Happy Birthday Dan

This is the birthday card I made for Dan showing his perfect day, I'm not sure how readable the writng is but the people on it are him, me Jakie chan who is doing an underwater kick and saying 'take that, lobster!' Claude debussy is saying 'bon anniversair' (because he's french) Tom Waits is saying 'great music Dan' and lydia is climbing the mountains in the background.

The day started with me blowing up ballons and drawing letters on them with marker pen that spelled out Happy 23rd Birthday Daniel. I didn't quite get the reaction I was hoping for when I hid and he opened the door to find the ballons blowing around in the wind. he just looked confused and still asleep. He woke up after I made him a nice cooked breakfast. Our plan was to go shoping and he could choose some clothes as a present from me, but I forgot that how men shop is so logical we went to the first shop he saw some jeans he liked he tryed them on and I bought them, and then we went shoping for his favorite cearel (marks and spencers tripple chocolate crunch.) So that was his birthday shoping trip over in half an hour and then we went to have tea at leaf the weird tea shop that Joy works in I had turkish apple and he had silver pine needles. mine was far nicer.

We discused these important questions:

1) If you had a band and you had to name it after a city what would you call it? (this question was inspired by Dan's C.d by a band called 'beiruit')

Dan's answer: Geneva

Han's answer: Ramalla

2) If you had to name a child after something on the tea menu what would you call it?

Han's answer: Jasmine Pearl

Dan's answer: oolong or Rubois I can't remember.

A Funny and unrelated thing that happened today is that I got another letter from the Devils of Wrath and Pain (DWP) I wrote to them in January saying basically they're idiots and if they've overpaid it's your fault and tough luck you're not getting it back and then I listed a lot of reasons why. Since then they have sent me 4 letters saying we're thinking about it and today they sent me a 9 page long letter saying someone else in glasgow is thinking about it now. It seems I have managed to use their burocracy against them. Mwah ha ha ha. I'd love to see them and T.V lisancing in a fight.

Buttons and Ribbons

Does anyone else ever think 'I've got a day off today and to treat myself for earning a bit more than usual this week I will go to a cool fabric wearhouse and spend £4 on buttons?' I think it was after an hour of reajusting the buttons and tissue paper in the scanner that I thought 'this is not normal' I've got a lot of other plans for my buttons though I've already made a hairband and two necklaces and I'm planning on redecorating my bag with then soon, hours of entertainment for only £4! bargain.

The good thing about the nacklaces as well is that I manged to eoncorperate my norwedgen krones, coins with holes in, that I collected up whilst in norway, I love it when I find a use for something that I've been hording for a while some of my top recyling has been a mobile made from the metal ring of a lamp shade (a baby mobile obviously not a mobile phone, I'd be a genius if I could make a phone from a lamp shade) I also made a wax burner (for melting wax to use in batic) from a metal sweetie tin. However I still haven't found a use for hundreds of tiny paper pots for ketchup that I gradually stole from macdonals over a few years. Any suggestions?

I think this new button obsesion must mean I'm offically at the end of my ribbon obsesion of 2008. That all started because I was in charge of decorating the concert venue for a Revelation rock-gospel choir concert, and I decided to buy 80 meters of ribbon to make a ribbon web that hung from the celing. If you are ever in the situation of carrying 80 meters of ribbon in a plastic bag on the handle bars of your bike and the tyre rips a hole in the bag here's a tip:

Although some motorists maybe quite cultured in everyday life they, do not always apreciate an astheticly beauty explosion of colour in the road, esspecially if the ribbons tangle up in the bike gears and esspecially at a junction. Sad but true.

So anyway after I'd used the ribbons once I ironed then out and used them again, and again...and again. Infact they were a major conponant the 3rd year of my fine art degree. I've also used them in card making and I even made some tedy clothes with them as a 4th birthday present for Maisie. I did love my ribbons but I think 2009 will be all about the buttons.

p.s I hope this blog doesn't turn into the kind of blog where grannys swop craft tips. That would make me very sad, I will keep an eye on the ageing situation, I have to confess I've enjoyed radio 2 this year and Dan even had radio 4 on in the car yesterday. 23 is definatly too young for the menopause!

Three things

Three things have made me laugh a bit since I last bloged, (well the second one made me think arahh I am going to be responsible for someones death and I will loose my job, but afterwards when no one died it was a bit funny)

I like that there's three thing, all goood sermons have three point and a lot of good things come in threes. Although I don't everyone agrees with that, like Anne Bolynne for example she probabley wasn't thrilled to have three nipples. But as I am one of three, I like things that come in threes like all those tri words: triangle, triclyle, the trinity, trifull...

anyway the three things that made me laugh:

1) funnyness with Dan,
we were both in a silly mood on thursday night and the conversation got quite surreal...I asked him how his day was, and then wasn't very good at listening to the answer so he said 'why don't you just tell me how you think my day should have gone?' so I did, it involved him unicyling 17 miles to work and his boss telling him he can have more money and more holidays and then him cooking a roast and inviting round me, and his heros Tom Waits, Clade debussy and Jakie Chan (Jakie Chan is a man by the way not a scouce woman who has 5 granchildren and is in her 40s like I always imagain when I think of the name Jakie)

Then he told me about how my day should have gone, he said I should have had a good lie in, then got up and painted myself with paint that made me invisable on all my body except my head and feet, and then cycled round the park freeking people out and then found a big art studio and talked to the person in charge who wants to give me a huge space for free, and then I went for the roast dinner at his with his heros and I would bring Brother Andrew, Jamie Oliver and Ellen Macarther.

After a lot more sillyness we made up this joke:
What did the embro say to the test tube baby?
Get a womb!

ok it's not that funny but making up jokes is hard alright.

2) Being a very bad behavioural support worker.
I was cycling to work yesterday and overtook someone who then said 'OI HANNAH!' and I realised it was one of my students, I was about 3/4 of the way there so ther was about a mile to go to get to work, and without really thinking at all I said 'race yer' not a sensible thing to say to a 14 year old boy who isn't wearing a helmet and is smoking whist ridding, I then went through a main dule carrageway junction when the lights were green/orange and he went trough on red. That's when I had images of me apologising to his parents at his funeral. We continued cycling I was ahead but I was more worrying about him than trying to win and then in the last hundred meters he overtook me, once I realised he wasn't going to die I got back to the important task of winning by saying first to touch the door as I was touching it.

3) A funny film.
I saw a funny film at the cinama last night it was called 'in the loop' and it was a political comedy about some not very good MPs my favorite line was when one of the MPs said 'it's not easy peasy lemon squeezy, its difficult....difficult lemon difficult, I'm not sure why that made me laugh that much it just did. Will's favorite line was 'you're like a Nazi Julie Andrews'

Goin' on a sick one

I think 'going on a sick one' is an atual complement I think it means 'Hannah the art teacher is compitant at circus skills and I very much enjoyed my lesson on drawing movement.' That's what I will take it to mean anyway.

Poker

I played serious poker last night, I've never played 'serious poker' before I've only ever played 'girl poker' which is when your main aim is to distract everyone playing poker and ruin the poker game so you can do somthing more fun. It's a more creative game, you get girl poker points for dealing in a comedy fashion, doing silly knocks on the table when you checking, and going all in randomly when your fed up and want the game to end, the winner of 'girl poker' is the person who can ruin the game so much that the serious poker players get board and everyone decideds to do something more interesting.

But last night I played 'serious man poker' at Luke's, this was sort of like my punishment for tricking Dan into waching sliding doors with me the previous night (I mean the film sliding doors, I didn't just make him watch automatic doors somewhere) I had a little bit of pre-poker fun by buying a packet of toblrone cookies in Asda whilst wearing a sombrero, that was a dare from Will, It's not the first time I've been to a supermaket in fancy dress, but I didn't get esscorted out by security this time which was a bonous.

I attually played sensibliy mainly because there were no other girls for me to play girl poker with, infact at one point last night it was just me and 9 men. (Please never quote that out of context.) I came a very respectable 3rd. but my proudest moment was when I'd folded and I was just practising my face reading skills by staring Luke out and said I think he has a queen and a 10 and I was right!

Smoking in the womb harms your mother

This blog is dedicated to Rachel Goodsall on account of her quiting smoking. she choose to go cold turkey over 4 months ago and to my knowledge has not smoked since. Cold turkey is a method of quiting where by everytime you are tempted to smoke you choose to nibble a cold turkey sandwidge instead, although she is now smoke free she has now developed an addiction to tukeys and has been spotted in various mersyside farms with an axe trying to get a turkey fix. If you are reading this and you are a turkey BEWARE! you may think that April is a safe month for you, you're wrong.

I would like to publish the slogans from a poster campain written by me and Dan that helped Rachel to quit, in the hope that other will be inspired. I personally think the govelment should buy our campain off us and print it on ciggarette boxes.

(Disclamer: there is a large selection of slogans in varing degrees of truth most of which aren't very P.C, if you think you might be offened then....you're just being too easily offended.)

- If you take a puff....you are a puff

- Hitler endorsed Smoking .....You killed the Jews

- Fags contain the bones of tourshed children and Brocolli

- The average smoker spends 3 grand a year on breath freashening mints

-76% of smokers give birth to 3 legged babies

-100% of smokers DIE!

-For every Fag you smoke the gap in the ozone layer grows by 300 square miles

-If you stop smoking you will be abble to play the harp

-smoke on earth...smoke in Hell

-99.4% of murders smoke

-94.2% of smokers murder

-smoke particles are made from microscopic sized Hitlers

-86% of the population would rather marry Osama Bin Laden than a smoker

-When you smoke every living thing within a 3 mile radius dies!

-68% of smokers die before they are born

-Smoking in the womb harms your mother.

Am I from the Ghetto?

The best news I've heard this week is that 1000 canabis plants were discovered in a raid on Burton Green, my home village. I've always wanted to come from a ghetto I this week I was one step closer to acheving my dream.

I never really gave much thought to my social class until I was about 18 and I changed social groups. Before that I was normal, I went to a regular comprehensive school where I belived that anyone who lived in a better area than me was a bit posh and had an unessisary amount of money and anyone who lived in a worse area than me was a bit of a tramp, but I was very normal and average.

When I was 18 I left school I went to do an art foundation course at coventry university and at the same time I moved from my family church to a church on the edge of the city center by a bit of a dodgy esstate. Suddenly I wasn't avarage anymore I was comparitavly posh and I didn't like it. There was another girl on my course that was from a village and the drugie chavs took the mic out of her a lot, she did make it worse for herself by talking about her ponies though. From that point on I always tryed to appear a bit more ghetto than I attually am. Like when I came to liverpool and people asked me where I was from I always said covenrty even though my official address is warwickshire. So that's why I'm so glad that there's been a drugs raid in my village it's another thing to add onto the 'for' catogorie on the 'Am I from the ghetto? list' which looks like this:

Against:

-For 13 years I lived in a village made up of four roads, I regualy saw tractors and horses on my street and one family from my street even had a horse and cart.

-My parents own a croquay set

-My Dad went to boarding school and cambridge university

-My sister is studying to be a doctor

-I went to a primary school that was so small, two years were taught together.

-My mum has an M.A

- I've got a degree

-My next door neighbor had a small swimming pool

- I once rode in a helicopter

- My Dad knew someone who serriously used the phrase 'whato' without any sarcasm

-My grandparents regulary used a butter knife, not just when guests came, all the time!




For

- Until I was six I lived in coventry (not warwickshire)

- I was in a rap band when I was 10

-I had my name and address taken down by the police when I was 10

- My secondary school was on the news for being the first school to use sniffer dogs to sort out drug problems.

-When I was 19 I comitted a crime that if I got caught I would have got 6 months in prison.

-I once smoked apple tobacco from a bong

-I once went to a refugee camp (it was the third most hostile enviroment I've ever been in after the school bus and the massive prixmark just before christmas)

-I've live in a house that had bullet holes in the window frame (in palestine)

-I was offered crack in the red light district of ampsterdam

- I've been on the dole.

- I know a lot of young offenders.

-My house was once broken and my flat mate was threatened with a knife in his bed.

-1000 canabis plants were discovered in a raid on my village!