Naked Cyclists and the Poo Removal Man.

 Hello, this is a blog about what I hope is the second half of my weird time in England waiting for a visa. Hopefully this week I will be back in the sunshine with the family.

I'm back for "10 to 15 working days or maybe more"- thanks for being specific french consulate. It's 3 weeks today since I left France, but because I don't think the day of the appointment counts, and because of the silly queen holidays I think today is only the 12th working day.

So I've been traveling around seeing people and working on getting my old house nice to rent out. I went to Bradford and Newcastle (see previous blog) and then I went canal boating with my parents.

My parents spent 5 weeks traveling less far than I did when I went to newcastle for 24 hours. If you can't decide whether you want to stay at home or go on holiday, canal boats are a great way of doing neither. For my parents this is a good compromise, my Dad loves sailing and adventure and my mum likes to stay at home and unnecessarily label things that don't need labelling. 

So I joined my parents for two days of their journey from Manchester to Runcorn, I got the train in and found them at a cool marina in New Islington which is pretty central. We went out for a meal on the first night and as we were eating, about 100 naked cyclist cycled past! I'm not sure if it was a protest or like just a fun activity, but I saw so many old people's bums.

The next day we were up early to go through the center of Manchester. There are so many cool and fast ways to travel down hill: skiing, slides, go carts, or if you're in a canal boat you can spend ages cranking open a underwater door in a lock, waiting for the water levels to be the same, then opening the lock to allow to boat in, before closing the lock. Then doing it all again 10 times until you've gone through the centre of Manchester slightly down hill.

The nice marina where we started

We went through some dodgy bits, there was this tunnel that is often a place people go to take drugs or partake in "lewd, obscene or sexual behaviour" This surprised me a bit because I thought that with the invention of dating apps people could arrange to have sex in nicer places, and didn't just have to wait around in tunnels anymore. 

We went right past the comedy store, which made me a bit sad. I was really lucky to do a gig there right at the beginning of my time of properly trying to be a comedian(2018)  and then I eventually got offered a paid 20 minute slot which I was excited about and then covid happened. 

The Comedy Store

Big respect to all my comedian friends for just continuing to put yourself out there, when progress seems very slow. You get the occasional moments of being like "this is the best thing in the world" but mainly it's just a lot of hard work and driving. For me I was working so hard that when covid hit I was pleased for a break and then I just never properly went back, and when the France opportunity came along I thought this is the next adventure for me. But there is a bit of me that is sad not to be doing it still. I like that the france thing it's a whole family thing not just me going out on my own at night. Although it's pretty ironic that I'm now here on my own.

Once we got out of Manchester it was a lot more how I imagine canal boating to be, lovely villages and fields of cows. No more watching my mum awkwardly step over a sleeping homeless person to do a lock. We stoped at Streford marina to fill up with fuel and empty the poo tank. You pay an old guy £15 to suck it out the boat with a big see-through hose so you can see it all. Eww. While he was doing that I cheeky asked him if this was the job he dreamed of doing when he was a child. He told me he has achieved his all his life goals. He is really into playing the flute and he managed to buy the best flute there is for 19 thousand pounds. I asked if he was in an orchestra, and he said no he just plays it on his canal boat in the evenings. It just goes to show you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. I always think of the flute as in instrument played by 12 year old girls (sorry) but now I will think of it as an instrument played by an old man who pumps out people's poo in the day. He seemed genuinely happy with his life so good on him. I was once told that I look more like a dancer than a comedian and I'm still trying to work out if that was a complement.

Originally I was going to join my parents for 4 days but I had a lot if extra work to do on my old house so I cut it short to two days, but then when my sister Jo and her husband said they were planning a kid free trip to alton towers on one of those days I decided if I worked really hard for one day I could squeeze in an alton towers trip, sorry parents, but canal boating is like the slowest ride ever and I need more excitement than that. 

Last time I went I was 18 and Oblivion was the newest coolest ride. It's a roller coaster with one massive drop where you art stuck at the top for a bit tilting over the edge and then do a fast vertical drop into a hole in the ground. Last time I went, we queued for hours to go on that for about 1 minute, but now that ride is old and not that bigger deal. So we got there first and there was no queue at all for it, we actually could have stayed on and gone round twice. I've never been on a normal not peek times day before, it was so good! We didn't wait more than 20 minutes for anything and we went on all the big ones. I really like this one called Rita because it's different to a lot of roller coasters, most start by slowly going up and then have a drop, but this starts by going really really fast- 0-60 in 2.5 seconds.  I also liked this one called 13 because it was a surprise, you go round and it's just like a normal roller coaster, and then you think it's ended and then you drop down a level so you're underground and then go backwards in the dark. If you haven't been on it I've just ruined that surprise for you.

Jo and Elisha next to Nemisis, my favourite ride from the early 00's 

My next days were working on the house which was boring an annoying, the builders hadn't done anything for two weeks and all this time we're paying the mortgage and council tax on an empty house. and I had one random day of work teaching drawing skills in a primary school which I actually really enjoyed. That evening I went out drinking with my school run chums in a caravan in my friend Steve's garden. It was the best combination of going to the pub and camping where we all had a good time and then I slept over, but unlike real camping I had the key to get in the house and use a real toilet in the morning. 

Next blog I will write about Helen's wedding I was going to write about it now but, it deserves it's own blog.

Solo Parenting

 A lot has happened since I last wrote, between us, me and Dan have been to 5 countries! We are in the middle of a strange month where apart from a day and a half, me and Dan will not be seeing each other and the kids will just have one parent at a time. If there's mistakes in this blog it's because Dan isn't here to proofread it, apologies.

Dan's company is based in the Czech Republic and although he works online and wasn't being forced to go there, we decided he should take the opportunity to go on an expenses paid work trip there. The timing and the travel there were pretty annoying though. This all happened just before I had to go back to the UK to get my visa, and at the same time Dan's parents came for a visit. He had to go to Burno which is the second biggest Czech city after Prague. We spent a long time researching how he would get there. It sort of seems like it would be easier now, that there's no sea between us and the rest of Europe, but even though the distance from Liverpool to Burno is the same as the distance from Perpignan to Burno flights would have been easier from the uk. The best he could do was a train from Saint feilu d'amont (our village) to Perpignan, then a train to Barcelona, then a taxi from the station to the airport, then a plane from Barcelona to Vienna (Austria) then a bus from the airport to the train station, an then a train the Burno. because of all the extra waiting around in between traveling, the total journey time was 15 hours it would have took 17 hours to drive.

So I had a week without Dan, beginning with my first drive without him, just driving the mile back from our local train station, it felt weird but it was fine I managed to avoid driving into a ditch which is my main fear on those little roads. Two days later I decided to go for a much more ambitious drive to the big shop, to get in some supplies before Dan's parents arrived. I was pretty terrified but the reward of having a bit of kid free time in the clothes shop next to the big supermarket was enough to motivate me. The big shop is 3 villages west. We're sort of near a big main road between the mountains and the sea. So everywhere you can go easily is east of west rather than north or south. So the drive is very simple to navigate but terrifying to do for the first time on your own.

It totally was worth it though, I got 2 nice tops and a pair of shorts from the fun clothes shop and even managed to ask to keep the hangers in Mench (mime and french) and I got a load of food.

Later on that week Dan's parents came to visit, it was a badly timed trip where they hardly saw their own son, but it was great to have them,  because even though Dan's mum is from the opposite end of France, they have still traveled round this area lots and know some cool places. The kids actually had a few days off school when they were there too because ascension day, means two days off school in France, plus Wednesdays are off anyway, so it was a two day week all thanks to Jesus. I bet it took him less time to go back to heaven than it takes to go from Perpignan to Burno.

The first full day they were there was the only coat day I've had since moving to France. It was grey and a bit rainy just like England. They decided we should go on this yellow train up a mountain. My french mother in law bought the tickets, and although I was trying to listen in for language practise neither me or my father in law picked up that the train options were: go up the mountain for a hour and they stay all day somewhere where there isn't loads to do or have 4 minutes to change train and come back again. So we were a little disappointed to just be on a train for two hours, but on the way back we switched to the outdoor bit of the train which although cold actually was like ridding a roller coaster through beautiful scenery. On a nicer day it would be incredible.

They also took us to hot springs, which was like an outdoor pool that was bath temperature, it would have been a bit weird on a hot day but it was the perfect cold day activity. I'm going to go back for my birthday in January when the pool will be surrounded by snow. I hate having a winter birthday, I'm just not a winter person, the last two summer I've put on a weekend festival in my garden and people always ask "what's it for?" what are you celebrating? and it's not celebrating anything, I guess I'm just a big party animal trapped in the body of a mum of two with a winter birthday married to an introvert. 

But maybe from now on I can do snow based activities on my birthday. Did you hear my business idea "wizzney land?" I feel like I must have written about it before. It's snow fun for people who can't be bothered to learn to ski or think they're not posh enough, and want to just mess around on tires and sledges while learning nothing.

That was a tangent...So anyway the next day we went to a mountain/hill you can drive up and see the view over everywhere! you can see our local mountain our village and all the villages near, and you can see right out to the sea. It's very windy but spectacular. There was actually a bit more snow on our mountain, from the previous cold day but by lunch time it had gone again. When we arrived in April there was a good amount of snow still but by the day I left there were just tiny lines of snow like cracks. I wonder what month the snow will come back again.

For a long weekend we went to a holiday park 5 minutes walk from the sea. It was like a little mobile home with a really good pool with water slides and palm trees. It was a strange feeling being kind of on holiday, but also being half an hour from my house, and then Dan not being there and feeling stressed about going back to England to get the visa very soon after that. I tried to relax the best I could but it was quite odd. One evening after the kids were in bed I went out to the beach to explore, they had the festival of islands on, with music and stalls from Tahiti and those kinds of places. They had a big stage with a screen and projected onto it was a beautiful image of a white sandy beach. But that screen was blocking the almost as good beach of Argeles. I don't know if anyone else found it ironic. Part of the festival was  cooking a whole pig under the sand somehow. I don't know how but it involved hot coals and a lot of foil.

The beach they covered up behind a picture of another beach

We collected Dan from the main train station just before midnight on the Saturday so we had Sunday together at the holiday park, before I headed back to England late on Monday night.

I got the plane very late on Monday night, back from Barcelona at the same time as Dan's parents. The plane was delayed by a bit more than an hour which was annoying given that there was already such a long wait before boarding. but coming back and hearing some of the news stories about flights being cancelled, I feel so lucky to have got back at all. My visa appointment was the next morning and if I'd have missed that it would have been a disaster. I wouldn't be able to get another appointment until about august and by that time some of our documents would have expired. and I can't just come back in august because Dan can't take august off work to look after the kids. He can only do it now because they're in school and even then he has to take Wednesdays off work. 

I got to bed at my parents house in cheshire around 2:30 AM and set several alarms so as not to miss the appointment. I still have my car here, but my parents aren't here they on their canal boat traveling on the Leeds Liverpool canal. I got to the appointment which was really horrible, the stress of knowing that if I had forgotten something or done something wrong I would not be able to see Dan and the boys for months was horrible. I parked somewhere I might get finned for because in the grand scheme of things a parking fine is not important. There were severals things they did not like about my application. Firstly it was on cream paper not white paper and that was not acceptable to them. Secondly my photos were wrong and need to be taken again. but it got sorted the lady said it would work and then sent me to get my finger prints taken.

The next few days I was back in Liverpool trying to get my old house nice and all painted white for the new tenants. An estate agent have taken over the house and are putting in a new kitchen. So I've been painting for a few days and I've been lucky enough to go and visit a local friends every lunch time and tea time including my old rabbit Lola, still going strong after nearly 9 years!

I've had a bit of a falling out with the estate agents, they were pretty rude and unprofessional to me and it was stressful to try and resolve it. It's semi resolved now but I am a bit worried they will do the equivalent of a waiter spitting in some soup, like leave a dead fish behind some plasterboard or something. Does this happen? Do all professions have an equivalent thing they do when they're annoyed? I did once talk about putting a secret rude message on a mural that you could only see under an ultra violet light.

At the weekend I organised a bit of a get together with two families I know from the school run at my parents river house. 80% of the children didn't fall in the river. That's good isn't it? I just checked and you only need to get 70% to get a first class degree. So I'm sure all the parents were pleased with my first class play date. The oldest child 10 year old Rosie, wanted to try out kayaking but wasn't very confident in the kayak, she had never done it before and didn't know how to use the paddle. I should have given her an on land lesson first but instead I offered to go in with her. I was sort of squatting down behind her because there wasn't quite room for both of us, and this actually worked fine and wasn't a terrible idea. 

We went down the river a tiny bit and then a canal boat came past, it was going pretty fast for the world's slowest boat. This made some waves which we copped with ok, we faced them head on and we were fine. We tuned round to head back and then suddenly- I don't know how, I was in the water. and then she was in the water which was a much bigger deal because she was already panicked just about being in a boat. This is the first time I've ever unintentionally fallen in that river. I was wearing full clothes and shoes and a non waterproof watch. Thankfully we both had life jackets on but Rosie was trapped under the boat, her head went full under, she swallowed a mouthful of river water and shouted "I'm going to die!" 

I managed to pull the boat off her and push her towards the edge, we were only meters away from my parent's neighbours decking so we just climbed out there and she went to go and get changed. I then needed to rescue the boat and paddle which were floating away so I just jumped back in and swam them back to our decking.

The day ofter that I did a little job painting a mural of a pokemon on a kids wall, in between painting my own house. that was a pretty full on day but now I'm off on my UK tour, last night I visited my sister Jo in Bradford. We went to a very quircky cafe today where she ate ice cream in a yorkshire pudding with chocolate gravy. It actually tastes kind of like eating an eclair. 

Then I went to Gateshead to visit my good friend Lydia and her family. It was her mission to convert me to the north east, and she did a good job, they do have much better beaches than the northwest, and they took me surfing! 

I loved surfing, I'd love to get into it but our bit of sea (the med) is not wavey enough. It was an off and on British sunny day, Lydia offered me suncream, Ha I thought I don't need suncream I've just spent a month in the south of France, your northern sun can't touch me....

The tour continues with 2 days on the canal boat with my parents a trip to alton towers and a visit to Wiltshire for a wedding. (and a few days of work) and then I really hope I can go back to France and seeing Dan and the boys. Poor Dan has had virtually no contact with any adult humans. He's definitely owed a very big lie in when I'm back. Obviously I'm missing them and missing the sun (I did not bring enough warm clothes here) but I'm trying to make the most of all the things I was missing about England, like roads I can drive on easily, British TV, better milk, baked beans and hallomi. 

Thanks for reading this far!

P.s If anyone wants to buy a 2007 Toyota Auris off me for £1000 let me know.

French School

The boys started school on Monday, they seemed pretty chilled about the idea of starting, as if it was just normal. We kept telling them they'd be great and we didn't expect anything of them, we just wanted them to go in and give it a try. We have been doing some youtube French with them over the last 6 months and last week we were going over the French alphabet.

The day before they got a bit nervous. I think Percy especially started realising that it was quite a big deal, he said, "I've not got enough French in me," but they were excited too. I was slightly worried that we'd get there and the school wouldn't be aware they were starting today and they would be turned away. Mainly because I had a whole day of lounging planned, my first day to relax in weeks, maybe months.

They we're pretty excited when they woke up and at 8:30 all four of us headed off. 

At 8am I decided it wasn't shorts weather, by the time we left at 8:30 it was shorts weather.

The school is just 5 minutes walk away. It's the only school in the village, and the French have a revolutionary system of everyone going to their nearest school. You go to your Mairie (town hall/one stop shop) and ask to be given a school place and they give you one. No one chooses a school (unless you want some kind of special school) this means the longest anyone is walking to our school is 10 minutes, so most people walk, but there's also a parent car park which has more spaces than there are cars. This is a massive revelation for me because their old primary school had a car park so small that not even all the teachers could park in it. I didn't realise it until now, but the school run used to be pretty stressful. Me and Percy went by bike, with Eric in a trailer and everyday we had to do a little bit where we turn right off a busy main road. I felt like we risked our lives a little bit everyday. Once a wheel did come off the trailer and a few times cars were impatient and got too close to us. Cars were parked all over the place near the school, people would come half an hour early to get the best spots and if we ever drove it took so long getting out of there. So to walk for 5 minutes on a quiet road is a dream.

The school is really small, I'm not sure how many kids but less than 100 and about 20 per class. We got to the school gates and a man on the door said "Percy and Eric?" which was great! I was so happy my day of lounging had been confirmed ... I mean happy for my kids to be educated. They pointed to where Eric needed to go and Dan took him, which left me without my translator to sort Percy out. Fortunately his teacher has very good English, unfortunately she's only his teacher on a Monday. They didn't really say a lot, they just showed him the classroom and he took a seat right by the door and then I had to just leave him, which was weird. Dan said Eric went really silent before he left.

The school day is very different to how it is in English schools. In this school (and I think this is pretty standard) they go in from 8:45 to 4:30, which is a long day, but they have a 1 hour 45 break for lunch and they never go in on a Wednesday. For this term at least they will come home for lunch. This was really great on the first day for them to know it's only until 12:15 and then you can come back for a break from all the French before the afternoon lessons. There's also a morning play time and unlike in Liverpool the kids are all on the same playground at the same time, so Percy and Eric can play with each other.

While they were in I got on with some lounging. I also hung some pictures on the wall and tried to sort out the kitchen being fitted in our old house.

I'm actually not topless here, it's just a weird angle where you can't see the bikini.

When we picked them up for lunch Percy's teacher told us that there was a trip for him tomorrow! It was to Colloiure where we had just been that weekend. That meant he would be with strangers all day, without coming back for lunch, and we had to somehow buy insurance for both boys. Not just for the trip, but for the whole rest of the year. It's like public liability insurance in case they hurt themselves in school. That was pretty random.

On the first day Percy said he didn't know what lesson he was in, but after further questioning we think the lesson was a maths lesson about angles. I wish they would give him a maths sheet with just sums on it, he'd love that and he's good at maths, but apparently all the maths questions were sentences.

Eric gets a quiet time after lunch where he can have a nap, or if not he has to just be calm. They have a little room with cot sized bunk beds for all the kids. The class room is very nice, it quite like what he's used to, there's a little toy shop and toy kitchen and the room is attached to a bigger cafeteria where all the kids who stay in for lunch eat. That's also the same place where you can go to a Wednesday club if you want. He was very chuffed when he came out at the end of the day because it was another boy's birthday which meant he got a party bag of sweets. We were very proud of them both for getting through the first day.

We were a bit concerned for Percy and the trip, it's great he was going out doing something practical, they were climbing a hill and seeing a castle. It was a full day of strangers for him. At home time we saw the bus arrive and kids began getting off it. We couldn't see Percy anywhere and I was slightly worried they'd left him in Collioure, but it turns out he was in a window seat and the kid next to him had fallen asleep and Percy didn't know how to get out. Aww bless him. 

By Wednesday they were happy to have a day off. We did some English home schooling, Percy learnt the difference between your, you're, there, their and they're, and Eric learned the phonics sound "oi" as in foil, soil, coin. In the afternoon Dan dropped us off in Ille-sur-Tet. I drove for practice (I haven't yet driven without him in the car). We'd been to Ille-sur-Tet before, but not to this particular lookout spot which was incredible and the photos really don't do it justice.

We went for a bit of a wander too, off the main road scrambling up some rocks looking out for lizards and stuff, (there was one in our garden the other day). We found what I first thought was abandoned furniture, but later realised was beehives!

On Thursday Percy's class were learning English, so he got taken out to learn the French alphabet with one other kid, a Ukrainian girl who I'm guessing has just fled the Ukraine. We were told he'll get those lessons every morning, so I think that will help, and I'm impressed that the school can do that for him. I've signed up to go on two school trips next week! Eric's class is going to the next door village for some kind of sports day and Percy's class is doing forest school. I'm sure I'll be no help at all, but it will be good to meet other parents and maybe pick up a bit of French, and every time I put myself in embarrassing situations it's all good material, for all those comedy gigs I don't do anymore. Maybe for our podcast that I haven't got round to editing yet.

Today (Friday) Percy was not that happy to be going into school again, but at lunch time pick up his teacher was telling me he is good at maths. They finally gave him a worksheet with questions just in numbers. She said he can bring in an English reading book too, which he's very happy about. I tried to tell her he is good at reading, but I could remember the word for reading so I said, "he look at book good," like an absolute idiot.

I'm enjoying trying to get myself into a little routine when the kids are in school. So far I've been dropping them off at 8:45 then trying to get in a bit of exercise before it gets too hot. I went for a run a couple of times, and today I cycled 2 villages east to Le Soler. I bought a baguette and some kind of half bread half popadom with sugar on and cycled back, only stopping to take a photo of the funnest bus stop I've ever seen. 

For the rest of my mornings I do a bit of house work while listening to a learn French audio book, it's hot enough to dry three washes a day which is very exciting! I have a few other French learning things I do too. The kids are back for lunch and we've tried doing the main meal then, it means less washing up and stuff in the evening. 

In the afternoon I've tried to make some time for creative stuff like blogging or painting, but there is always boring stuff to do too. Today we had to collect a parcel from a place 10 mins away, so I drove for driving practice. I'm getting better but Dan is away in the Czech republic a week tomorrow for work and I don't feel ready to be driving them around places yet.

At least I've discovered we do have a corner shop in walking distance, so we won't starve. It's a mixture of a pub, a coffee shop and a corner shop. It doesn't sell a lot, just a really weird selection of stuff, but if you're in the market for a baguette, a mood ring, a bit of dried pig (possibly it's face), and a frozen fish that still looks like a fish, it really is the best place. 

A la prochaine.

Surprising Dan

Hey. Thanks for reading my recent moving to France blogs, it's been hard making time to write them and everyday I don't finish it more stuff happens, so they get longer. But they've all had a good response and a lot of views, so I really appreciate that. After this one I'll go back to my normal frequency of just writing them whenever.

Birthdays

So we moved into our new house on 23rd April. Dan's birthday is inconveniently 30th April and Eric's birthday is 3rd May. We'd given Eric's birthday some thought and arranged a trip to Manchester Legoland with another family. Also, on the last day of school, we invited both Percy and Eric's classes for a little party in the park after school, which was a fun but manic time. I'd planned some sports day type races and team games, but I just remember running around throwing packets of sweets on the floor while kids chased me. I was like the Pied Piper on crack.

Dan knew his birthday was going to get forgotten, but after his last two birthdays being affected by Covid I did want to do something. It was hard to think about it back in England, in the phase where Dan was chasing the French estate agents everyday, we were having our kitchen wall knocked down, and my main aim in life was trying to sneak bin bags into other peoples bins. There seemed no point buying him a gift in England, but having to get it once we were there was tricky. I didn't (and still don't) have a french bank card. There's one we both use, but he gets a text whenever it's used saying how much was spent and where and also we don't live near any big shops, and I've only just started learning to drive our new big car so the options of getting him a nice surprise gift were limited.

In fact gift-wise I did not do great. On his birthday I suggested Dan bought himself a raclette machine while he did a full weeks shop and bought a washing machine, and he did. Ah the romance.

I really did want to do something nice though. His family come from north west France, so it is very far from where we are, but that's my fault. It's all because I said, "I'm not learning a new language for the weather of Cornwall." But his cousin and one of his aunties are in the south. I messaged them and his auntie was free, plus it turns out his grandma (he calls Mamie) was visiting the south for the weekend. So they very kindly offered to make the trip (over 3 hours from Marseille) to come and surprise Dan, even though at the time of arranging it we had no dining table or chairs or sofa or working oven, so I was a bit nervous about this plan working. I invited them for an evening meal on the Friday and they planned to stay over in a nearby airbnb to be around for Dan's birthday on the Saturday. 

Dan was working on the Friday and had arranged to go and pick up our new car on the Friday morning. Dan's a massive car enthusiast, so I imagine getting to spend a big chunk of money on a mum bus from 2011 was an absolute dream for him. It's a Renault. But how the french pronounce Renault is very different. It's sort of like how you pronounce the word gnu but with a "ren" in front. Anyway in the morning he went to get that and a bunk bed, and after work in the evening he went out to get this table and chairs we were given. I had been saying how much the chair and table were important for days, trying to make sure he could get it by Friday, when really I think a sofa is possibly more important but obviously for eating lasagne, a table really does come in handy. 

So Dan was out and I started cooking this big lasagne. I was bit nervous that we could run out of gas, because our gas supply is just a massive gas bottle and you have to just buy a new one when it runs out, they sell them everywhere. I have no idea if ours was full when we moved in, so it could run out at any point. The gas was fine, but I did manage to set the smoke alarm off and the kids were yelling at me. While all this was going on I was trying to go over the French for, "would you like a drink" and, "thanks for coming." Dan's family arrived at 5 while Dan was out, which was the plan. Dan's Auntie speaks very good English, which is great, I don't think I could have arranged it without that. My spoken French is bad, but writing messages is even harder, because I'm not sure how to spell hardly any French words.

We've visited auntie Beatrice once before in 2013, when we cycled to Kuwait. She was living in Paris at the time and we stayed in her very trendy flat for a few nights. France was one of the best bits of the trip. I loved cycling because you get to see all of the city, from the fields on the outskirts where you can just see a tiny tiny Eiffel Tower on the horizon, to all the rough looking inner city suburbs, to the really fancy old buildings right in the middle.

Dan and Beatrice 2013

Then in 2019 Eric was almost two and we thought this would be a good time to try a new adventure. Because he was free on a flight, we looked at a map. I quite fancied going to Barcelona, somewhere we'd both never been, and we'd also not done much of southern France, so we rented a camper van and drove from Nice to Barcelona. That was the time we spent a day and a half in Perpignan, and have since decided to call it home for the foreseeable future. But before we got to Perpignan, we stoped off in Marseille, where Beatrice lived then (and continues to live). Her and her partner Olivier were beyond generous and bought me a lobster to eat, even though they were on a weird diet of drinking the water leftover from cooking vegetables. Not even eating vegetables!

2019 in Marseille

So it was really nice that Beatrice and Oliver were up for coming over, because it really is a long way. But equally exciting was that Dan's grandma Rosalie (from the north) was staying with Beatrice, and so she could come too! I've met her a few times and she's absolutely lovely. Her English is a bit better than my French, but I hope in a year I will have surpassed her. Rosalie is one of 10 children and one of those great aunties to Dan came with her on the journey to ours.

So four French people arrived at our house, one of whom I didn't know the name of. Dan was delayed getting the table so I was actually with them for an hour without Dan (and with no chairs or sofa to sit on). They were all staying in the nearby town of Millas, about 2 miles away, so when we got the message from Dan that he wouldn't be there until 6 Beatrice and Olivier went to check in at the airbnb. We were all a bit concerned that they wouldn't get back before Dan, but it made sense to go. This left me with the boys Mamie (the grandma) and the random French aunt that I didn't know the name of, and who spoke no English whatsoever. We managed to have a few conversations, mainly by me just showing them things. I did a house tour and then showed them our photos that we had framed ready to go on the wall and I got the boys to show some of their toys. 

Mamie asked how long we were renting this house for.  I can easily say in French, "for one year" but I can't say, "it's actually on a rolling contract, so we just need to give three months notice if we want to leave." I really tried but that just confused her, so in the end I just said one year and got Dan to explain later. 

Beatrice made it back just in time, but Olivier, who was parking the car somewhere a bit further away so as not to be seen, didn't quite make it. We talked about how to do the surprise, but it ended up with the three French ladies hiding in the down stairs loo. I later thought a cool idea would be to put the visitors in the back garden and put the shutters of the French doors down, and then reveal them legs first. Like they were on the horrendous show Naked Attraction, but not naked obvs.

There was quite a lot of Dan going in and out, before the surprise. He picked up this table so we were carrying that in and then all the chairs. But it was a really lovely surprise when they finally came out. Especially that Mamie was there, I don't think we'd seen her since Dan's youngest sister's wedding three years ago. 

It all worked out and we squeezed round the table to eat my lasagne. I asked Dan the name of the random auntie and he didn't know! (We later found out it was Victore.) They bought us some gifts, including a card game called Papayoo which is fun, but at the time we played it I was so tired and didn't really understand the rules. The were a lot of laughs, including some quite rude humour from the oldest French people. It turns out bum holes are funny to old French people too. - Thats a top tip if you're thinking of holidaying here and want to strike up a conversation.

The next day (Dan's actual birthday) was a bit less successful. It started with a little dip in the pool of their airbnb, which looked amazing but it was actually probably the coldest day we've had since we've been here. Then we wanted to go somewhere nice, but not far because they had traveled so far to see us and had to get home. We tried to have a picnic at a very local lake, but actually just spent ages driving our new massive car down tiny farmyard tracks, following a sat nav and then giving up and going back to ours for lunch. Ah well, it was so nice to see them and I'm very grateful for them for making Dan's birthday fun.

On Sunday we went to our local mountain. I can see snow on it, so we took sledges and coats. We got nowhere near the snow, it was boiling hot the whole time but still beautiful.

I can see you but I can't get to you, snow!

The rest of the week was reminiscent of lockdown. Dan was working, I can't go anywhere far with the kids because I can't drive. I've had two little lessons with Dan and it is pretty hard, mainly the fact I'm driving a big car on small roads with ditches, more than the driving on the right thing. So we were mainly in the house, doing a bit of homeschooling, because Eric's only learnt two thirds of the phonics sounds he needs to know to be able to read. Also, just to confuse them, we started learning the French alphabet because even though the letters look the same they don't make the same sounds. Like J and G are pretty much the other way round in french and "T" and "H" don't make the "th" sound that they do in English, they make a different sound that sounds like it's got a "w" in. It was a tiring and a bit boring time. I feel the need to say that because my photos look like I'm having fun 100% of the time. It's quite hard to capture boredom in a photo.

Tuesday was fun though. It was Eric's 5th birthday and I tried to give him as much fun as I possibly good within the restraints of: we don't know anyone and I can't get anywhere and Daddy's working. We did have a lot of cardboard though and I've got a degree in making stuff, so making a cardboard castle was a good way to spend the day until Dan clocked off work. 

This beanstalk has, over several days, grown right round the corner and to the top of the castle

In the evening went on a road trip to the toy shop, followed by McDonalds, followed by the beach!

Toy shop purchase.

Well done for getting this far, sorry it's so long. This is a good bit though:

Today was a beach day too. We went to a different beach with some people from the english speaking church, and then stopped in at this very picturesque town called Collioure. 

Matisse has painted Collioure it and now it's my turn. 

We got an ice cream, and here's a tip about ice cream pricing:

1 boule = 3.50 euros

2 boule = 4.50 euros

3 boule = 5.50 euros

4 boule = 6.50 euros 

So, if a family of 4 get 1 scoop each in a separate bowl the total is 14 Euros. If they get two bowls with 4 scoops in (2 flavours each and you have to share a bowl with 1 other person) it's 13 euros!! That's my top money saving tip ever. That and never buy insurance for anything you don't legally have to, because either it might not happen or we're all going to die anyway.

Anyway, we didn't get two ice cream scoops each (sorry to disappoint) we shared. I shared two scoops with Percy and Dan shared two with Eric. The reason I bring this up is because Eric loves to pick blue flavour, or unicorn flavour or something mad. This particular blue one was called Smurf flavour and Dan picked nut flavour, and I took great delight in telling him his combined flavour was Smurf nuts. Ha Ha Ha I am hilarious.

School starts tomorrow. My real retirement begins then. I bought a lounger for the garden and I'm going to lounge so damn hard. 

The First Week.

In case you didn't read my previous blog, I arrived in France on Friday, saw our new house for the first time on Saturday and just like God and Craig David we chilled on Sunday.

Monday (25th April)

Today was the last day that Dan was not in work. We had 10 days between being in a functioning house with food and internet and beds in England, to being in a functioning house with food and internet and beds in France, and actually four of those days were days we were doing other things (Eric's fake birthday, Sarah's wedding, Easter day, and the Sunday we chilled.) But for the other 6 days we worked really hard!

Monday was the day we went to the Mairie and all of the shops. 

The Mairie is like the town hall/one stop shop, even though our village is tiny and its walking distance to the town hall of the next village. In England if you want to sort out stuff like council tax or school admission or getting child benefit you have to go to all different places. It would normally involve you being on the phone on hold for ages, or if you did go to a physical place it would be the One Stop Shop. I don't know of you've ever had the misfortune of having to go to a One Stop Shop, but it's basically full of desperate people with no money queuing for ages to talk to someone about Britain's incredibly complicated benefit system. All while being made to feel like the absolute scum of the earth. The Mairie is like that except nice. There's no stigma about going, everyone is polite and helpful. It's for everyone, not just the poor and desperate. So we went to sort out the kids school admission and also asked about French classes for me, bin days and council tax (which luckily, unlike in Britain, our landlord is responsible for paying.) The Mayor of Saint Feliu d'Amont personally welcomed me to the village in English! You wouldn't get that as a new immigrant in the Picton road One Stop Shop.

We had a lot of our stuff shipped. There was a fridge, 3 chest of draws, our mattresses, two desks etc, but we didn't take our table and chairs because it was too big and we didn't take our sofa because it was ugly and we want a sofa bed. We didn't take our washing machine because its rubbish and noisy and we didn't bring the boys beds because Eric was still in his toddler bed and we wanted to get them a bunk bed. So we still had a lot of basic stuff to get. Perpignan has an Ikea, so after going through their website we headed there with a list of what we needed. When we arrived we saw the tiniest Ikea I've ever seen! It turns out it's just a shop you order stuff from, which since the internet exists makes this Ikea pretty pointless. Opposite was a very French sofa shop. I went into for a browse and it was clear straight away we were not the clientele for this kind of shop: 3000 euros for a sofa, no thanks. I walked in and the man asked if he could help me. I didn't know the french for "I'm just browsing" but I had just learnt in my online classes the phase "canape lit" which is a sofa bed. So I said in my best French, "je voudrais une canope lit" and then he showed me some. I had to go and get Dan, who was outside with the boys eating sandwiches on a bench. And then we had to all pretend we were considering buying these totally overpriced sofa beds and then leave, with the kids asking, "why aren't we buying it?"

So we went next door to the tiny Ikea to order some stuff. It was like a game of charades, where me and Dan acted out what furniture items we wanted to this poor guy, who had to translate it into French and then into Ikea language. Dan's french is very good but he's never lived in France and only knows the kind of French that you would chat about with your family. He didn't even know the word for 'that little shelf that sticks in your shower that you put your razor on', because even in English no one has a word for that. I mimed shaving my armpits and then putting my razor on a shelf. I don't know if it helped but I was enjoying myself. We finally came up with a big list of things we wanted. Dan went to pay and they said they only accepted certain kinds of bank cards, and not the kind he had. It was super annoying and even more annoying for the guy, who had played a 30 minute game of charades with us and received no commission.

We went to several other shops that day. Two were a bit like B&Q and then we went to Decathlon to get Percy a new bike. We hadn't brought Eric's bike with us because it was so heavy and rattly. We planned to get Percy a new one and upgrade Eric to Percy's old one. Percy was very chuffed to get a bike in his favourite colour yellow (it's his favourite because its the colour of beaches and giraffes). It's also the first time he's had gears, which he was very happy about. 

We got back to the house exhausted in the evening and made a quick dinner, and then annoyingly went out after tea to two different supermarkets, because this was the last day that Dan was off and we had the hire car. Nobody wanted to go, but it needed doing. Especially because I was planning a secret surprise birthday for Dan this Friday and this was my last proper chance to get food in for that.

Dan's Mum left all her friends and family when she was 18 and came to Britain and since then has become incredibly British, like she doesn't even have a French accent. But all the rest of her family (which is very large) have remained in France (apart from her brother who is in Hong Kong). Many of them are in the north of France, but one of Dan's aunties (who we've stayed with a few times) and Dan's cousin (who is our age and has a family) are in the south. While we were still in England I messaged the cousin and Auntie to see if they would be up for coming over to surprise Dan. It's quite a challenge to organise a surprise party in another language a week after arriving in a new place. But they were very helpful and responded to my english messages, and were willing to travel over 3 hours to make the surprise work. All I really did was cook a meal for everyone, which was still a challenge because for a few days we couldn't work the oven, I can't drive here yet, and we didn't have a table and chairs until the day of the party. And I don't have my own bank card so I couldn't spend money without Dan getting a message saying how much I spent and where I spent it, which does make surprises difficult. So anyway, I went to the supermarket and managed to get enough food to make a big lasagne for eight people. 

Tuesday

Today Dan was back at work and we went to see our local area. 

We'd been so busy trying to make the most of the hire car that we hadn't ever walked round our village, apart from the trip to the Mairie. We headed out in the opposite direction and I was blown away by how close we are to fields and tractors and mountains. Growing up in a village as a teenager I'd perviously been very vocally opposed to fields, calling them "shit parks," because they are really. Imagine going to a park where you're only allowed to walk round the edge and theres no play stuff or toilets or benches, it would hardly score highly on Trip Advisor. But for some reason grown ups were always like, "oh you're so lucky to live in the countryside." It's easy to say that if you're an adult with a car ,who can get to a shop or anywhere you like. It's much harder to appreciate fields if you have to walk 20 mins get the train and then get a bus just to go to a park with your mates.

Anyway, I think at age 36 I've probably reached the age where I can forgive fields for ruining my youth, and appreciate them. Especially if they have mountains behind them.

In the evening Dan went out to give the hire car back. On the way he stopped in to view a second hand mum bus that we have now bought! I'm scared to drive it. We wanted a bigger car so that when people come to visit we can drive them places, but it seems massive. And I've never driven on wrong way round roads before. Also we still don't know what the yellow diamond road sign means.

Wednesday

I was determined to get out and see this city we moved to without ever really seeing. (We came here for a day and a half in 2019 and saw a beach and a castle.) Our little village that has no shops or anything is next to a slightly bigger village with 3 shops and a train station. So I decided we three would cycle to the station (a mile away) and get the train into town and explore. Cycling was a challenge. Percy is very good on a bike but Eric is still learning. In the UK me and Percy would cycle to school and Eric was in a bike trailer. Eric is not a good enough cyclist for me to also cycle, I have to jog behind him to catch him. He's good at going forward, but isn't good at stopping or keeping the right position in the road. Anyway we set off and he was doing really well then I needed a break because I was jogging with a heavy backpack so I asked them to stop. This is where Eric panicked and fell off. He was fine, but he was so close to falling in this sort of concrete stream/ditch running between the field and road. We managed to make our way to the train station and lock up the bikes. There was one other guy waiting for the train with a mask on and I remembered Dan had said "it's very important to wear a mask." Oops. I got on the train anyway and it wasn't an issue. I also didn't have a ticket because theres no ticket office in Saint Feliu d'Avall, so you just buy one on the train if someone asks which, they didn't. 

It's only about 12 minutes and two stops to Perpignan, just like the village I grew up in, a mile from a station and 12 minutes and 2 stops on the train to Coventry. The only difference is that Perpignan is infinitely more beautiful than Coventry. Coventry has a good cathedral and a ring road that everyone hates. Perpignan has mountains, beaches, a river, a canal, a castle, outdoor markets and sunshine. But before exploring all of that, Eric needed a wee. We went to the station toilet which needed a 50 cent piece. I put it in the slot and the door didn't open. So Eric had to wee in a random alley. At least boys can do that kind of thing fairly easily. We continued down a big wide street lined with very tall palm trees, ate our packed lunch and carried on exploring. 

We went inside a really nice bookshop that had loads of beautiful children's books. I considered getting one for Dan to read to them to help them with their French, but then the shop assistant came over and told me this was a specialist Catalan bookshop and none of these books were actually in French. My French is so bad I didn't notice.

There were a signs for tourist information point, but I now know that the sign is about 10 minutes walk from tourist information. After trying to follow the signs I finally gave in and asked a random passerby. She was really lovely and walked us all the way there. On the way we passed loads of interesting looking shops and we crossed over the canal where there was a outdoor market selling old French postcards and Asterix books. At tourist information we picked up some leaflets and, crucially, a map so we could now find all the best places. The lady at tourist information told me about a beautiful park, that was very good for children and was free, so we decided to make our way there. On the way we stopped off at a really cool shop called Flying Tiger. It was like the toy section in Ikea mixed with things like candles, fairy lights, sunglasses, and bags, all good value fun stuff. The boys had a bit of money to spend so Eric bought a wooden jigsaw you colour in yourself and Percy bought some hamma beads, despite the fact I didn't bring an iron here. The also chose Dan a mug with a dinosaur on it. When you put a hot drink in the dinosaur turns into just a dinosaur skeleton.

We then traced our steps back past some of the interesting things we passed while following the woman, bought some post cards and then continued on to find this park. 

When I got to the place circled on the map it turned out not to be the park at all. The lady had circled a few places and this was sort of a library with a little gallery. But we'd walked a long way and I was just glad for a sit down. After a while a member of staff came and told us there were games for children on the top floor, so we headed up to see a big shelving unit of board games you can play in the children's library. After playing for a while it was time to make the long walk back to the station. The trains are only about every two hours, so we didn't want to miss this one. We broke up the long walk with an ice cream stop.

This time I had no excuse not to get a ticket, apart from the fact the ticket machine didn't work and there was no one in the ticket office. (I later learned the ticket machine isn't touch screen, it's got a knob that you have to twist, so it was working fine but twisty knob is nobodies first thought, right?) Anyway, I just got on the train feeling bad that I didn't have a mask or a ticket (in my head I practised the french for "there was no one in the ticket office). In the end four guys who were like the train police got on and asked me for my ticket. In the moment I couldn't get out any of the French apart from "Je suis desole" and just spoke in english. I said can I buy one now and guy was just like ptfff, which I took to mean it's no problem. Then when we were on our way a woman came past quickly and asked everyone to wear a mask. Then the person opposite me asked me where my mask was and said, "I don't care but that woman will be mad at you." She was right, the woman came back and was mad at me. There wasn't much I could do. I wish I'd bought a mask in town, but on the way no one really seemed that bothered. It was much more of an issue than the fact I didn't have a ticket. Luckily it was only a short journey, and then I had a nice relaxing mile jog with a backpack on in 27 degree heat chasing after a kid who can't quite ride a bike: the most relaxing way to travel. But I'm proud that we made it.

Thursday 

We had a chilled out day. We explored more or the local area, going in the opposite direction towards the school. 

That yellow building is where they go for their lunch (unless they come home which they will do at first.)

You might be thinking what a lovely place to bring up kids I bet theres no crime but you'd be wrong...

Some kids have lost their chickens! We actually saw a big group of kids protesting about this at the Mairie on Monday. I hope we find them and we can be the heroes of the village.

We found a big basket ball court too, I think basket ball is a big thing here, more than football, which I'm happy about. I think basketball is much cooler. I've been to see basket ball a few times in Ramallah (when I lived near Bethlehem) and it was a lot of fun. The boys then drew all over our yard, got chalk all over themselves and then all over the house.

Next blog: Dan's surprise party, trying to sledge, and Eric's birthday.