! how could you be so thoughtless? If they get in you'll have to live with the consequences for the rest of your life!!

Teanage Girl: I'm so sorry, it was just the pressure of being old enough to vote, and seeing david camerons face on that billboard, all my freinds were voting for him, I just did it to fit in.

I also think 16 year old should be allowed to buy sparklers as long as they don't light them whilst have sex because that could be dangerous.

I don't Know who I will vote for though, I'm kind of board with labour coz they've been around since I was 11 and I don't remember much politaically before that, and although a lot of people hate the conservertives I don't feel like they've personally wronged me. I think when I was in reception class we might have stoped getting free milk, but don't think I liked cold milk then anyway, so I'm prepaired to forgive them on that one. I think voting for the conservitives might be like having my hair cut short though, I enjoy the novelty of it for a bit but then I'll want it back the way it was.

I think I will conclude my very interlectual political blog post with a list of other more exciting way's to have a election inspired by Phil who suggested Brown and Cameron had a Gym bench fight after reading my previous blog.

1) The top 10 candiates for primeminister go into a big brother style house and one is voted out each week. They are set tasks each week like solve unemployment with only £5000 and a box of toilet roles or rescue the NHS with £3000 a tin of tomatoes and a gun. The winner gets to be priminister.

2) A Thumb War Between Gordan Brown and David Cameron.

3) Gordan Brown and David cameron have to my job, teaching Art to really naughty teenagers that have been expelled, in a falling down building with only a box of broken pencils. Whoever can't take it any longer looses and the other one get to be priminister.

4) The first one who can succesfully get past security and break into number 10 wins, in a 'finders keeper loosers weepers' kind of way.

Dear Tony Blair...

Hey Tony,

I know you've been waiting for my answer to the middle east crisis because it's really your job to sort that whole mess out now, and I know you read my blog. I've been working on this issue in my head for 13 years now ever since I first went to Israel and Palestine in 1997 when I was 11. I remember when I came back I wanted to live there, and I remember thinking a lot about the issues. I once did a gym routine, where I was Benjamin Netenyahou and I made my best friend at the time Frankie be Yassa Arafat and essencially we just had a big fight on those gym benches that are the main componant of primary school gyms. Yassa won, because in my 11 year old logic he was the goodie. political gym routines are where it's at, I'd like to see a lot more of them in the 2012 olympics.

Anyway back to 1997...my solution to the middle east crisis then, was simular to the solution for who had the biggist slice of pizzza in my house. One cuts the other chooses, I even didn't mind the israelis cutting who were not really my favorites of the two sides. I know your not ment to have favorites but our family holiday was a little bit biased, we stayed opposit a palestinian refugee camp and most of the israelis we saw had guns and looked scary. -I loved my non-packaged childhoood family holidays!

Things have come a long way since then and I have made 3 more trips there on my own totalling 4 months living there. Plus I've read a few things and done art based on it, and I even know someone who's babysitter is the neice of Yassa (that's one of my favorite claims to fame, if you don't know who yassa is he's the one that's famous for the 'tea-towl-on-your-head' look, although he's dead now) so with all this political information in my brain I'm now at least as qulified as Tony to do the middle east job, plus I recently watched a Ross Kemp documentary. In that documentary he basically said there are good people who want peace on both sides but there are also a minority on both sides that want to keep fighting...so that's basically 3 groups, and what I realised is there's also 3 bits of land: Israel, the west bank and Gaza.

so the obvious solution is:
Israel is kept just for nice Israelis the kind that just want to eat bagels.
The West Bank is kept for the nice Palestinians the kind that just want to eat falafil
and Gaza can be for the baddies the kind of people who don't care about bagels or falafil the kind that just want to kill each other. After a while all the badies will have killed eachother and the world will be a happy place.

So Tony there's something for you to be getting on with, let me know when it's sorted.
xx

saving the world

I've been quite thinky recently. For my course 'children and young people in society' I have to read a lot of things that say the world is doomed and we are killing our children and no one is happy and our nation is falling apart, it makes me a bit sad some times because it's a bit true, and I see a lot of messed up kids where I work.

I was reading this week about how awlful our current education system is and how bad our childrens spelling and grammer is and I know mine is really bad, but this week I heard a teacher say 'I've been inspirationed by indian music and I want to learn it you' I tryed to be a supportive suport worker, and nod and smile but I couldn't it was just too funny.

I feel like I am nearly at a point at which I know how I could save the world but not quite, my thought so far are that if everyone spent more time playing board games with friends and family that would at least slow down our society from meeting it's impending doom. I bought two board games from charity shops this week so I definatly feel like I'm doing my bit to save the world.

I wrote this blog attually a while ago, since then I have come up with a plan to save the middle east which I will share next time.

snow

I've decided today is my last day of being in my early 20s as tommorrow I am 24 and that is definatly mid 20s. I never really feel overly old or overly young because of the way your perspective changes as you grow up. for example I remember the first time I heard the abba lyric ' Dancing queen....something something...only 17' and thinking 'only 17! that's anchent'

Anyway I've had my midlife crisis already. I think that was when I was turning 14 or 15 and I realised I couldn't wear orange jeans forever. I hated the thought of beeing older when I was younger because there was a definate divide between adults and children and having birthdays was like joining the enemy.

There has been a lot of snow recently, possible the longist lasting I have ever seen. It started on the day I had my driving theory test, which I went into town for and then couldn't get the bus back because all got cancelled. On the way back I passes some people having a snowball fight, who looked far to old for that kind of stuff but it turned out they were my friends and I was invited to join, by the new method of invitation that only aplies in snow: everyone thowing snowballs at your window.

On Wednesday I got the day off work after a long conversation with my boss who I eventually realised couldn't tell me not to come in but was trying to subtly tell me, to tell him ,I couldn't come in. but I really wasn't getting it.

I went on a trip to sefton park with other people who had got the day off. I managed to put my foot in what I percived to be a frozen lake, straight after laughing at Jon for doing the same.

p.s I've discoved the perfect murdor wepon: a pointy icycle because it will melt away leaving no evedence.

Oliver Outie and Isobel Innie

I've started writing a childrens book, called 'The adventures of Oliver Outie and Isobel Innie' I doubt I will finish it as it is the third book I've started this year, the first one I started was about a cake decorator who was also secreatly a robot along with 5% of the population who were robots two, they had to go to secret meeting where they learn to be humans, and the other one I started was where 5 scally teanagers from liverpool in a behaviour problems class, do an school exchange with 5 palestinian teenages, so first it has their letters to eachother and then it's got their diarys while their visiting eachother.


I might finish them at some point but I only started them to pass time while I'm working in the gallery, (the same reason I started this blog) and I get to the stage where I might have to do some reserch or some work out side of the gallery and I get board and give up.


so anyway back to my childrens book it doesn't work that well without pictures but heres the first bit:


"This is the world we live in, it is round like a ball, with some bits that stick out like mountains, and some bits that go in like canyons.


but imagain if you lived in a world where things only stick out, or imagain living n a world where things only go in. This is what it's like for Oliver Outie and Isobel Innie.

Oliver outie has a sticky out nose with no nosterals and a sticky out belly with a sticky out belly button.

Isobel Innie has 2 nostrals but no nose, and a skinny belly with a innie belly button.

Oliver Outie lives on the top of a great big mountain in outie world.
Isobel Innie lives in a deep dark cave in innie world.

Oliver Outie is trapped on the outside of outie world and Isobel Innie is traped on the inside of innie world. but what they don't know is that innie world is inside outie world, and if Oliver Outie took the time took dig a hole a few meters down in his mountain he would end up in Isobel Innie's Cave, but even if he thought of doing this it wouldn't be possible, because there's no such thing as holes in Outie world..."

I got this far and then my head got confused with all the things that would and wouldn't be possible. It has the potential to be a sex education book though.

Hello Mr English Salad

Do you like the new song I wrote, some people might think it is simular to 'bye bye miss american pie' but they would be wrong. in fact it is the exact opposite of that song.

Hello Mr English Salad,
Walked my chicken to the desert but the desret was flooded,
those bad young women were eating water and sausage,
shouting 'this won't be the night that I live'
'This won't be the night that I live!'

I started a bit more song writery in my head today, I like writing songs about things that are going on in my life, I think real life song writers do that too. although the difference between me and a real life song writers is my life is mainly filled with everyday stuff and seems to be less filled with romantic dramas than the average pop song writer's.

So today I was filling a gap in the market by writing a song about Tax. It is to the tune of that song from Juno with only two cords in.

I hate the tax office and they hate Me-ee
I've got two jobs and I'm doing a degree-ee
I't not really a good time to become self employed..
bu-ut.

I shouldn't carry on being a tax dodger
this year I'm renting, last year I was a lodger
I'm the most complitacated person to fill out those forms

I hate forms coz I've got dyslexia,
when I look at them I am perplexed, oh yeah,
That's not a bad ryhme for someone with a reading age of 12,
point 4.

du du du du du du du du du du du,
du du du du du du du du du du du,
du du du du du du du du du du du,
duuuuu.

I hope you know the tue I'm on about or else you might stuggle with the all th Du-ing.